“Adam, I’m so frustrated. I simply can’t find love. I’ve tried! I give up.”
I hear this from Sexy Confidence members all the time.
I know it’s maddening, especially if you spent years in a relationship with the wrong guy. You want to finally know what it is to be in love…so why haven’t you found it?
The Secret to Finding Love
Before you decide that there’s no one out there for you, I want to say that I absolutely know there is. You just haven’t met him.
If you spent years in a relationship with a man who ended up not being The One, it’s understandable that you don’t want to waste any more time being single or dating the wrong guys.
You’re impatient. I get it. But it hasn’t been the right time for you to find the man you’re supposed to spend your life with. But he’ll come along, and probably sooner than you expect.
Can’t Find Love? Here’s the Reason Why
If you’ve been blaming yourself, deciding that you are the reason you can’t find love, I want you to cut yourself some slack. It’s nothing you’re deliberately doing that is keeping you from finding Mr. Right…but there may be some things that need to happen in your life before the stars align and you find him. Everything happens when it’s supposed to.
Still, it can be helpful to identify a few reasons why things may be stalled out in your love life. See which of the following reasons you can’t find love resonate with you.
1. You’re Not Done Healing from Past Pain
You may think you’re over past heartbreak, but the fact of the matter is: it takes a lot longer than you’d think to get over a relationship that lasted for years.
Some people say you need one year to heal for every 5-7 years of marriage or relationship. Others say you need a month for every year you were together. I know a lot of women who agree with this timeline. Of course, it depends on whether you were glad for the relationship to end…whether he cheated or lied…and what the breakup looked like.
But if you’re still in your first year of healing and are frustrated because you haven’t fallen in love again…it’s probably because you still have some grief and pain to process, whether you think you do or not. Be easy on yourself and allow the space to process feelings from past relationships before you start another.
2. You Don’t Really Want to Be in a Relationship
You think you want to be in a relationship…as long as it doesn’t interfere with your active social life and Netflix bingeing. You’d like to have a hot man to take you out…but aren’t really willing to give what it takes to be a good partner.
In theory, you want a boyfriend or even a husband. But if you dig deep down, you have to admit that your life is pretty fabulous as it is, no man required.
Own this, you Sexy, Confident lady! Many women have trouble adjusting to being single and you are completely rocking it! Just don’t feel like you need a man to complete you. This isn’t Jerry Maguire!
3. There Are Other Areas of Your Life You Need to Focus On
You might feel ready for love, but consider whether starting and nurturing a new relationship is really a top priority for you right now.
If you have kids, you might need to focus on them. If you’re working toward a promotion, you may be putting all your energy into your professional development. You might have a friend going through a hard time who you want to be there for.
It’s important to assess what areas of your life need attention at any given moment. If you’re honest with yourself, you might realize that you really don’t have a lot of time or energy to dedicate to a new relationship right now, and that’s okay.
4. You Still Have Some Inner Work to Do
Besides maybe needing to take a little more time to heal after being hurt in past relationships, are there other things you need to work on personally that keep you from finding love right now?
Maybe past partners have told you that you’re selfish…and you want to be better in your next relationship.
Maybe you are quick to anger…and want to learn to control your temper so your next relationship isn’t filled with arguments.
Maybe you’re adrift in knowing who you are after being in a long relationship…and need to understand what you need at this point in your life.
Don’t get me wrong: we ALL have inner work to do, and it will never be complete. But one reason you can’t find love right now may be because there are really important things that you need to work on so that you will be the best partner possible when you do find it.
5. You’re Looking for a Partner to Make You Happy
You’re pretty miserable in your life right now.
“If only I had a loving man in my life,” you sigh, “then I would finally be happy.”
The problem with this attitude is that if you always put your happiness on external factors (like having a boyfriend), you will never truly be happy. Here’s a little secret life lesson I’ve learned: only you can make yourself happy.
Men may come and go, but you are the constant in your life. If you’re always looking for the next guy…or that lottery ticket…or a better job to make you happy, you will always come up short. But if you learn to be happy regardless of what’s going on in your life, you will attract a man who may make you happy…but you don’t need him to.
6. You’re Being too Picky
“I’m not picky, Adam! I’m selective!”
Call it what you will: if you’re overlooking perfectly qualified men for the role of boyfriend, you’re shooting yourself in the foot.
I get it: in the era of swiping completely based on looks, it’s all too easy to be superficial and swipe left without really reading a man’s dating profile. And hey, with such a selection of hotties, shouldn’t you only pick the cream of the crop?
Girl, you’re not 20 anymore. You know better than to base compatibility completely on appearances. That toned blond guy on Bumble might be a complete d-bag…while the balding accountant would treat you like a rock star.
Or maybe you meet a man and have little in common with him, so you write him off. In my experience, you don’t need to have the same music interests and hobbies to click with a man. It’s more important that your social values are the same. He might love heavy metal (which you detest) but if you’re both liberal, pug-lovers, and extroverts, you’re already off to a good start.
I’m going to ask you to do something for me: the next time you have the opportunity to go out with a man that you don’t think is a good fit…go anyway. At the very least, you get dinner or drinks and kill a few hours. But you just might be surprised at how things work out!
7. You’re Not Putting Yourself Out There
“I’ve looked EVERYWHERE for a man! There are none to be found!”
Hey. I’m onto you. If by everywhere, you mean you’ve looked on your porch when the pimply-faced pizza delivery driver shows up or around the office (which is primarily female), then you’re really not putting in the effort to meet as many men as possible.
It takes work; I’ll give you that. You’ll have to shower, put makeup on, and hit pause on your Netflix binge. You’ll have to go to singles events…sometimes by yourself. That will make you uncomfortable.
Rather than staring at your phone screen when waiting in lines, look around. Make eye contact. Smile at people.
Ask your friends if they know any single men. It’s not desperate to do so. They may not even be aware that you’re looking…or may not have gone through their mental Rolodexes to find a great guy for you without being asked.
Try dating apps. It’s good practice for talking to men…and then going on dates with them.
Whatever you try, just try something. Otherwise, you can’t complain about the fact that you can’t find love.
8. You’re Afraid of Getting Hurt Again
You’ve been unbelievably hurt by a man (or maybe even more than one). I understand that your instinct is to pull into your shell so that it doesn’t happen again. But at the same time…you want to fall in love and have it be right.
You can’t have both. Yes, love sometimes comes with heartbreak, but with the right man, you won’t be hurt the way you have been.
It will take time to open up your heart again to be vulnerable to someone new. Take your time, but realize that doing so provides much more reward than risk.
9. You Don’t Know What You Want
You want a boyfriend who’s from another country that can woo you in another language…
…or a firefighter. Those are sexy…
…or maybe a nice, stable divorced man with kids.
The truth is, you don’t know what you want…and maybe you didn’t realize that you needed to know. After all, when you last dated, you didn’t think about what you wanted in a man or a relationship. But look where that got you.
It’s a fact: spending time reflecting on what you want in a partner can help you actually find a guy with those qualities. Make a list of what you want in a man...and realize that nothing is silly! You can have details about what he looks like and his profession, but don’t overlook his values (honest, hard-working, intellectual) and interests.
The more you date, the more you’ll know which qualities are important to you, and your list may need to be modified. You might think you really really want to date a tall racecar driver, but then after dating one, you realize that a man who is caring and sensitive is much more important than having a certain profession.
10. You’re Focusing on What You DON’T Want
Or maybe you think you already know what you want in a guy…only it’s a list of what he shouldn’t be.
He shouldn’t be a cheater…
…he shouldn’t live with his mother…
…he shouldn’t have kids…
By focusing on what you don’t want, you’re not actually zeroing in on what you do want.
And whether you believe in the Law of Attraction or not, experts have found that it’s just as possible to manifest negative results as positive ones…depending on how you frame your request. So if you say…
“I want a man who doesn’t cheat on women.”
What the Universe hears is:
“I want a man…cheat on women.”
It conveniently misses the “doesn’t” part! So if you’ve been focusing on all the aspects that you don’t want in a guy or a relationship, is it any wonder you can’t find love?
Instead, frame your desires positively:
“I want a man who is faithful to only me.”
You’re saying the same thing…without the negativity.
11. You’re Dating the Same Types of Guys
Look back at the last few men you dated. Did they share common characteristics, hobbies, or even looks? If so, you might be in a dating rut. For whatever reason, you’re attracted to the same aloof surfers who always end up being emotionally unavailable. Why would you expect this time to be any different?
It’s time to break the pattern. Yes, you might always go for artsy, unbalanced dudes, but open up your horizons. If a statistics geek who’s a closet karaoke lover appears on your radar, give him a chance. He just might show you that a different type can do you good.
12. You Don’t Know How to Make Men Pursue You
Maybe flirting feels awkward. You don’t like male attention. And so you’re a shy wallflower at any event you attend.
I know that not every woman starts out Sexy Confident, but, if you’re willing to put in a little effort, you can easily learn how to get men to pursue you. (Check out the end of this article for help.)
If you feel like you can’t find love and are being hard on yourself, pull back. It’s not your fault. It just may not be the right time. It’s important that you do what’s right for you in your life in this moment, and that might be doing something other than starting a new relationship.
Love doesn’t work on a timeline. You may kiss a lot of frogs before you finally find your Prince. So enjoy the process and get some kissing practice in!
Let’s hear from you ladies. Did any of these reasons you can’t find love resonate? What are you going to do to get to a place in your life where you’re ready to embrace a new love?
And if you need a little help learning how to get men to pursue you, check out my free training, where I’ll teach you 3 simple ways to make him pursue you, making you feel sexy and confident.