Has this ever happened to you? You’re dating an amazing guy, and while things are going well, you’re a bit confused. There are definitely signs he loves you but is scared.
You meet a guy and the sparks are clearly there. When you’re together, it’s like you can conquer the world as a pair.
He pulls away.
He seems to retreat into his tough turtle shell, leaving you standing there with your heart on your sleeve.
You’ve been so careful about not coming on too strong. You’re sure that you read into the signs that he might be falling in love with you, and yet, all of a sudden, he seems to have done a 180.
What did you do wrong? How can you fix it?
Trust me, gal, it’s not you.
In today’s video, I’m going to explain exactly why he’s pulled away from you, what’s going on inside men’s minds when this happens, and, more importantly, what you can do about it when he shows those signs he loves you but is scared.
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Before you throw your hands up and decide that this guy has bitten the dust like the rest, allow me to give you some advice.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: You don’t want to miss out on a good thing.
Just because a guy is hesitant about moving forward in your relationship, it doesn’t always mean that you should assume he’s not boyfriend potential.
It may be that he’s in love with you but is wrestling with the commitment side of things.
He may have decided long ago that commitment wasn’t for him, and then you show up and rock his world, confusing him and making him withdraw. He wants you…but he doesn’t want commitment.
And as we all know, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
PS: Now that you know the signs he loves you but is scared of commitment, let me show you the 3 ways to make “The One” pursue you, and only you.
If you’re unsure what’s going on in his heart, you simply need to pay better attention to understand why he’s doing what he’s doing. Pulling away emotionally is not always an indicator of the end of a relationship (though, you need to know when it is. When a guy ghosts, sometimes you need to let him go.), and may require a bit of patience on your part to help him work through it.
Women often think that love is binary.
If he loves me, then he wants to be with me forever and all the time!
I try to stay away from such black and white ideals. Love is all about the gray area, let me tell you.
He may have completely fallen in love with you, but if he’s got other stuff going on in his head or past experiences that bar him from being ready to be vulnerable to you, you’re gonna be swimming in that gray area for a while. So, in other words: he may show those signs he loves you but he’s scared of letting go and giving into love.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; you just have to be aware of what’s going on with him and figure out the best course of action to get what you want: commitment from him.
But how can you know if he’s in love with you but is afraid to commit? Read on, my Sweet, Sassy Lady. Let’s navigate this tricky subject together.
1. It’s Either Fireworks…or Crickets
When you’re together, it’s BAM! BOOM! The sparks flying between you two could burn the building down.
Conversation is on point. You laugh together. You feel connected.
But when you’re apart, you get just…crickets.
He doesn’t call or text for a couple of days. He’s noncommittal about making plans. You’re ready to throw in the towel.
Here’s why your guy does this hot/cold thing, why he shows signs he is scared of commitment. It’s pretty common for guys who aren’t ready to jump into a relationship to be different in person than they are when they’re away from you.
Your guy may have been single for a long time, and quite content to be so. Maybe he planned to be an eligible bachelor (not unlike this rhino on Tinder) for the rest of his life.
But then you entered his life, and his plans were shattered.
Logically, he continues to believe that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship (whether he acknowledges that he’s scared of commitment or not), though his heart is not in agreement with his brain. He’s definitely giving off signs he is confused about his feelings for you.
And so, he’s left with a dilemma. The more he spends time with you, the more his heart will take over. And the more his brain will fight it.
Heart: She’s so incredible. Funny, sweet, sexy. The whole package.
Brain: Resist! We do not need this! Alert! Alert!
A man is taught, unfortunately, that being vulnerable is a bad thing. That it makes them less of a man, somehow.
In fact, the opposite is true. Being emotionally vulnerable can help him become more intimate with you, and lay the foundation for a healthy relationship.
Still, that conditioning may cause him to pull away when he starts feeling vulnerable around you. It is, of course, harder to resist your charms in person, but when he’s away from you, it’s easier for him to have some distance from this bewitching woman that’s got his heart on fire.
You may ask yourself is he confused or not interested in me? Know that this isn’t the case.
What can you do? Gently point out the discrepancy in his behavior from when you’re together and when you’re not. Let him know that you miss that connection you feel when you’re together when you’re separate. Don’t pressure him to commit just yet, but do let him know that you value what you’re building together.
2. He’s Not Putting a Ton of Energy into the Relationship
A guy who’s ready for long-term commitment, and who wants to be with you for the long haul, is going to want to spend a lot of his time with you. He’s going to put his energy into the relationship in an effort to grow it in a positive manner.
But maybe your guy — despite the signs that he loves you — seems to be putting his energy everywhere but into your relationship. He may have even told you that he’s in love with you, and yet his behavior says otherwise.
Maybe he can’t go out with you…because he’s playing video games with the boys.
Perhaps he canceled plans tonight…because he needs to clean his house.
You may have asked him to read a book on commitment and relationships…but he got caught up in a Game of Thrones binge instead.
While his house sparkles and his video game skillz get better, you’re left feeling like your relationship is in a hamster wheel.
If he’s afraid of commitment, why the hell did he bother telling you he loved you?
I typically see this situation when the guy is a bit younger than the gal, or when he’s not to the level of emotional maturity in his life that she is in hers.
While we may not (yet) be able to scientifically prove that men are often less emotionally mature than women of the same age, science does back up the fact that there are differences in men’s and women’s brains, resulting in different strengths and focuses.
Even if your man is the same age as you, he may not be as ready to develop a relationship as you are.
Maybe he wants to get a promotion or become more financially stable first.
Maybe he wants to sow his wild oats. Or realize his dream of becoming a professional video gamer.
Whatever his goal, you are thwarting his dreams, even if deep down, he knows they will never come true.
He must reach that maturity point before he will think to himself, Now’s the time to settle down with one special lady.
That’s when guys flip the switch on their attitudes about commitment and become willing to invest their emotions and time into settling down.
I know, I know. You can’t plan life out like that, otherwise we’d all become millionaires and live out every fantasy we have before settling down. But the male ego is fragile, and when you upset its balance, he will naturally pull away until he rectifies that his life is taking a direction other than the one he planned.
Pay attention to these signs that he is denying his feelings for you, but be patient. He’ll come around. He just needs to realize that being with you is better than any far-fetched dream he had of becoming a professional skydiver.
3. He Says He’s In Love With You, But Shies Away from Making Future Plans
You don’t get it.
He is willing to meet your parents.
He’s gone out with you and your friends.
He even invited you to keep a drawer in his apartment for your things.
But at the same time, he shuts down when you talk about the future.
He might freak out when you bring up the “M” word (marriage). He might turtle when you bring up going on vacation in a month.
His fight or flight response tells you that he needs to work through a few things. While there may certainly be signs that he loves you, he’s clearly not ready to take the plunge. Men who are commitment-focused will be more comfortable talking about the future and making future plans. If he throws up in his mouth a little whenever you talk about anything past today, you’ll need a strategy to deal with it.
First of all, realize that being averse to talking about the long-term doesn’t mean a guy doesn’t love you. It is, in fact, one of the signs that he loves you but is scared of what the future brings.
Scientists have found that commitment phobia is a real thing. It may be caused by his past experiences in relationships, or even his parents’ relationship, especially if they divorced when he was young.
The worst thing you can do is try to force him into committing. While he pulls away, it may be your instinct to pull him closer, but take it from me: the best thing you can do right now is give him some space to process the idea of settling down with you.
He’s not going anywhere.
And why do you need to rush it? You have his love. If you’re patient and give him time to work through his issues, he will commit when he’s ready.
And even if you’re not talking wedding bells and he still freaks out about making plans, take a cue from him. Does he only seem to be willing to make vacation plans a month out rather than six months? Give up your need to control and be a little more loosey goosey, and you’ll end up in Maui with him after all.
Don’t be afraid to bring up the conversation occasionally about why he’s averse to talking future, since talking about his fears and phobias can only help him work through them. The more you discuss it, the better you will be able to understand why he feels the way he does. But realize that giving him an ultimatum (marry me in 6 months or I walk) will never get you the results you want.
Like I said: things are very rarely black and white when it comes to love.
When you have two people, two distinct personalities, it can be near impossible to line up your maturity rate, your wants, and your needs. You might have sown your wild oats when you were a teenager, whereas he was a late bloomer and is now enjoying dating without commitment in his 30s.
You can’t fault him for being in a different place in his life mentally and emotionally than you are.
What you can do is decide if he’s worth waiting for, and if you really believe he will eventually overcome his fear of commitment because he’s so in love with you.
On the other hand..
If it’s been a while and he’s not budging on the whole commitment issue, ask yourself whether it’s worth it to continue in a relationship with a man who can’t commit. While you absolutely should compromise to some degree in a relationship, you can’t ignore your own desire to settle down with a man who values you enough to commit to you long-term. If it becomes a point of contention in your relationship — him continuing to insist he’ll never want to get married, and you begging him to change his mind — then realize that this isn’t the relationship for you.
If he’s not willing to give you love and commitment, it’s time to look yourself in the mirror, examine your relationship, and be willing to walk away in order to find what makes you happy. At the end of the day, the best thing you can do is be real with yourself and him.
The right man will commit, even if it takes him a while to come around.
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