If you look back at the last few relationships you’ve been in, you can see a pattern: you seem to always be attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Despite your best efforts to get them to open up, you always end up hurt and frustrated that they never reciprocate the affection or love you feel for them.
So what can you do when every relationship you’re in seems to dead end emotionally?
First off, know you aren’t alone. So many women like you have thrown their hands up when they were unable to change a man who just couldn’t open up to them the way they wanted. But here’s a common scenario: these women (and maybe you too) assume that the man will come around, that when he falls in love with them, he will then become emotionally vulnerable.
That rarely happens.
So why do emotionally unavailable men exist? Don’t we live in a society where men are now encouraged to express their feelings?
While yes, it’s now more acceptable for men to be emotional or vulnerable, today’s man may not have been raised that way. He may have been taught to stop crying and be a man, or encouraged to toughen up by his father. He may have experienced trauma that he bottled up over a lifetime, which can make being vulnerable again a challenge.
My point is: you don’t know why these emotionally unavailable men are the way they are. The best you can do is to look for signs that the man you’re in a relationship with or just starting to date may be one more on your long list of emotionally unavailable men.
And while I’ll address this in detail at the end, I want you to understand that if a man is emotionally unavailable, it in no way indicates that you are being needy or clingy. I know women are hard on themselves often, taking the blame when they shouldn’t. So don’t. This is entirely on him.
Sign #1 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: They Come Off Like Robots
This guy acts exactly the same whether he’s happy, furious, sad, or tired. You have trouble reading him; you never know what he’s thinking, but you don’t want to be one of those women who is always asking what are you thinking?
You joke to him that he’s like an android, but you’re really not far off. He may be great in a crisis, but when it comes to opening up about his feelings (even his disappointment of his football team losing the Super Bowl), this man seems incapable of emotional expression.
How to Address This: You may be fighting a losing battle, but you’ve at least got to make an attempt to get into this guy’s head and heart. When something happens that you believe should have a significant emotional reaction (his dog died, his brother ran over his foot with the car, his roommate drank his beer), prod him gently for a reaction.
Wow, that really would have pissed me off/upset me/sent me off the deep end. You’re handling it really well. But how are you really feeling about it?
He can (and likely will) defer the question, but at least you’re making an effort to engage in dialogue about his feelings.
Sign #2 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: They Can Be Self-Centered
You may have initially been attracted to this guy’s self-confidence, but over time it’s turned into something else. He constantly talks about his own concerns and rarely asks how you’re doing. It’s plain rude! What gives with that behavior?
I think the primary reason emotionally unavailable men can be self-centered is that they can control the conversation. And they don’t have to care about your shit if they control the dialogue. If this guy actually started asking about what’s going on with you, you might — gasp — emotionally vomit all over him or demand his emotional support…and he simply doesn’t want to give it.
Being self-centered is a defense mechanism. If he’s in control of the relationship, he doesn’t have to open up if he doesn’t choose to. He’s so focused on his own agenda and needs, that there is no room for him to let you into his head and heart. That’s not going to change.
As a side note, many men who are emotionally unavailable are often also narcissists. The two go hand-in-hand, and neither is a good partner for you.
How to Address This: Even if he’s not asking how your day went, volunteer the information anyway. Make a point to match anything he says about himself with something about what’s going on with you. If he doesn’t take the hint and start letting you in, it’s time to move on.
Sign #3 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: They’re Not Incredibly Nice to Other People
It’s one thing that he’s closed off with you. Maybe you haven’t been dating long enough to know if he’s actually an emotionally unavailable man or not. But how he treats others is a pretty good indicator of what you need to know about this guy.
When he sees a homeless woman asking for change at the stoplight, does he say, boy I wish the cops would clean up the homeless problem?
Is he rude to waiters at restaurants, always demanding things from them?
Would he kick a puppy?
Okay, maybe that’s taking things too far, but my point is: is he compassionate and empathetic to others? Or does he take a superior attitude, thinking he’s better than everyone else, and everyone else is doing things the wrong way?
In general, you want a partner who can empathize with others. I’m not saying he needs to buy that homeless lady a house, but maybe throw her a few coins and appreciate that she’s down on her luck. Don’t judge her.
He should realize that people make mistakes, and if his waiter gave him the wrong order, politeness would remedy the situation better than anger.
How to Address This: When you first start dating a man, pay attention to how he treats others. You’re looking for respect, politeness, and empathy. Anything else may be a red flag that he’s an emotionally unavailable man, so keep an eye out for these other signs as you get to know him better.
Sign #4 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: They Never Take the Blame
When you ask what happened in past relationships, why they ended, he always puts the blame on his ex. Sure, it’s entirely possible that every relationship he’s ever been in ended because of someone else…isn’t it??
Probably not. He’s lying to you and to himself on that count.
Look, relationships usually end because at least one party isn’t happy. But it’s rare that one person contributes zero to the demise of the relationship. And the likelihood of that happening again and again — no less to a man who clearly seems to be emotionally unavailable — is highly suspect.
What happens when you ask about past relationships? Does he clam up or get bitter talking about his exes? Or can he tell you objectively what went wrong, including his role in the situation? He might be angry about a recent relationship (that’s understandable), but if he talks the same about one that was years ago, you have to wonder why he’s holding on to that resentment.
How to Address This: A man who is emotionally secure can talk about past relationships in a constructive way. He can share with you his insights without blaming or getting angry. If you feel uncomfortable with the level of ire he responds with when you bring up past relationships, realize that he’s going to talk about your relationship with him the same way one day. There’s no way to change that, but you can exit stage left sooner rather than later.
Sign #5 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: They Disengage from Their Relationships
Maybe when you first started dating, this man was all about you. He actively pursued you and did his best to woo you. As a result, you totally fell for him. Now, however, you’re feeling him disengaging from the relationship.
Why is he disengaging?
He may want to deliberately sabotage the relationship so you end it. He may disengage in a number of ways, including:
- Working longer hours
- Drinking heavily
- Spending time away from home
- Avoiding difficult conversations
- Keeping secrets
- Avoiding you
And the more he pulls away, the more you move toward him, trying to understand his change in behavior. You want communication and connection. He wants space and quiet. You feel rejected because he won’t address the problem head-on. He is frustrated because he feels like you’re backing him into a corner.
E. Mavis Hetherington, a pioneer explorer of family dynamics, calls this the Pursuer-Distancer Pattern. You pursue him as he distances himself from you. It’s a lose-lose situation.
In her study of 1,400 divorced individuals over 30 years, Hetherington found that couples who fell into this pattern were more likely to divorce or otherwise separate.
How to Address This: There is a fine line between a man needing some space to think about his relationship and a man completely disengaging. You’re going to have to rely on your gut instinct here. If he says he needs some space, ask how long he needs. If at the end of that period, he’s still disengaged, he’s hoping to avoid conflict altogether. It’s time to end things.
Sign #6 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: Sex Ranks High in Their Priorities
You feel like things are good in your relationship, but consider where they’re good. Are you spending quality time doing activities like eating out, sharing hobbies, and getting to know one another’s thoughts on various topics, or does the bulk of your good times together center around the bedroom?
Men and women get different things from sex. Women may become more emotionally attached to a man after sex, but if a man is emotionally unavailable, it’s likely going to be “just sex” for him. He may want it and initiate it with little regard to what you’re getting out of it on the other side.
He may prefer to have sex than to talk about his feelings, hoping to shut you up by giving you pleasure (or just getting pleasured himself. He probably doesn’t care if you orgasm or not.). He may use sex or withhold it in a power play to assert authority over you in your relationship.
How to Address This: Look, sex is an important component of any relationship, but at any point, if you feel like the bulk of your relationship consists of having sex rather than emotionally bonding in other ways, then this is one of those emotionally unavailable men you’ve been warned about. But if you’re not sure, suggest going out rather than staying in for a Netflix and chill session that will inevitably lead to getting naked. If he refuses time and time again, it’s time to move on.
Sign #6 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: They’re in Denial
If you ask him how he feels after some occurrence that would make anyone else angry/sad/another strong emotion, and he responds I’m fine, you’ve got to raise an eyebrow. Sure, maybe he’s trying to come off as the macho man…or he could simply not want to acknowledge his feelings of vulnerability.
He may feel like being emotionally available or acknowledging feelings that make him “less of a man” in his own eyes can make him vulnerable in a way that makes him highly uncomfortable.
He may deny that he needs help with opening up his emotional unavailability. He may get defensive and say nothing’s the matter with him. He’s just never ever been in love or close to it because, well, it was always his partner’s fault that things didn’t work out.
Yea.
Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.
How to Address This: If he’s unwilling to be honest with even himself, let alone you, about his feelings, then it’s not your job to try to change that. Because you will fail if you try to change a man. Trust me. Move on and make yourself available to a man who isn’t afraid to feel real feelings. That’s what makes a real man: he’s not masking emotions but rather facing them and owning them.
Sign #7 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: He’s Never Had a Long-Term Relationship
Sure, if the guy you’re dating is 25, it’s perfectly acceptable that he’s never been in a relationship longer than 6 months. But if you’re dating in your 40s, men in your age bracket should have had some solid relationship experience under their belts. If they haven’t, they may well be emotionally unavailable men, aka those who are afraid to commit.
There’s no rule about how long you want a man to have been in a relationship in his past, but if he’s been in at least one that was several years long, he should understand what a real relationship looks like. And it’s less likely that if he was in a longer relationship in the past that he would be emotionally unavailable today.
How to Address This: Root around in his past. Ask questions that help you understand his relationship history. What was his longest relationship? How old was he? What went wrong? Do your best to not make this an inquisition or make him defensive; share your own past so that you’re on equal footing.
Sign #8 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: He Has Some Past Trauma
You may never know that your boyfriend was molested or abused as a child since emotionally unavailable men often deliberately keep quiet about trauma from their past. They don’t want to talk about it.
But in the event that you do know something about his past, such as the negative impact that his parents’ divorce had on his ability to emotionally connect, or any kind of abuse or neglect, understand that this will affect him, even though he’s an adult. If he never sought therapy, this issue has been buried under the years, but just like the Princess and the Pea story, it’s still there, affecting him every day and in every relationship he has.
How to Address This: I’m going to say this with love, Sexy Confident Lady, and I want you to hear me: you are not his therapist. If he has issues from his past, he has deliberately chosen not to confront them head-on up to this point. There is nothing you can do or say that will compel him to open that door into the painful past. I know you want to fix him, but you can’t. Let go. Walk away. Find a man who isn’t afraid to battle his demons to become a loving partner to you.
Conclusion:
Probably by now, you’re going, dang Adam. You just described my last five relationships.
It sucks to keep dating emotionally unavailable men. But you’re here because you’re ready to break that cycle and open up to finding a man (the man) who isn’t afraid of his feelings for you, who is communicative, and ready to enter a loving relationship with you.
He’s out there.
So if you’ve been berating yourself about how you’re so needy and demanding too much from this man…
Stop that.
This isn’t about you.
He’s got issues that you are completely unaware of. He wanted female attention and companionship, but as he’s likely done in his past relationships when it reached a point where you wanted more than he could give, he began to pull away.
You were doing what you should have been doing: opening up to a partner over time, trusting him, and maybe falling in love.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Unfortunately, you did it with a man who couldn’t reciprocate.
Now that you are aware of the signs of emotionally unavailable men, you can watch out for them in the early days of dating so that you don’t end up investing too much time and energy into them before you realize you’ll never get what you want. You’re now going to be a ninja at stealthily observing these guys to pick out the ones who can’t commit and run the other way from them.
So congratulate yourself. You now know what to avoid so that you steer clear of men who will never open up to you emotionally, and that puts you on the right path to love.
Leave a comment below if you’ve ever dated emotionally unavailable men, and how you dealt with them.
I know men can seem confusing, but in reality, we’re not. I created the Male Mind Map to help you navigate the murky waters of the male mind. Download it today to better understand the man you’re with or the man you want to find!
I’m really confused by the guy I’m going out with . He used to work away from home and we saw each other every 6 weeks and it was really nice. He’s retired a couple months ago and we barely see each other but he still Texas me every morning nights if not to drunk.. Really nice romantic messages . I’ve meet his family. Had dinner at his daughters house and his sister has said I was first girl he has introduced to family .. But he’s keeping me as a distance.
When I question him he says I’m bossy or I’ve changed … ..Wrong I’m still the same . He has mood changes I’ve seen them and when it happen he leaves.. He was sexual abuses as a child I know this he told me plus I’ve seen sign of abused ..How he’s like a scared child after sex .I’ve seen this many times but. Never have said a word .
He may or may not have a drinking problem, and if he does, I can guarantee you that nothing but pain will come of your relationship. Sounds like you may be a good candidate for Alanon, in all sincerity. Good luck.
He definitely belongs to the above described (emotionally unavailable) category. I wouldn’t try to peruse him further. Obviously your feelings are involved but it sounds like his are probably not on the same level. There’s no need in prioritizing someone who isn’t willing to reciprocate. It hurts, I know because I’ve searched high and low for every excuse to keep persuing my sons dad when at the end of the day if I put in 100% he is only willing to give 50%. Over time that will steal your joy and sadly some people get used to it when they are worth so much more than they’re giving themselves credit for. I would recommend finding someone who is willing to match you and not get caught up in the cat & mouse games. Get to know yourself and what you expect out of a man. Then don’t settle for any less. Good luck!
Sign #8 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: He Has Some Past Trauma
That’s about me. Because of two failed relationships before, now I have this trauma and I think that she’s going to do the same shit other girls did to me. I know I have this problem and I’m fixing it, but sometimes I just can’t shut my mouth and I’m saying annoying things to my current gf and it’s clear that it gets her mad.
Adam Adam Adam…….thank you isn’t enough…..You are a Gift to many of us.
thank you, Adam!!!!
I have a doozy. been with this man for 6 tears, on and off. I love him and have for a long time. he does have emotional trauma thst is always in his head, that being, his 3rd wife committed suicide with his gun and he was the one to find her. I feel bad if I say you need to get over it already. in the honeymoon stage, he was so loving, caring, gentle, I felt like he loved me. he after about 8 months bought me a ring. (I call it my “keep me off the market ring” as we have no plans to be married. we’ve had arguments where we have separated for periods of time with the most being 2 weeks. I’ve tried to communicate to him why I may feel a certain way or some things that he does bugs the hell out of me and maybe even suggesting that he help me to help him. I trust him but he does things that make me question that trust, altho I have tried to discuss with him it’s like he doesn’t take it to heart. so I feel lonely and definitely on the low rung of the totem pole. yet I continue to hold on because I feel that sensitive guy is in there as I have seen it. I’m so confused by him, definitely can’t figure him out. the. when o give up in my mind, not my heart, he will do some off the wall thing that pulls me back in. I really don’t know what to do. I am on my last try.
I so feel you about this. Have been off an on with one a little over 2 years. When we first started talking, a real gentle man, opening doors, moved me in 3 times moved me out 3 times. Didn’t talk about any thing that really needed to be depth with, if was home don’t bother him he was always busyh pushing me away no matter what issue was. If at work , tiring make living busting his butt pay bills, he’s say. Leave me alone when I gather I struck a nerve, at times I would ask question you nesting others what is going on, he would lie. I knew he was, after he thought he had me fooled, well just too prove my gut feeling was correct, went through text. Is wait as time continued I am very true. If I am directly asked any question I will be as honest as possible. Even in slow time as telling on my self with smerky remarks of what I read. Like hmmm think excess bagged you gonna finally put too road. Are don’t for get them favors. Since I’m a nothing. Oh well time came that the lies, deception, him wrecking my truck an his non emotional own issue an wanting be left alone, I had been ready too be out of his way. Time like went still, I am not one put up with arrogance, be controled. Once he struck my nerves at a point of you will regret all. I’m out been away little over a month now, oh he’s gotten in touch, he came, his needs got right, he knows I have that magnetism as we both do. He will realize that I’m highly on route too make every know point that his loss is for life. Call me a what any will. I treat an love too spoil if you call spoiling me in early morning an that’s it I’m not worth any other part in daily life. Well I’ll give you that wick burn it at both ends, hit middle all gone .. the end. His is burning slow, once realizes, she’s really done, then will question him self, why why why, it was then when each time I tried reaching out, he would shut me out, now I’m out knowing that feeling he will no longer have, get, yurns through him that he can’t shake. Knows he lost the one he let go behind selfish acts, turning every thing around on me. This is Why i love text. Todays men are not ones ask for dates, rather come over, thats not all i want. Dont listen, sex is the main key for most of these an thats all they want. Modern social meaningful understanding guys that really want a relationship will try with are without money too impress in every way. As should the lady. Today thats lost.
My first long term relationship just ended with a guy who was just acknowledging he was emotionally unavailable, and he wasn’t aware of this until the end when he backed off and distanced himself to the point of detachment from emotional attraction for me. Everything you said was right on target for me and him. I can see it is not my fault he hasn’t dealt with his issues and I can see that I don’t have to make the same mistake again! Thanks!
Wow! Wow! and Wow! I had never dated an emotional unavailible man before. I didn’t know what happened! he is all 8 of these senerios! he persued me and was absolutley wonderful! a very attentive & loving kind of person, or so I thought. I started to notice as long as he was in control of the situation, and I was doing everything when and the way he liked it we were cool. Then I started to notice, as I begin to draw closer to him, a slight pull back. He did’nt like to talk about anything that envolved us or concerned ow he felt. It was if my feelings didn’t matter. I couldn’t read him, he had the same expression about everything. I noticed the way he treated others, Thier time wasn’t valuable. If you needed something from him, you had to wait until he was ready to give it to you because he knew you needed it. Any and every thing he had to do was always more important. He stopped complimenting me, flirting with me, staying away from home longer, avoiding talking to me, shutting down, as I begin to feel rejected and tried to talk even more it got worse! Seems like he sabotaged the relationship so that I would just end it! and I did!!! I deserve better. He never took the blame for anything, or apologized for anything. I felt so rejected, and abandoned by what use to be the sweetest guy. But Now I understand it wasn’t me at all.
You just described my relationship to a T. I do feel completely rejected as at one time I was the most important thing in his life and one day I asked him one too many questions, to try and get close to him and he closed me out. One day he was just gone. My anxiety is so high because I don’t know what to do. One day he was there, the next day nothing. Totally discarded
OMGosh yes!!
We were together four years. I finally got up the nerve to ask him to love me. Not just say, I love you, but show it! He bolted.
I guess I knew all along he would do it, that’s why I avoided it. How stupid am I? I still love him!!
You definetely deserve better. Congratulations for the brave step forward. I have very similar scenario. Sweet and promising beginning, even marriage plans in house together.But signs were there- moody,controling,mean to others,even kids. I thought he might been angry as well stressed. He is in police. Always tryed to justify and understand him.Till he started to sabotage when I tryed to explain i need his emotional and moral support. He was annoyed and avoidant to my pain. Most of the time. There wasnt reciprocated love,it become obvious. All my hopes with him shattered. I was decieved and even blamed for being needy and too upset. Please guys don’t trust easily until you know the person well and if you see the warning signs -dont sweep them under t carpet. You deserve better. There s so much better out there.
It’s week 3 after the breakup and he is still trying to reach to me, on top of that he has some serious anger problems I don’t want to deal with anymore…
It seems like he blames himself after always pointing fingers at me but it could be also a lie…
I had enough
Many so-called detached and aloof men ponder a change in their personal environment which many feel very comfortable with. Impending more serious relationships obviously are going to change all that. This is a problem for many. They want a relationship but aren’t convinced the changes that occur as a result are worth following through with it. They will analyze until the point of analysis paralysis then start to back away before it gets too complicated. They aren’t good at explaining this as it’s a private mental struggle they don’t see as something to be shared with a significant, or in this case a somewhat insignificant other. The woman in short time will be viewing the relationship partner more as a friend or brother figure than a potential lover. Eventually he will disappear without having a big blowup. Boredom works wonders in breaking up a relationship. The woman will actually feel good about getting rid of this person and the guy has accomplished his goals at the same time.
I married an emotional available man, married for 24 years and boom! Most of this is him now. I see the man I married peek out once in awhile and then he must feel it too and right back to the emotional unavailable again.
If I meet another man that only sees me during the night and he can’t spend time with me because he is so busy (laundry, cleaning, driving to other peoples houses, spending time with friends and family) I may explode. Things go “well” for a few days…then…crickets. I in the meantime help him with laundry, cleaning, basics that stress him out to attempt to give him more time to maybe spend time with me and he disappears for days. I then send a long worded text about how he is on/off and he doesnt know what I am talking about. He then ignores the long text and will say something like I just got home or I am taking a shower. He never acknowledges the text but states he doesnt know why I get so worked up. Its because we were “normal” for days straight and talking ( always about him) and last I knew he was going to call me that night to see about hanging out. Days later he says ” Ya. My phone died or I was with friends and don’t always want my phone around” or ” I needed a break”. I am ALWAYS unsure what a break is needed for. Me listening to his shitty day, me taking his laundry home, me finding him side jobs, me telling him I’d like to spend time with him, the 1 hour visits we have at a time that leads to I quote “doing me” and then falling asleep??? I feel I am worthless to not only always neglect any and all my texts, time spent is a favor done because he tries to make everyone happy, and sex now is only our sex parts making connection. His hands never touch any part of my body and before he exits he says ” sigh, I’m tired now or ” I gotta go to work” rolls out and I have not had a moment to even really begin or be present.
Life with these men is lonely and ALL i do is try to love them to simply show them they matter.
They don’t want to matter to anybody. This guy is a stranger and will remain a stranger forever, if not longer.
An emotionally unavailable man builds walls around himself which you will never break through. This is why you will never be asked to meet families, never be invited to family dinners like Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. and never be included in his circle of friends. His nature is to shelter his secure personal environment to which you are not, nor ever will be fully included. You’re an outsider and probably will stay an outsider. You will never fully gain any acceptance past a certain point.
I’m surprised he even wants any type of physical relationship with you. The emotions and the fear of possible issues like marriage, pregnancy etc. will keep him at a distance even while he is with you.
Believe me when I say this. I’m the epitome of an emotionally unavailable man. I’ve been told I’m more of a brother or friend in a relationship by numerous women. This is the way I actually want it. It’s an easy escape route. I can send texts and write emails that will set you on fire but in real life, these same emotions will never be seen. My advice is play the game or dump him as he will eventually disappear if you suggest moving further. No point in talking because he knows exactly what he’s doing and won’t change.
thank you for this, i’m “involved” with an emotionally unavailable man at the moment.
He’s such a contradiction. He’s affectionate and brings up conversations about “us” and asks if I am happy how we are, but he also talks a lot about an ex from years ago who he apparently still loves, but then other times he’ll tell me what a horrible person she was and how I am so nice to him he doesn’t know how to deal with it! Talk about mixed signals. Luckily i’m also quite detached but even still I have to bring myself back from the edge whenever I tread too near for fear of falling for him and ultimately creating more problems for myself.
Your post has helped me move away from the current edge, so thank you again for that
Wow!! Spot on description of my current situation! Almost two years and we are no further along than day one. He knows he’s emotionally unavailable and tries to explain when I prompt enough that he’s afraid of getting to close just to have it end.
I am a fearful avoidant so I am comfortable with the distance and space and the fact that he doesn’t demand too much of me and call me out for not being in as responsive as some most people like. So it’s mostly comfortable. I want a relationship without the engulfment. Our biggest problem is that I feel like an outcast, unwelcome in his circle and last on his list of priorities. I can’t count on him to show up when it’s important. And i can’t count on him on a Fri night if I’m looking for something to do, even if it’s just tagging along with him and his group of co-ed friends. And believe me, I don’t ask that often.
When we’re together we’re the right energy for each other and have amazing sex. Its all the in between time that is empty. He swears he loves me to death and tells me he doesn’t know how to show it. To me he doesn’t have to show me anything, I can feel it when we are in each other’s presence.
We always have the best time when it happens. How does someone love someone but never think to include them or want them around? I can’t relate to that. I can relate to too much time spent being an issue, but anyone I’ve felt I didn’t want around, I ended it because I didn’t want them around.
I can’t wrap my head around it. I get blamed if he has suspicions that I’m cheating yet he doesn’t want a relationship? Probably because he knows he isn’t pulling his weight he worries. I’ve never cheated.. I’ve “broken up” several times because I want to get away from this and be emotionally free so that I can have a normal relationship someday. But still never strayed.
Truth be told, Im a pretty woman, independant, financially stable and a great catch! Mostly sane..lol Other than being attached to this man. I want to detach. Im trying to detach. Only I’ve done it so many times out of frustration that he doesn’t take me seriously. I think in those times it was a manipulation tactic and even though I partially meant it, i was hoping he’d change.
This time is different. I don’t see change as possible. I will be forever resentful for not letting me in on the fun and I will spend my weekends companionless if I stay. I want to be free from the hold of committing to a man who is commitmentless.
You definetely deserve better. Congratulations for the brave step forward. I have very similar scenario. Sweet and promising beginning, even marriage plans in house together.But signs were there- moody,controling,mean to others,even kids. I thought he might been angry as well stressed. He is in police. Always tryed to justify and understand him.Till he started to sabotage when I tryed to explain i need his emotional and moral support. He was annoyed and avoidant to my pain. Most of the time. There wasnt reciprocated love,it become obvious. All my hopes with him shattered. I was decieved and even blamed for being needy and too upset. Please guys don’t trust easily until you know the person well and if you see the warning signs -dont sweep them under t carpet. You deserve better. There s so much better out there.
This was such a touching and insightful post that described my situation as well. I hope you have moved on.
Emotionally unavailable men are also usually narcissists.. please RUN dont walk,away from him!.
I just wanted to say thank you. I have been abandoned yet again by another emotionally unavailable man whom I suspect might also be a covert narc. I know that I cannot fix him, that if I go back he’ll just abandon me again in due time. He is very self-centred and I was a low priority, and over time I noticed him detaching and pulling away. Thankfully I wasn’t quite in love with him yet, although feelings were brewing, so it’s difficult right now but I know that in time I will be okay. Since he has ghosted me, I had to make the decision to end things on my own and that lack of closure is hard to deal with. If he’s a narc I know he’ll try to come back in the future, but I will be ready and I will be strong enough to say no. Feeling sad today and grieving a little but time heals all wounds. Your article helped me understand that walking away from him is the right course of action, and that wanting to contact him to make things right is normal behaviour but not needy behaviour. I won’t attempt to contact him anymore. That’s the end for me. Thank you xx
Ive been hooking up with a married man for over a year. Didn’t know he was married for 4 months, when he finally admitted it. We’ve never gone out, he is 2 years into his second marriage and totally emotionally unavailable. He tells me he wishes his wife would just leave and the only reason he got married was bc he was forced to. I am obsessed with him bc he is so detached. It’s a mind-mystery I want to solve. I’ve never met anybody like him – the unavailable part. We are both 48. I have broken it off countless times and he puts up with it for some reason. He’s always there when I want to come back for my sex. Really, all I want is sex but with a happy man, not an autistic-like boy in a man’s body
I’ve been with my husband for 22 years, and I’ve often joked with him about him acting just like a robot. I’ve never heard him laugh, not one single time, the entire time we’ve been together. The only emotions he seems capablenof are anger and irritation, which are mostly in response to the things our kids do or pretty much any time I open my mouth to speak. He gets angry when I ask him to do simple things like take out the garbage. The rest of the time, he’s ignoring the kids and me. He spends most of his time with his face stuck either in his phone, a computer, or the t.v. I recently discovered that he has a porn addiction, which has devastated me, and hurt me all the more because he said he didn’t want to have sex with me a whole lot because he was afraid “we’d get tired of it.” He also told me that men don’t love women as “hard” or deep as women love men. I pretty much translated that into “I just don’t love you.” I am seeking a divorce as soon as I possibly can. I’m completely miserable and I can’t live like this anymore.
Thank you so very much for the information. I just learnt a lot. I made up my mind to move on because of this issue. Your explanation is on point and I am very happy I finally decided to let go and move on. I just can’t stay any longer because I felt it’s an emotional torture. I can’t continue to write very lengthy message explaining my side of the story and how a normal relationship should look like and in return you get a reply like I just got home, I just finished from work etc.
I am my own rescue, I don’t need permission from anyone. There is no better way to take revenge then to let go and move on or get stuck and continue hurting.
You’ve pretty much described a psycho to a T. On a serious note emotional detachment is often something the person is unaware of himself. It’s like genetically coded into some people. But it’s definitely no fun being in a relationship with someone who is aloof and only opens himself up on rare occasions.
These articles about emotionally unavailable men really crack me up. The women are always “confused” and wondering why he won’t change for them [rolls my eyes] …
Why are you even in these relationships? And why do the guys allow you in?
I am a completely emotionally unavailable guy. But I don’t afflict women with my presence. I don’t date, I don’t approach women, I don’t talk to them, and I definitely would never get into a relationship with one. I’m not interested in casual sex, and you won’t be getting any affection from me.
You see, I’m honest. I know I’m not relationship material. So I don’t get into relationships. Yes, it really is that simple. Now please go dump your guy who isn’t giving you what you want; he never will and you can’t change him. And guys – if you don’t want a relationship, then DON’T BE IN ONE! I swear, men and women these are so stupid it’s amazing anyone ever gets together.
Love your comments. Spot on!!
I’m also emotionally unavailable. I haven’t dated for a number of years, haven’t had any sexual relationships for as long as I can remember and don’t really want one. This complicates things immensely. Which reminds me of a funny incident. A group of guys were talking about their first time they had sex. They asked me if I remembered. I said, “the first time? It’s been so long I can’t even remember the last time!” 🙂
To be honest, at times you do wish you had a significant other but these are fleeting feelings, In the long run I’d rather be an outlier and be by myself. So much less complicated. At the gym I have women always talking to me and flirting but I make sure I never cross a certain point. I’m very cordial, very complimentary but have no intention of ever pursuing any of them. After awhile it becomes obvious to them and they start to back off which is exactly what I wanted them to do. Having women show an interest is more than enough, getting involved is more than I want to handle. This is the life of an emotionally unavailable man. If you notice this type of behavior, save yourself a lot of emotional turmoil and get away from men like us. We won’t intentionally hurt you but you will end up being hurt by our inability or purposeful avoidance of truly entering into a full relationship.
Hi there, I am just finishing my one year relationship with this kind of guy. I would only add one thing up – they very often avoid making phone calls. I have been with this guy for one year (long-distance relationship but with lots of time together) and we spoke on the phone THREE times. Even though, I met his family and his friends on number of occassions he would never ever post a picture with me on WhatsApp status – come on I have no need to be in the frontline, but…(and believe me there is nothing to be shamed of – in terms of my appearance ;-). What was even more astonishing – believe me or not but throughout the whole year – he never suggested to have the pic taken of both of us. All the pics we have together were always taken at my request and we used to travel a lot – visiting amazing places not only in Europe but also in South America. When we were together the things seemed to be OK, but I always had a sensation that I am never quite close to him. Whenever I asked him about his thoughts, feelings, motives there was ALWAYS the same answer:”I don’t know”. I finally got sick 6 months ago – everything turned out to be fine at the end, but I was quite frightened and had to had a procedure in general anaesthesia – as you imagine – the guy disappeared. Only one or two short messages daily on WhatsApp for 3 weeks. He found himself only when I got to know the final results of tests and that everything was fine. He was so ashamed of himself – said never again….Until last week – when he was at my home and I had some problems at work plus my Mom got sick . He seemed to be perfect – cooking, worrying about my Mom and so on. Until the moment when he went back home – for the following 7 days week forgot to ask about my Mom, my job and even forgot to ask about my flat tyre which I got in the middle of nowhere on the weekend… He also forgot to say “thank you” from his family for gifts that I bought for them in my country…And exactly one week ago – I understood. It dawned on me – that it was a game – of attracting/rejecting game which is never to be won. It is killing a person who is on the other side. A game that wears you out so much that you even do not find satisfaction being with that person in one of the most beautiful sites in the world like Atacama in Chile. And the last thing – promises – there have been the same promises related to our relationship since the first month. None of them have been accomplished. When I asked him 10 days ago if wanted to break up, gain his freedom and so on – I reassured me he loved me very much and wanted to be with me and it seemed to be genuine – I really did not feel any tricks there …I finally wrote it all to him. Without accusations, without blaming, politely, with empathy and sympathy – just explaining the whole game he was playing and I asked him time to think if he was ready to do something about it, like psychotherapy or coaching, to think if he was ready to invest some real energy in us I gave him as much time as he needed and suggested to make a break so he could find out what he needs……Never have I got the reply. Just : “hi, how are you?” on WhatsApp after 5 days….For me the game is over… But yes, it hurts like a hell……..Thank you for the warm message at the end of the article. No, I was not clingy. I was a really great partner – mature, loving and respecting, funny and interesting. It was just not the right addressee…
Thank you for your wisdom…I have made plenty of poor choices over the corse of my 50+ years on this earth. I was raised “old school” respect your elders, clean your plate, school work and chores before play, don’t speak unless spoken to and do unto others as you would have done to you…so being blind to how cruel this world really is I trust everyone until given a reason not to…I have discussed the approach I take with several people, the majority of them say that an individual has to earn trust. I am going to try to implement this into my next relationship since I was forced out of my last one by an emotionally unavailable man. Only problem is I can’t stop loving him, after 18 yrs. with a few breaks here and there he decided not to try anymore, I wasn’t prepared for him to give up on us…we have tons of memories, he is a kind man, I belived 2 things whole heartedly about him 1) he would never hit me 2) that he would never cheat on me. I thought that was enough to keep us together but I was wrong 🙁 at least now I can stop blaming myself and realize the problem was with him and move on with an empty spot in my heart but with my head filled with knowledge.
Having control over one’s emotions is seen as an asset in many ‘male’ circles. It can be at times a useful trait.
Emotional unavailability is something that can happen out of a socialized habit, as a result of trauma, or also by choice.
I hear a lot of women complain about emotional unavailability in men. I sincerely have been asking every woman I can about what that is and what that looks like. Then I asked about these specific men in their lives, who they were, how their relationships went, and how that manifested.
Sometimes emotional unavailability, really, is when a guy just doesn’t really like you. Sometimes a guy hangs in with you because it’s convenient, he’s not unhappy, he doesn’t want to find another girl, and he’s really just hanging in and hoping the relationship gets better.
Some men don’t even realize that this is happening. Some men don’t think they’re in a position to start dating a completely new girl again. Men don’t operate emotionally with their friends as much. Men don’t often confess to other men that the spark in their romance has faded. This would be an embarrassment to themselves. Men in a couple, while they might talk about it less with their friends, would much rather like their peers to assume that things are going great for them in their relationship, in the bedroom and otherwise.
One of the traits that’s listed is ‘sex is a high priority.’ Having an interest in sex and a high sex drive isn’t necessarily a bad quality unless you see that as incompatible with you and what you want. One thing you should ask yourself here is – is this a symptom of the type of man that this person is or could this actually be the cause of the kind of malaise that has steered him to an uninspired, emotionally distant place.
Men are typically highly motivated by sex. If he’s bored in the bedroom, if he feels like he’ll never really get the kind frequency of activity that he’s looking for he might not speak up about this, but if this is happening he’s probably going to engage in a lot of these kind of behaviors.
If you don’t treat your man very well in general, he may very well engage in many of these behaviors either consciously or unconsciously.
So think about that.
Sometimes when men do these kinds of things, they might be doing them simply because they’re just not that into you. Maybe they never were, maybe it turned into this. A relationship works both ways. If you really care about this man, and you’d like him to step it up in the area of emotional availability, I would suggest you do some detective work and see if there’s anything that could help you step it up.
This is honest and difficult to say, but it’s the simplest, most obvious way of approaching any problem, and that’s looking at results but then looking at yourself. Perhaps, there’s something you are doing wrong or something you could do differently. I know that romantic self-help tends to bask in projecting the problems on other ‘deeply flawed’ people. We cannot escape the fact that we are all humans. Perhaps these kind of behaviors could be thought of as more of a cry for help depending on the situation. I encourage you to go out there and help your man because I don’t think he wants to live a disconnected subpar life either.