If you look back at the last few relationships you’ve been in, you can see a pattern: you seem to always be attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Despite your best efforts to get them to open up, you always end up hurt and frustrated that they never reciprocate the affection or love you feel for them.
So what can you do when every relationship you’re in seems to dead end emotionally?
First off, know you aren’t alone. So many women like you have thrown their hands up when they were unable to change a man who just couldn’t open up to them the way they wanted. But here’s a common scenario: these women (and maybe you too) assume that the man will come around, that when he falls in love with them, he will then become emotionally vulnerable.
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That rarely happens.
So why do emotionally unavailable men exist? Don’t we live in a society where men are now encouraged to express their feelings?
While yes, it’s now more acceptable for men to be emotional or vulnerable, today’s man may not have been raised that way. He may have been taught to stop crying and be a man, or encouraged to toughen up by his father. He may have experienced trauma that he bottled up over a lifetime, which can make being vulnerable again a challenge.
My point is: you don’t know why these emotionally unavailable men are the way they are. The best you can do is to look for signs that the man you’re in a relationship with or just starting to date may be one more on your long list of emotionally unavailable men.
And while I’ll address this in detail at the end, I want you to understand that if a man is emotionally unavailable, it in no way indicates that you are being needy or clingy. I know women are hard on themselves often, taking the blame when they shouldn’t. So don’t. This is entirely on him.
Sign #1 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: They Come Off Like Robots
This guy acts exactly the same whether he’s happy, furious, sad, or tired. You have trouble reading him; you never know what he’s thinking, but you don’t want to be one of those women who is always asking what are you thinking?
You joke to him that he’s like an android, but you’re really not far off. He may be great in a crisis, but when it comes to opening up about his feelings (even his disappointment of his football team losing the Super Bowl), this man seems incapable of emotional expression.
How to Address This: You may be fighting a losing battle, but you’ve at least got to make an attempt to get into this guy’s head and heart. When something happens that you believe should have a significant emotional reaction (his dog died, his brother ran over his foot with the car, his roommate drank his beer), prod him gently for a reaction.
Wow, that really would have pissed me off/upset me/sent me off the deep end. You’re handling it really well. But how are you really feeling about it?
He can (and likely will) defer the question, but at least you’re making an effort to engage in dialogue about his feelings.
Sign #2 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: They Can Be Self-Centered
You may have initially been attracted to this guy’s self-confidence, but over time it’s turned into something else. He constantly talks about his own concerns and rarely asks how you’re doing. It’s plain rude! What gives with that behavior?
I think the primary reason emotionally unavailable men can be self-centered is that they can control the conversation. And they don’t have to care about your shit if they control the dialogue. If this guy actually started asking about what’s going on with you, you might — gasp — emotionally vomit all over him or demand his emotional support…and he simply doesn’t want to give it.
Being self-centered is a defense mechanism. If he’s in control of the relationship, he doesn’t have to open up if he doesn’t choose to. He’s so focused on his own agenda and needs, that there is no room for him to let you into his head and heart. That’s not going to change.
As a side note, many men who are emotionally unavailable are often also narcissists. The two go hand-in-hand, and neither is a good partner for you.
How to Address This: Even if he’s not asking how your day went, volunteer the information anyway. Make a point to match anything he says about himself with something about what’s going on with you. If he doesn’t take the hint and start letting you in, it’s time to move on.
Sign #3 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: They’re Not Incredibly Nice to Other People
It’s one thing that he’s closed off with you. Maybe you haven’t been dating long enough to know if he’s actually an emotionally unavailable man or not. But how he treats others is a pretty good indicator of what you need to know about this guy.
When he sees a homeless woman asking for change at the stoplight, does he say, boy I wish the cops would clean up the homeless problem?
Is he rude to waiters at restaurants, always demanding things from them?
Would he kick a puppy?
Okay, maybe that’s taking things too far, but my point is: is he compassionate and empathetic to others? Or does he take a superior attitude, thinking he’s better than everyone else, and everyone else is doing things the wrong way?
In general, you want a partner who can empathize with others. I’m not saying he needs to buy that homeless lady a house, but maybe throw her a few coins and appreciate that she’s down on her luck. Don’t judge her.
He should realize that people make mistakes, and if his waiter gave him the wrong order, politeness would remedy the situation better than anger.
How to Address This: When you first start dating a man, pay attention to how he treats others. You’re looking for respect, politeness, and empathy. Anything else may be a red flag that he’s an emotionally unavailable man, so keep an eye out for these other signs as you get to know him better.
Sign #4 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: They Never Take the Blame
When you ask what happened in past relationships, why they ended, he always puts the blame on his ex. Sure, it’s entirely possible that every relationship he’s ever been in ended because of someone else…isn’t it??
Probably not. He’s lying to you and to himself on that count.
Look, relationships usually end because at least one party isn’t happy. But it’s rare that one person contributes zero to the demise of the relationship. And the likelihood of that happening again and again — no less to a man who clearly seems to be emotionally unavailable — is highly suspect.
What happens when you ask about past relationships? Does he clam up or get bitter talking about his exes? Or can he tell you objectively what went wrong, including his role in the situation? He might be angry about a recent relationship (that’s understandable), but if he talks the same about one that was years ago, you have to wonder why he’s holding on to that resentment.
How to Address This: A man who is emotionally secure can talk about past relationships in a constructive way. He can share with you his insights without blaming or getting angry. If you feel uncomfortable with the level of ire he responds with when you bring up past relationships, realize that he’s going to talk about your relationship with him the same way one day. There’s no way to change that, but you can exit stage left sooner rather than later.
Sign #5 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: They Disengage from Their Relationships
Maybe when you first started dating, this man was all about you. He actively pursued you and did his best to woo you. As a result, you totally fell for him. Now, however, you’re feeling him disengaging from the relationship.
Why is he disengaging?
He may want to deliberately sabotage the relationship so you end it. He may disengage in a number of ways, including:
- Working longer hours
- Drinking heavily
- Spending time away from home
- Avoiding difficult conversations
- Keeping secrets
- Avoiding you
And the more he pulls away, the more you move toward him, trying to understand his change in behavior. You want communication and connection. He wants space and quiet. You feel rejected because he won’t address the problem head-on. He is frustrated because he feels like you’re backing him into a corner.
E. Mavis Hetherington, a pioneer explorer of family dynamics, calls this the Pursuer-Distancer Pattern. You pursue him as he distances himself from you. It’s a lose-lose situation.
In her study of 1,400 divorced individuals over 30 years, Hetherington found that couples who fell into this pattern were more likely to divorce or otherwise separate.
How to Address This: There is a fine line between a man needing some space to think about his relationship and a man completely disengaging. You’re going to have to rely on your gut instinct here. If he says he needs some space, ask how long he needs. If at the end of that period, he’s still disengaged, he’s hoping to avoid conflict altogether. It’s time to end things.
Sign #6 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: Sex Ranks High in Their Priorities
You feel like things are good in your relationship, but consider where they’re good. Are you spending quality time doing activities like eating out, sharing hobbies, and getting to know one another’s thoughts on various topics, or does the bulk of your good times together center around the bedroom?
Men and women get different things from sex. Women may become more emotionally attached to a man after sex, but if a man is emotionally unavailable, it’s likely going to be “just sex” for him. He may want it and initiate it with little regard to what you’re getting out of it on the other side.
He may prefer to have sex than to talk about his feelings, hoping to shut you up by giving you pleasure (or just getting pleasured himself. He probably doesn’t care if you orgasm or not.). He may use sex or withhold it in a power play to assert authority over you in your relationship.
How to Address This: Look, sex is an important component of any relationship, but at any point, if you feel like the bulk of your relationship consists of having sex rather than emotionally bonding in other ways, then this is one of those emotionally unavailable men you’ve been warned about. But if you’re not sure, suggest going out rather than staying in for a Netflix and chill session that will inevitably lead to getting naked. If he refuses time and time again, it’s time to move on.
Sign #6 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: They’re in Denial
If you ask him how he feels after some occurrence that would make anyone else angry/sad/another strong emotion, and he responds I’m fine, you’ve got to raise an eyebrow. Sure, maybe he’s trying to come off as the macho man…or he could simply not want to acknowledge his feelings of vulnerability.
He may feel like being emotionally available or acknowledging feelings that make him “less of a man” in his own eyes can make him vulnerable in a way that makes him highly uncomfortable.
He may deny that he needs help with opening up his emotional unavailability. He may get defensive and say nothing’s the matter with him. He’s just never ever been in love or close to it because, well, it was always his partner’s fault that things didn’t work out.
Yea.
Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.
How to Address This: If he’s unwilling to be honest with even himself, let alone you, about his feelings, then it’s not your job to try to change that. Because you will fail if you try to change a man. Trust me. Move on and make yourself available to a man who isn’t afraid to feel real feelings. That’s what makes a real man: he’s not masking emotions but rather facing them and owning them.
Sign #7 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: He’s Never Had a Long-Term Relationship
Sure, if the guy you’re dating is 25, it’s perfectly acceptable that he’s never been in a relationship longer than 6 months. But if you’re dating in your 40s, men in your age bracket should have had some solid relationship experience under their belts. If they haven’t, they may well be emotionally unavailable men, aka those who are afraid to commit.
There’s no rule about how long you want a man to have been in a relationship in his past, but if he’s been in at least one that was several years long, he should understand what a real relationship looks like. And it’s less likely that if he was in a longer relationship in the past that he would be emotionally unavailable today.
How to Address This: Root around in his past. Ask questions that help you understand his relationship history. What was his longest relationship? How old was he? What went wrong? Do your best to not make this an inquisition or make him defensive; share your own past so that you’re on equal footing.
Sign #8 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: He Has Some Past Trauma
You may never know that your boyfriend was molested or abused as a child since emotionally unavailable men often deliberately keep quiet about trauma from their past. They don’t want to talk about it.
But in the event that you do know something about his past, such as the negative impact that his parents’ divorce had on his ability to emotionally connect, or any kind of abuse or neglect, understand that this will affect him, even though he’s an adult. If he never sought therapy, this issue has been buried under the years, but just like the Princess and the Pea story, it’s still there, affecting him every day and in every relationship he has.
How to Address This: I’m going to say this with love, Sexy Confident Lady, and I want you to hear me: you are not his therapist. If he has issues from his past, he has deliberately chosen not to confront them head-on up to this point. There is nothing you can do or say that will compel him to open that door into the painful past. I know you want to fix him, but you can’t. Let go. Walk away. Find a man who isn’t afraid to battle his demons to become a loving partner to you.
Conclusion:
Probably by now, you’re going, dang Adam. You just described my last five relationships.
It sucks to keep dating emotionally unavailable men. But you’re here because you’re ready to break that cycle and open up to finding a man (the man) who isn’t afraid of his feelings for you, who is communicative, and ready to enter a loving relationship with you.
He’s out there.
So if you’ve been berating yourself about how you’re so needy and demanding too much from this man…
Stop that.
This isn’t about you.
He’s got issues that you are completely unaware of. He wanted female attention and companionship, but as he’s likely done in his past relationships when it reached a point where you wanted more than he could give, he began to pull away.
You were doing what you should have been doing: opening up to a partner over time, trusting him, and maybe falling in love.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Unfortunately, you did it with a man who couldn’t reciprocate.
Now that you are aware of the signs of emotionally unavailable men, you can watch out for them in the early days of dating so that you don’t end up investing too much time and energy into them before you realize you’ll never get what you want. You’re now going to be a ninja at stealthily observing these guys to pick out the ones who can’t commit and run the other way from them.
So congratulate yourself. You now know what to avoid so that you steer clear of men who will never open up to you emotionally, and that puts you on the right path to love.
Leave a comment below if you’ve ever dated emotionally unavailable men, and how you dealt with them.
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I’m really confused by the guy I’m going out with . He used to work away from home and we saw each other every 6 weeks and it was really nice. He’s retired a couple months ago and we barely see each other but he still Texas me every morning nights if not to drunk.. Really nice romantic messages . I’ve meet his family. Had dinner at his daughters house and his sister has said I was first girl he has introduced to family .. But he’s keeping me as a distance.
When I question him he says I’m bossy or I’ve changed … ..Wrong I’m still the same . He has mood changes I’ve seen them and when it happen he leaves.. He was sexual abuses as a child I know this he told me plus I’ve seen sign of abused ..How he’s like a scared child after sex .I’ve seen this many times but. Never have said a word .
He may or may not have a drinking problem, and if he does, I can guarantee you that nothing but pain will come of your relationship. Sounds like you may be a good candidate for Alanon, in all sincerity. Good luck.
He definitely belongs to the above described (emotionally unavailable) category. I wouldn’t try to peruse him further. Obviously your feelings are involved but it sounds like his are probably not on the same level. There’s no need in prioritizing someone who isn’t willing to reciprocate. It hurts, I know because I’ve searched high and low for every excuse to keep persuing my sons dad when at the end of the day if I put in 100% he is only willing to give 50%. Over time that will steal your joy and sadly some people get used to it when they are worth so much more than they’re giving themselves credit for. I would recommend finding someone who is willing to match you and not get caught up in the cat & mouse games. Get to know yourself and what you expect out of a man. Then don’t settle for any less. Good luck!
Good Advice Norma,
Thanks for sharing that. I have had one relationship which I suspected from the beginning but did not cut it off. He love bombed me hard, and literally found ways to financially sequester and then trap me, once I was ready to leave. It was just as you described I gave 100% and he gave between 10-50%. Exhausting and it was a huge mess leaving, although I am glad I did and wish I had sooner.
I have familiarity with Texas men (although I think Betty meant Txt) of a different era and it was expected to hold tough and use alcohol to cope. They are doing what their culture trained them to do. I wouldn’t say you need to walk away, but you need to be okay with the parameters of your relationship. Depends on the guy, but if he is just following his culture, it’s not like he willfully denied counseling, it just wasn’t there. While you owe ZERO obligation to help him via therapy. And you cannot expect to change him. You can however, gently lead a horse to water, to allow him to drink. That is a metaphor. If you really want a fulfilling romantic relationship, a guy who drinks every night is probably not your guy (E. U.) but you can help him in a friend way, ask to go to a moving art experience that you think he will like, a play, or just when you are having a lot of fun and he is being open, tell him you like him like this. 🙂
Sign #8 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: He Has Some Past Trauma
That’s about me. Because of two failed relationships before, now I have this trauma and I think that she’s going to do the same shit other girls did to me. I know I have this problem and I’m fixing it, but sometimes I just can’t shut my mouth and I’m saying annoying things to my current gf and it’s clear that it gets her mad.
Adam Adam Adam…….thank you isn’t enough…..You are a Gift to many of us.
thank you, Adam!!!!
I have a doozy. been with this man for 6 tears, on and off. I love him and have for a long time. he does have emotional trauma thst is always in his head, that being, his 3rd wife committed suicide with his gun and he was the one to find her. I feel bad if I say you need to get over it already. in the honeymoon stage, he was so loving, caring, gentle, I felt like he loved me. he after about 8 months bought me a ring. (I call it my “keep me off the market ring” as we have no plans to be married. we’ve had arguments where we have separated for periods of time with the most being 2 weeks. I’ve tried to communicate to him why I may feel a certain way or some things that he does bugs the hell out of me and maybe even suggesting that he help me to help him. I trust him but he does things that make me question that trust, altho I have tried to discuss with him it’s like he doesn’t take it to heart. so I feel lonely and definitely on the low rung of the totem pole. yet I continue to hold on because I feel that sensitive guy is in there as I have seen it. I’m so confused by him, definitely can’t figure him out. the. when o give up in my mind, not my heart, he will do some off the wall thing that pulls me back in. I really don’t know what to do. I am on my last try.
I so feel you about this. Have been off an on with one a little over 2 years. When we first started talking, a real gentle man, opening doors, moved me in 3 times moved me out 3 times. Didn’t talk about any thing that really needed to be depth with, if was home don’t bother him he was always busyh pushing me away no matter what issue was. If at work , tiring make living busting his butt pay bills, he’s say. Leave me alone when I gather I struck a nerve, at times I would ask question you nesting others what is going on, he would lie. I knew he was, after he thought he had me fooled, well just too prove my gut feeling was correct, went through text. Is wait as time continued I am very true. If I am directly asked any question I will be as honest as possible. Even in slow time as telling on my self with smerky remarks of what I read. Like hmmm think excess bagged you gonna finally put too road. Are don’t for get them favors. Since I’m a nothing. Oh well time came that the lies, deception, him wrecking my truck an his non emotional own issue an wanting be left alone, I had been ready too be out of his way. Time like went still, I am not one put up with arrogance, be controled. Once he struck my nerves at a point of you will regret all. I’m out been away little over a month now, oh he’s gotten in touch, he came, his needs got right, he knows I have that magnetism as we both do. He will realize that I’m highly on route too make every know point that his loss is for life. Call me a what any will. I treat an love too spoil if you call spoiling me in early morning an that’s it I’m not worth any other part in daily life. Well I’ll give you that wick burn it at both ends, hit middle all gone .. the end. His is burning slow, once realizes, she’s really done, then will question him self, why why why, it was then when each time I tried reaching out, he would shut me out, now I’m out knowing that feeling he will no longer have, get, yurns through him that he can’t shake. Knows he lost the one he let go behind selfish acts, turning every thing around on me. This is Why i love text. Todays men are not ones ask for dates, rather come over, thats not all i want. Dont listen, sex is the main key for most of these an thats all they want. Modern social meaningful understanding guys that really want a relationship will try with are without money too impress in every way. As should the lady. Today thats lost.
I have been dating a guy for 5 years, I am frustrated, lonely, and very sad. He works a lot of hours, and everyone and everything is higher on his priority than I am. He is in his 60’s and never been in a relationship before, ever. Which I thought was strange, but got emotionally involved, and now I am unwilling to break up with him, I have tried but get back together within one week. I have a bad history with broken marriages, so I thought him being so emotionally cold would be good for me, because I thought he is not the kind to abuse me, so I continue to stay with him. Its depressing, sad, and lonely. I wish I had the courage to break it off for good, but have tried so many times before I have no confidence in myself anymore and feel broken inside.
My first long term relationship just ended with a guy who was just acknowledging he was emotionally unavailable, and he wasn’t aware of this until the end when he backed off and distanced himself to the point of detachment from emotional attraction for me. Everything you said was right on target for me and him. I can see it is not my fault he hasn’t dealt with his issues and I can see that I don’t have to make the same mistake again! Thanks!
I have been dating this man for 2 monthes. I knew there was something off from the beginning. I felt like everything he was saying or doing was studied. He was sooo sweet at the very beginning. Telling me he loved me a day after dating. I knew better but had just lost my soulmate of 20 years to septic in Jan. I just wanted love. Anyway 2 monthes have gone by and I’m like a buddy to him, he stares at other women in front of me and if I say anything I’m to jealous and he can’t deal with that. I’m always in wrong. He wants no drama…a normal relationship conversation is drama to him. I just feel so ugly.
Wow that sounds terrible, it seems like he’s really affected your happiness and confidence in yourself. I had a similar experience with a guy where he started off intense and very interested but now he’s distant and shies away from any emotion i show that isn’t happy and playful. One of the biggest clues for me was that after a few days i felt more confident and lighter when the guy wasn’t around. Other friends noticed the difference in me as well.
I’ve got to know other guys since then i realised its not normal to be interested in a guy and feel like you’re ‘the problem’ and not good enough. Someone who truly cares will build you up and not make you into a nervous, insecure shadow of your previous self.
Wow….this is why it’s good to get the opinion of a real man sometimes. LOL! The first month, this man was point on. Showed major interest, had a desire to see me…now 2 months in…nothing. The good thing is it’s still early but after being intimate I got emotionally attached. Recently, I’ve had every sign make it’s way to me telling me to move on. And I know now, after reading this amazing article, that I must move on and know that I will be OK. I will move on, I will find love, better yet, maybe it will find me. I will find a man that is emotionally available to me and has a desire to talk to me Everyday.
Thank you so much for this article!
Wow! Wow! and Wow! I had never dated an emotional unavailible man before. I didn’t know what happened! he is all 8 of these senerios! he persued me and was absolutley wonderful! a very attentive & loving kind of person, or so I thought. I started to notice as long as he was in control of the situation, and I was doing everything when and the way he liked it we were cool. Then I started to notice, as I begin to draw closer to him, a slight pull back. He did’nt like to talk about anything that envolved us or concerned ow he felt. It was if my feelings didn’t matter. I couldn’t read him, he had the same expression about everything. I noticed the way he treated others, Thier time wasn’t valuable. If you needed something from him, you had to wait until he was ready to give it to you because he knew you needed it. Any and every thing he had to do was always more important. He stopped complimenting me, flirting with me, staying away from home longer, avoiding talking to me, shutting down, as I begin to feel rejected and tried to talk even more it got worse! Seems like he sabotaged the relationship so that I would just end it! and I did!!! I deserve better. He never took the blame for anything, or apologized for anything. I felt so rejected, and abandoned by what use to be the sweetest guy. But Now I understand it wasn’t me at all.
You just described my relationship to a T. I do feel completely rejected as at one time I was the most important thing in his life and one day I asked him one too many questions, to try and get close to him and he closed me out. One day he was just gone. My anxiety is so high because I don’t know what to do. One day he was there, the next day nothing. Totally discarded
OMGosh yes!!
We were together four years. I finally got up the nerve to ask him to love me. Not just say, I love you, but show it! He bolted.
I guess I knew all along he would do it, that’s why I avoided it. How stupid am I? I still love him!!
You definetely deserve better. Congratulations for the brave step forward. I have very similar scenario. Sweet and promising beginning, even marriage plans in house together.But signs were there- moody,controling,mean to others,even kids. I thought he might been angry as well stressed. He is in police. Always tryed to justify and understand him.Till he started to sabotage when I tryed to explain i need his emotional and moral support. He was annoyed and avoidant to my pain. Most of the time. There wasnt reciprocated love,it become obvious. All my hopes with him shattered. I was decieved and even blamed for being needy and too upset. Please guys don’t trust easily until you know the person well and if you see the warning signs -dont sweep them under t carpet. You deserve better. There s so much better out there.
Exactly!!!
Sorry you went through this.
I have as well. In my case ten years tied up in a Narcissist’s fantasy.
After reading your comment, I just about fell off my chair. I was with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. He was so charming in the beginning and pursued me like no other. He works in other states so our relationship was a long distance one. He was always texting me porn photos and never any ‘I miss you’, ‘I love you’, NEVER! I never knew where I stood. I finally asked him what his feelings were for me and he became upset. He started generalizing how all women want to know this and he just became argumentative. I let go. I had had enough. The relationship was centered on his needs and never mine. This is the first time we had an argument but I highly doubt he will reach out to me. I accepted this and have moved on. I do miss our talks but it was just an exhausting relationship where I gave my all and didn’t even get crumbs.
It’s week 3 after the breakup and he is still trying to reach to me, on top of that he has some serious anger problems I don’t want to deal with anymore…
It seems like he blames himself after always pointing fingers at me but it could be also a lie…
I had enough
Stay Strong! Get through this with self-care (baths, taking care of your skin and hair, favorite food or music or movies) friends. It shouldn’t be so tumultuous and unhappy to be in a relationship. Best of Luck!
Many so-called detached and aloof men ponder a change in their personal environment which many feel very comfortable with. Impending more serious relationships obviously are going to change all that. This is a problem for many. They want a relationship but aren’t convinced the changes that occur as a result are worth following through with it. They will analyze until the point of analysis paralysis then start to back away before it gets too complicated. They aren’t good at explaining this as it’s a private mental struggle they don’t see as something to be shared with a significant, or in this case a somewhat insignificant other. The woman in short time will be viewing the relationship partner more as a friend or brother figure than a potential lover. Eventually he will disappear without having a big blowup. Boredom works wonders in breaking up a relationship. The woman will actually feel good about getting rid of this person and the guy has accomplished his goals at the same time.
Mr_Majestic, you described My Parents. They were married for 24 years. But while my Father proposed to my much younger than him Mother, married her, they bought a house together, she convinced him to have a family and he consented prior to them trying, they had two children… and even so… my father still would tell me as a young child that deciding to marry my Mother was one of the hardest decisions he had to make and he still wasn’t sure he made the right choice. So while he sucked up the emotional and societal benefits (and paid for most of it in money) he still reserved himself an “out” at any time. I believe they did Love one another to their best ability, but my Dad always thought of himself and his lifestyle first. They eventually get divorced.
I married an emotional available man, married for 24 years and boom! Most of this is him now. I see the man I married peek out once in awhile and then he must feel it too and right back to the emotional unavailable again.
If I meet another man that only sees me during the night and he can’t spend time with me because he is so busy (laundry, cleaning, driving to other peoples houses, spending time with friends and family) I may explode. Things go “well” for a few days…then…crickets. I in the meantime help him with laundry, cleaning, basics that stress him out to attempt to give him more time to maybe spend time with me and he disappears for days. I then send a long worded text about how he is on/off and he doesnt know what I am talking about. He then ignores the long text and will say something like I just got home or I am taking a shower. He never acknowledges the text but states he doesnt know why I get so worked up. Its because we were “normal” for days straight and talking ( always about him) and last I knew he was going to call me that night to see about hanging out. Days later he says ” Ya. My phone died or I was with friends and don’t always want my phone around” or ” I needed a break”. I am ALWAYS unsure what a break is needed for. Me listening to his shitty day, me taking his laundry home, me finding him side jobs, me telling him I’d like to spend time with him, the 1 hour visits we have at a time that leads to I quote “doing me” and then falling asleep??? I feel I am worthless to not only always neglect any and all my texts, time spent is a favor done because he tries to make everyone happy, and sex now is only our sex parts making connection. His hands never touch any part of my body and before he exits he says ” sigh, I’m tired now or ” I gotta go to work” rolls out and I have not had a moment to even really begin or be present.
Life with these men is lonely and ALL i do is try to love them to simply show them they matter.
They don’t want to matter to anybody. This guy is a stranger and will remain a stranger forever, if not longer.
An emotionally unavailable man builds walls around himself which you will never break through. This is why you will never be asked to meet families, never be invited to family dinners like Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. and never be included in his circle of friends. His nature is to shelter his secure personal environment to which you are not, nor ever will be fully included. You’re an outsider and probably will stay an outsider. You will never fully gain any acceptance past a certain point.
I’m surprised he even wants any type of physical relationship with you. The emotions and the fear of possible issues like marriage, pregnancy etc. will keep him at a distance even while he is with you.
Believe me when I say this. I’m the epitome of an emotionally unavailable man. I’ve been told I’m more of a brother or friend in a relationship by numerous women. This is the way I actually want it. It’s an easy escape route. I can send texts and write emails that will set you on fire but in real life, these same emotions will never be seen. My advice is play the game or dump him as he will eventually disappear if you suggest moving further. No point in talking because he knows exactly what he’s doing and won’t change.
thank you for this, i’m “involved” with an emotionally unavailable man at the moment.
He’s such a contradiction. He’s affectionate and brings up conversations about “us” and asks if I am happy how we are, but he also talks a lot about an ex from years ago who he apparently still loves, but then other times he’ll tell me what a horrible person she was and how I am so nice to him he doesn’t know how to deal with it! Talk about mixed signals. Luckily i’m also quite detached but even still I have to bring myself back from the edge whenever I tread too near for fear of falling for him and ultimately creating more problems for myself.
Your post has helped me move away from the current edge, so thank you again for that
Wow!! Spot on description of my current situation! Almost two years and we are no further along than day one. He knows he’s emotionally unavailable and tries to explain when I prompt enough that he’s afraid of getting to close just to have it end.
I am a fearful avoidant so I am comfortable with the distance and space and the fact that he doesn’t demand too much of me and call me out for not being in as responsive as some most people like. So it’s mostly comfortable. I want a relationship without the engulfment. Our biggest problem is that I feel like an outcast, unwelcome in his circle and last on his list of priorities. I can’t count on him to show up when it’s important. And i can’t count on him on a Fri night if I’m looking for something to do, even if it’s just tagging along with him and his group of co-ed friends. And believe me, I don’t ask that often.
When we’re together we’re the right energy for each other and have amazing sex. Its all the in between time that is empty. He swears he loves me to death and tells me he doesn’t know how to show it. To me he doesn’t have to show me anything, I can feel it when we are in each other’s presence.
We always have the best time when it happens. How does someone love someone but never think to include them or want them around? I can’t relate to that. I can relate to too much time spent being an issue, but anyone I’ve felt I didn’t want around, I ended it because I didn’t want them around.
I can’t wrap my head around it. I get blamed if he has suspicions that I’m cheating yet he doesn’t want a relationship? Probably because he knows he isn’t pulling his weight he worries. I’ve never cheated.. I’ve “broken up” several times because I want to get away from this and be emotionally free so that I can have a normal relationship someday. But still never strayed.
Truth be told, Im a pretty woman, independant, financially stable and a great catch! Mostly sane..lol Other than being attached to this man. I want to detach. Im trying to detach. Only I’ve done it so many times out of frustration that he doesn’t take me seriously. I think in those times it was a manipulation tactic and even though I partially meant it, i was hoping he’d change.
This time is different. I don’t see change as possible. I will be forever resentful for not letting me in on the fun and I will spend my weekends companionless if I stay. I want to be free from the hold of committing to a man who is commitmentless.
You definetely deserve better. Congratulations for the brave step forward. I have very similar scenario. Sweet and promising beginning, even marriage plans in house together.But signs were there- moody,controling,mean to others,even kids. I thought he might been angry as well stressed. He is in police. Always tryed to justify and understand him.Till he started to sabotage when I tryed to explain i need his emotional and moral support. He was annoyed and avoidant to my pain. Most of the time. There wasnt reciprocated love,it become obvious. All my hopes with him shattered. I was decieved and even blamed for being needy and too upset. Please guys don’t trust easily until you know the person well and if you see the warning signs -dont sweep them under t carpet. You deserve better. There s so much better out there.
This was such a touching and insightful post that described my situation as well. I hope you have moved on.
Thank you for this post. It describes exactly what i am going through !
Nic, I am on the last stage you have described here. I see a year ago almost. How are you now ? :-s
My Lord…thank you for clarity and honesty!
Gaby V. He is gaslighting you. Look up on youtube if you don’t know what it means. Your feelings are valid, they are 1/2 the relationship. If he cannot acknowledge them (some guys will put you off, until they can deal with it better than come back and address what you said.. but if he never addresses what you said and just keeps doing it again again.) that is abuse. Over time if you care about him, you will feel less and less confident about life until you are literally crying in the shower. I suggest you leave as soon as possible.
Emotionally unavailable men are also usually narcissists.. please RUN dont walk,away from him!.
I just wanted to say thank you. I have been abandoned yet again by another emotionally unavailable man whom I suspect might also be a covert narc. I know that I cannot fix him, that if I go back he’ll just abandon me again in due time. He is very self-centred and I was a low priority, and over time I noticed him detaching and pulling away. Thankfully I wasn’t quite in love with him yet, although feelings were brewing, so it’s difficult right now but I know that in time I will be okay. Since he has ghosted me, I had to make the decision to end things on my own and that lack of closure is hard to deal with. If he’s a narc I know he’ll try to come back in the future, but I will be ready and I will be strong enough to say no. Feeling sad today and grieving a little but time heals all wounds. Your article helped me understand that walking away from him is the right course of action, and that wanting to contact him to make things right is normal behaviour but not needy behaviour. I won’t attempt to contact him anymore. That’s the end for me. Thank you xx
Yes….wonderfully written and yes it sounds like u are going to be just fine. You sound like a strong women and I’m so proud of you. I too have decided to pull away, after only 2 months. At first, I thght it was me, but it’s not. How can you be in a relationship and the man NOT talk to you for 2 days!? Why? There isn’t that much work in the world! You mean to tell me between point A and Point B, I didnt come to ur mind, not even a txt? Or you no show for 3 dates? The Excuse is ur mentally drained. Ok…well, poof be gone! I’m with you gurl…I’M OUT TOO!!
Ive been hooking up with a married man for over a year. Didn’t know he was married for 4 months, when he finally admitted it. We’ve never gone out, he is 2 years into his second marriage and totally emotionally unavailable. He tells me he wishes his wife would just leave and the only reason he got married was bc he was forced to. I am obsessed with him bc he is so detached. It’s a mind-mystery I want to solve. I’ve never met anybody like him – the unavailable part. We are both 48. I have broken it off countless times and he puts up with it for some reason. He’s always there when I want to come back for my sex. Really, all I want is sex but with a happy man, not an autistic-like boy in a man’s body
JAMLANE
Appreciate your honesty. That is the first step to solving your own mind-mystery. I think your standards are too low and when you are tested, you lower them. I would work on raising your own self-esteem, so you can get what you truly want. Not just a taste or a proxy with your eyes closed.
Why would a 46 year old man be forced to marry someone? Do you mean he got her pregnant? Accepting this behavior, you are the rare skank who will make excuses for him, of course he will come back for sex. No judgement from me, but a plea that you will realize you are worth more.
I’ve been with my husband for 22 years, and I’ve often joked with him about him acting just like a robot. I’ve never heard him laugh, not one single time, the entire time we’ve been together. The only emotions he seems capablenof are anger and irritation, which are mostly in response to the things our kids do or pretty much any time I open my mouth to speak. He gets angry when I ask him to do simple things like take out the garbage. The rest of the time, he’s ignoring the kids and me. He spends most of his time with his face stuck either in his phone, a computer, or the t.v. I recently discovered that he has a porn addiction, which has devastated me, and hurt me all the more because he said he didn’t want to have sex with me a whole lot because he was afraid “we’d get tired of it.” He also told me that men don’t love women as “hard” or deep as women love men. I pretty much translated that into “I just don’t love you.” I am seeking a divorce as soon as I possibly can. I’m completely miserable and I can’t live like this anymore.
Good for you!!!!!!!! You’ve suffered for long enough. It’s time to move on.
Lucy,
Sorry to hear about that, it sounds devastating. You still have your life to live and this man is cheating you of a genuine experience to be happy.
He won’t care about your decision to divorce him. He may appear angry over it, but it won’t be because of you. It will be because you’ve caused him situations where he might be given divorce settlements which favor you and the kids, he’s going to have to sign papers and/or legal documents, he may be forced to move and mostly likely have to hire and meet with an attorney and it will cause a lot of activity on his part that he simply doesn’t want to be bothered with. He’d most likely rather see you just disappear but not change his personal environment. This happened to me and I never gave her a second thought, in fact it was refreshing that she was gone but the changes forced by legal proceedings were really difficult until it was finally over. Then it was “go away, leave me alone, don’t talk to me, I never liked you anyway and you caused me problems!” In the end, in his mind, he won!
Thank you so very much for the information. I just learnt a lot. I made up my mind to move on because of this issue. Your explanation is on point and I am very happy I finally decided to let go and move on. I just can’t stay any longer because I felt it’s an emotional torture. I can’t continue to write very lengthy message explaining my side of the story and how a normal relationship should look like and in return you get a reply like I just got home, I just finished from work etc.
I am my own rescue, I don’t need permission from anyone. There is no better way to take revenge then to let go and move on or get stuck and continue hurting.
You’ve pretty much described a psycho to a T. On a serious note emotional detachment is often something the person is unaware of himself. It’s like genetically coded into some people. But it’s definitely no fun being in a relationship with someone who is aloof and only opens himself up on rare occasions.
These articles about emotionally unavailable men really crack me up. The women are always “confused” and wondering why he won’t change for them [rolls my eyes] …
Why are you even in these relationships? And why do the guys allow you in?
I am a completely emotionally unavailable guy. But I don’t afflict women with my presence. I don’t date, I don’t approach women, I don’t talk to them, and I definitely would never get into a relationship with one. I’m not interested in casual sex, and you won’t be getting any affection from me.
You see, I’m honest. I know I’m not relationship material. So I don’t get into relationships. Yes, it really is that simple. Now please go dump your guy who isn’t giving you what you want; he never will and you can’t change him. And guys – if you don’t want a relationship, then DON’T BE IN ONE! I swear, men and women these are so stupid it’s amazing anyone ever gets together.
Love your comments. Spot on!!
I’m also emotionally unavailable. I haven’t dated for a number of years, haven’t had any sexual relationships for as long as I can remember and don’t really want one. This complicates things immensely. Which reminds me of a funny incident. A group of guys were talking about their first time they had sex. They asked me if I remembered. I said, “the first time? It’s been so long I can’t even remember the last time!” 🙂
To be honest, at times you do wish you had a significant other but these are fleeting feelings, In the long run I’d rather be an outlier and be by myself. So much less complicated. At the gym I have women always talking to me and flirting but I make sure I never cross a certain point. I’m very cordial, very complimentary but have no intention of ever pursuing any of them. After awhile it becomes obvious to them and they start to back off which is exactly what I wanted them to do. Having women show an interest is more than enough, getting involved is more than I want to handle. This is the life of an emotionally unavailable man. If you notice this type of behavior, save yourself a lot of emotional turmoil and get away from men like us. We won’t intentionally hurt you but you will end up being hurt by our inability or purposeful avoidance of truly entering into a full relationship.
Thanks for sharing your first hand insight. I know many guys like you. They are friends and they even try to cock block me when I meet new guys, so in that way, they are a liability even as “a friend” Maybe “activity partners” is a better term to use. And no, I don’t mean anything sexual.
I know they aren’t capable of a relationship with me. How do I know that? In some cases they flat out told me. In others it just became apparent. It’s pretty sad actually. The older ones are lonely and at times have contemplated suicide or attempted it. The only thing that stands in the way of them being available and unavailable is their own pride (and lack of effort), but so it is. 🙂
Hi there, I am just finishing my one year relationship with this kind of guy. I would only add one thing up – they very often avoid making phone calls. I have been with this guy for one year (long-distance relationship but with lots of time together) and we spoke on the phone THREE times. Even though, I met his family and his friends on number of occassions he would never ever post a picture with me on WhatsApp status – come on I have no need to be in the frontline, but…(and believe me there is nothing to be shamed of – in terms of my appearance ;-). What was even more astonishing – believe me or not but throughout the whole year – he never suggested to have the pic taken of both of us. All the pics we have together were always taken at my request and we used to travel a lot – visiting amazing places not only in Europe but also in South America. When we were together the things seemed to be OK, but I always had a sensation that I am never quite close to him. Whenever I asked him about his thoughts, feelings, motives there was ALWAYS the same answer:”I don’t know”. I finally got sick 6 months ago – everything turned out to be fine at the end, but I was quite frightened and had to had a procedure in general anaesthesia – as you imagine – the guy disappeared. Only one or two short messages daily on WhatsApp for 3 weeks. He found himself only when I got to know the final results of tests and that everything was fine. He was so ashamed of himself – said never again….Until last week – when he was at my home and I had some problems at work plus my Mom got sick . He seemed to be perfect – cooking, worrying about my Mom and so on. Until the moment when he went back home – for the following 7 days week forgot to ask about my Mom, my job and even forgot to ask about my flat tyre which I got in the middle of nowhere on the weekend… He also forgot to say “thank you” from his family for gifts that I bought for them in my country…And exactly one week ago – I understood. It dawned on me – that it was a game – of attracting/rejecting game which is never to be won. It is killing a person who is on the other side. A game that wears you out so much that you even do not find satisfaction being with that person in one of the most beautiful sites in the world like Atacama in Chile. And the last thing – promises – there have been the same promises related to our relationship since the first month. None of them have been accomplished. When I asked him 10 days ago if wanted to break up, gain his freedom and so on – I reassured me he loved me very much and wanted to be with me and it seemed to be genuine – I really did not feel any tricks there …I finally wrote it all to him. Without accusations, without blaming, politely, with empathy and sympathy – just explaining the whole game he was playing and I asked him time to think if he was ready to do something about it, like psychotherapy or coaching, to think if he was ready to invest some real energy in us I gave him as much time as he needed and suggested to make a break so he could find out what he needs……Never have I got the reply. Just : “hi, how are you?” on WhatsApp after 5 days….For me the game is over… But yes, it hurts like a hell……..Thank you for the warm message at the end of the article. No, I was not clingy. I was a really great partner – mature, loving and respecting, funny and interesting. It was just not the right addressee…
Wow! Agata! You sound amazing!!! I’d love to be friends with you (I am a woman). He knows he found a winner, but yes he is playing a game. Your comment is so perceptive and well stated. I am glad you figured this out before investing more time/effort in a black hole that drains you. I speak from experience. Having had many birthdays and holidays ruined in this way, feeling sad and more lonely than I ever felt before. Maybe he is trying his best, but his response of basically ignoring it is a very poor sign. Wishing you all the Best, Going Forward. You will find someone who CAN reciprocate to build a beautiful life together.
Thank you for your wisdom…I have made plenty of poor choices over the corse of my 50+ years on this earth. I was raised “old school” respect your elders, clean your plate, school work and chores before play, don’t speak unless spoken to and do unto others as you would have done to you…so being blind to how cruel this world really is I trust everyone until given a reason not to…I have discussed the approach I take with several people, the majority of them say that an individual has to earn trust. I am going to try to implement this into my next relationship since I was forced out of my last one by an emotionally unavailable man. Only problem is I can’t stop loving him, after 18 yrs. with a few breaks here and there he decided not to try anymore, I wasn’t prepared for him to give up on us…we have tons of memories, he is a kind man, I belived 2 things whole heartedly about him 1) he would never hit me 2) that he would never cheat on me. I thought that was enough to keep us together but I was wrong 🙁 at least now I can stop blaming myself and realize the problem was with him and move on with an empty spot in my heart but with my head filled with knowledge.
Having control over one’s emotions is seen as an asset in many ‘male’ circles. It can be at times a useful trait.
Emotional unavailability is something that can happen out of a socialized habit, as a result of trauma, or also by choice.
I hear a lot of women complain about emotional unavailability in men. I sincerely have been asking every woman I can about what that is and what that looks like. Then I asked about these specific men in their lives, who they were, how their relationships went, and how that manifested.
Sometimes emotional unavailability, really, is when a guy just doesn’t really like you. Sometimes a guy hangs in with you because it’s convenient, he’s not unhappy, he doesn’t want to find another girl, and he’s really just hanging in and hoping the relationship gets better.
Some men don’t even realize that this is happening. Some men don’t think they’re in a position to start dating a completely new girl again. Men don’t operate emotionally with their friends as much. Men don’t often confess to other men that the spark in their romance has faded. This would be an embarrassment to themselves. Men in a couple, while they might talk about it less with their friends, would much rather like their peers to assume that things are going great for them in their relationship, in the bedroom and otherwise.
One of the traits that’s listed is ‘sex is a high priority.’ Having an interest in sex and a high sex drive isn’t necessarily a bad quality unless you see that as incompatible with you and what you want. One thing you should ask yourself here is – is this a symptom of the type of man that this person is or could this actually be the cause of the kind of malaise that has steered him to an uninspired, emotionally distant place.
Men are typically highly motivated by sex. If he’s bored in the bedroom, if he feels like he’ll never really get the kind frequency of activity that he’s looking for he might not speak up about this, but if this is happening he’s probably going to engage in a lot of these kind of behaviors.
If you don’t treat your man very well in general, he may very well engage in many of these behaviors either consciously or unconsciously.
So think about that.
Sometimes when men do these kinds of things, they might be doing them simply because they’re just not that into you. Maybe they never were, maybe it turned into this. A relationship works both ways. If you really care about this man, and you’d like him to step it up in the area of emotional availability, I would suggest you do some detective work and see if there’s anything that could help you step it up.
This is honest and difficult to say, but it’s the simplest, most obvious way of approaching any problem, and that’s looking at results but then looking at yourself. Perhaps, there’s something you are doing wrong or something you could do differently. I know that romantic self-help tends to bask in projecting the problems on other ‘deeply flawed’ people. We cannot escape the fact that we are all humans. Perhaps these kind of behaviors could be thought of as more of a cry for help depending on the situation. I encourage you to go out there and help your man because I don’t think he wants to live a disconnected subpar life either.
Gerald,
Very thoughtful post, I completely agree. You make valid points. It just depends on the individuals involved. I think what you are describing is sort of border-line Emotionally Unavailable like garden variety engineers lol! (Sorry for the stereotype but I say it because it’s true in my family). They are busy with work and never really felt super confident with women, so yeah settle quickly and with the wrong person. And it gets worse because it is the wrong person for them or just disrespect over time even for someone they really cared about at one time. You bring up an interesting component of men being emotionally unavailable, cowardice and low self-esteem of men. I’m sorry to take off the gloves, but let’s face it they are walking right into a trap of bad relationship because they are too lazy or scared not too. You are free to respectfully disagree with me, but hear me out. If they just aren’t that into her as you said, it isn’t going to get any better!!! It sounds like what you describe they are just going to take what they can get and put nothing more than required. For a primary lifelong relationship?! That’s messed up. Even though I do know people who have done exactly what you describe and exactly how you described it too. And they aren’t happy. I know this one guy who married this really ingratiating self-absorbed possibly Narcissistic lady, she openly is rude to him and chronically disrespectful. He pays for basically everything, bought them a nice house. He is a sweet guy (smart, awkward, doesn’t view himself as successful with the ladies) and just tries ignore it as much as possible. He developed these weird giant pustules all over his arms. I suspect from the stress. I encouraged him to take care of his health, and he said he was fine “they aren’t malignant.” Just because his lady isn’t actual cancer, it still appears to be taking a major toll on his wellbeing.
I agree with the post above. Sometimes the guy/girl has trauma sometimes its convenience/laziness/just doesn’t care/your easy. Stand up for yourself and if you don’t like the situation fix it or move on! I was in of those one sided relationships since 10/2018, I tried, it didn’t help/ I took a break processed his worth vs mine, now we hook up casually when I say we will
Feels great!
Oh my goodness – that description was my ex-husband exactly ! After 5 years of a one-sided relationship I told him to either shape-up or I would ‘ship out’.
His response was to start an affair.
When I found out I divorced him and he eventually married his affair partner after an on/off relationship of 4 years. Now she’s getting what I got and I can only feel sorry for her.
Me? I got myself into some therapy to find out why I would be attracted to such a guy, took time out from relationships to adjust my viewpoint and moved on.
Many years later I’m now with a great guy.
My mistake was to get involved in the first place with someone who had narcissistic tendencies and I stayed too long trying to fix something that was broken before it began.
I hope others won’t make the same mistakes I did. Life is too short to waste on these sort of people and we all deserve better then these half-hearted relationships.
The sad part is i fell in love with my friends with benefits whom i thought i could change by being more than his friend. That never happened, he is still the same guy who is constantly seeking sex from girls who are not so easy to get. I used to be one of those as well but then after i crossed that friends line that was the only thing that interested him in me. We have put an end to the benefits part but he still occasionally flirts with me in the hope of getting me in bed, and a part of me still misses being intimate with him. But i find it so hard to be his friend and see him act all distant as if he has got nothing to do with me sometimes and at other times he goes back to the guy who finds me attractive. It is just driving me crazy and affecting my life.
Good for you for standing up for yourself and standing for what you want. A lover who is committed to you and loving you. It sounds like you have a connection, but he isn’t manning up to own that. Please date other men and look for someone worthy. He may suddenly man up when he realizes he could lose you. And if not, you will meet another great guy!
It seems like men really got screwed up in the last generation or so. From bossy man-hating female teachers to lack of strong emotional connection to fathers’ (overworked fathers, or single moms, or divorces, or mousy fathers who let the mom boss everyone, probably there is more..) Obviously not all guys are terminally messed up, but it is apparent to me the traditional family structure that existed whenever possible throughout all of time, actually was beneficial to children to develop strong self-esteem and self-worth. I feel sorry not only for the people who get stuck with these people, but also for the people who are these people.
Dear Adam,
I was wondering, all comments mentioned to run away once you meet this type of men or if you happen to be in a relationship with emotionally unavailable men you need to stop seeing him and move on. But then, there are plenty of victims who were/are in a relationship with these type of guys, unconsciously.
If they are that bad, and come in large numbers, the result would be no one will love them, they will keep on being a jerk, and end up alone forever.
Aren’t there any ways to fix them? I mean yes, we, women are not their therapist, but sometimes they themselves didn’t know they have this kind of problems (related to sign #8). And Adam, I thank you for writing about this, but perhaps you can also help to write an article on how to help these men. When it comes to love, leaving your loved ones who needs your help isn’t always the best and the smartest way to do. If we know how to help him to fix that at least we can say that “I did my best but it’s not working” rather than just saying “I’m tired and don’t know what to do”.
I was in this relationship once and he dumped me. I wasn’t prepare because it was so sudden. I just got back from visiting him and yes we talked much about us and I did push him a little bit to be more serious with this relationship (I was in an long distance relationship for 4.5 months with him, I visited him three times) The bad side is that he is having a financial problems and was not in his right mind to make a decision. He blocked me out of his world (phone, whatsapp and on facebook as well) I couldn’t reach him out, he’s just disappeared from my life. I just wish, If only I knew that he is emotionally unavailable, I would’ve tried my best to fix him, instead of nonstop nagging why he can’t fulfill my needs.
” While yes, it’s now more acceptable for men to be emotional or vulnerable, today’s man may not have been raised that way. He may have been taught to stop crying and be a man, or encouraged to toughen up by his father. He may have experienced trauma that he bottled up over a lifetime, which can make being vulnerable again a challenge.” –> I mostly noticed this in. Others than that, he is very well mannered, never yell or scream at me, always gentle and loving.
I still want to try my best to fix him, and if I failed, I walk away and move on without regrets.
Reality check: he has already walked away. It sounds like he didn’t want to be your project or field your nagging. Get yourself a life, you will be much happier.
I just broke up with a guy who was emotionally unavailable. He used to blame me for expecting more and that I live in a fairy land when all I asked is if there’s a possibility of us ending up together after 2 years of relationship. He constantly avoided sorting out the problems in person by saying he doesn’t have any problems. He gave reasons whenever I asked to go on a trip. And he is a perfection seeker and spends most of his time studying.
This article is helping me a lot to understand what for the last 6 months I was not able to.
I met this guy at my university. He approached me and he started flirting and asking me out, while I was not even considering a new relationship. He showed himself as a cool, open-minded, full-of-initiative guy, always asking me to do things together. So I fell for him. I started making more and more time for us, putting effort and investing energy into this relationship. I opened up to him. I am a really patient person so I was never asking for more, I was waiting for things to move forward, for him to make “steps”, waiting for the relationship to evolve. After 4 month, nothing had changed. We used to see each other once or twice a week but there was never a conversation about “are we serious in this?” and he was always casually saying things like ” I don’ like dramas”, ” all my friends have always dramatic break-up”, and so on. This pulled away even more the idea of me talking about “US”. Till one day when he somehow proposed to play a game, a list of 60 questions about each other, which surprised me a lot so I took the chance to talk to him and to bring the topic up. So we decided to be exclusive…and he even told me that he wanted to see me more often! Since then, for the following 2 months, nothing actually improved but it only went worse. We live in the same small city, and we would see each other less rather than more (usually only one day during the weekend, and not even the full day). Often I know he lied to me about plans he did not actually have or that he actually bailed on (and went home sleeping instead) but that he used as excuses to leave at one point of the day/night. (apparently this kind of behavior he has it with his friends too). He never treated me as a girlfriend in public, although he never denied being with me when people where asking. He would return my text after days, and often make plans with me for the weekend just one day earlier, putting the minimum effort in deciding what to do (e.g. ” breakfast tomorrow ? you pick the place ).
When I was asking to do something, he often was too busy (not sure doing what since he is seeing his friends either), or if he had other plans he would just not reply to my text and then justify why and what he was doing instead, and never suggested an alternative. At one point seeing each other started feeling like we were going on a “first date”over and over but of course at one point having always the same “first date small talks” become weird and boring even for me that I was always questioning myself, and trying to show myself more funny, more interested, more proactive while he was always being lazy, not proposing anything anymore, tired and almost bored. I would get upset every time he would not reply to me for days, I was not able to make my weekend plans anymore till I knew when I was seeing him (and this means that often had to wait till the last minute to tell my friend whether I was free or not). This relationship drained my energy and I was never able to brings the topic up because I was so afraid of pushing him away. When I tried to investigate more about his past relationship I found out that he was never in relationship longer than 2-3 months. why ? “cause people would leave, or I would move country” easy breaks-up. never drama. never big discussions.
I did not see him for a month and last week I just thought that was it. I just could not do this anymore. It was making me feel sad, insecure, upset all the time. So I decided to end it and I wrote him a message telling him how I was feeling and that to me relationship means something different and that this was turning into a “drama” in my life. What did he say ? He just replied with 3 words, saying that he understood and he would see me around uni.” How can you be so emotionless after 7 months ? Not that I really feel we have been dating for 7 months, given how little time we spent together.
I’ ve been asking my self what I did wrong and what should I have done that I did not do.
I have no answer for that and it’s really frustrating even now that it’s over.
Morgan, you didn’t do anything wrong. Other than putting him above your own happiness, and valuable time with your friends. You should make plans for your weekend and if he shows up late and a dollar short, tell him you already had plans. But yea, he clearly has an EU steak going. The not texting for days in an exclusive relationship, I only wish you would have dumped him sooner and not spent so much time on him. I have made the same mistakes, caring sweet women always do.. when they are dealing with with players of EU guy who are often like a lame players. It’s sad. I am sorry it took you off your independent high and brought you down. Moving forward, it is a valuable lesson, not to invest in guys until they show ongoing dedication that they are worthy of your love and affection. It sounds like you built him up and he tore you down. I am so sorry!!!! It gets better though. And value your friends more now.
I am a little confused about a relationship I have been in for the past 1 1/2 years. I am 56, he is 62. We hit it off great and spent hours talking getting to know one another. It was nice to finally meet someone with my same values in life. He told me that ultimately he was looking for a life partner and in the long-run I am too but I am not going to jump into anything. We were seeing each other 3 days a week and then he switched jobs and when he did he went to working night shift and monitored with cameras at work, cell phone use not allowed. We also no longer have same days off. We both work long hours. Our communication has been halted, we see each other little. I broke things off with him just after the holidays because it was no longer feeling like a relationship. He wanted to get back together and I see him trying but it is hard. He is always tired, his time is limited. He needs time to get his other stuff done and I am feeling very alone in my time to myself. I am going to have a schedule change myself in about 6 weeks which will give us one day same day off. I don’t want to push but I really feel we need this time together or what is the sense in keeping this going.
Wow, this article arrived like magic at a time where I’ve needed to call it with a guy ive been seeing for the past 4 months. Again, the kind of dynamic where you start to question yourself and your own sanity. Where everything else in their universe takes priority over you and you are left chasing plans. Interestingly enough, they also dont ignore or leave you alone. Ghosting might have been a clearer sign even. All I know right now is that I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL to have read this post and the comments. Even more so that I can put an end to this now, before I catch more feelings.
Carmen, You put it perfectly!
My husband is emotionally unavailable. His family is beyond toxic and are extreme narcissists. I don’t think my husband is a narcissist. But he is very self absorbed in many ways. He has never been allowed growing up to share his feelings. Both of his parents are incredibly selfish. His parents present this perfect front to people and have money. Being married to a man who never shows emotion or laughs is hell. On top of that, my husband can’t talk about deeply emotionally things. Especially his parents. I have confronted him over and over about his toxic family and he will tell me it’s all in my head. We have two young kids and he is a good provider. He loves his kids. I am not in a position to divorce. I feel like I signed up for this and I can’t run away because isn’t marriage supposed to be about sticking it out. There are times I can tell he is trying to break through and share himself to me. Other times he retreats back into his world of hobbies and shuts me out. I mistook my husband’s emotionally unavailable way as a strong man. I thought this guy has it together. My first boyfriend was an emotional wreck who cried a lot and was an alcoholic. I think we are all flawed as people. Unfortunately it is very lonely and suffocating being with a man who is like a robot.
I’m an aspy (EUF) woman, and it takes a long time for me to connect emotionally, which is either seen as being cold or “teasing”. I’m up front with the issue, but the men I meet seem to only want what they want now (date 3). I work hard on connecting, and sometimes get taken advantage of by being blamed. Into a relationship . Should I continue or to look for love through friendship
Wow!! all of this is so true!!! this was a great time to have read this , everything I read this guy was the exact way!!! so glad I got rid of him.
I agreed, I did get involved recently with an emotionally uninvolved man. I love him and know he fits all the criteria. I ended it due to this revelation. I am confident in my decision yet if course would have liked to “fix” him. I won’t though. I am moving on.
Shocking. This is my male BFF to a tee! He and I have had an off and on affair for 12 years now. Because of child hood trauma he is very secretive and “shut down” at times. I have seen him open up and he does trust me. He never used to be an introvert , but things have changed since he moved 2 hours away. He hardly texts, refuses to answer questions about us meeting up, and if he does come back to town for a night to see his guy friends he doesn’t tell me. But, he has declared he loves me, and hates living where he does. He’s in a horrible relationship and is trying to find employment near me. He asked if he could even rent from me. Is this just future faking and all in his head? It sounds like he missed the deadline for the first job but another one he wants will be available in August. I don’t see him trying that hard to get out from his situation. I have offered nothing but support, boosted his ego, and he has thanked me for trusting him. I’m exhausted. Do I back off and give him space or call him out on the fact that he isn’t showing me the love he says he has for me? I can’t rven get him to answer a phone call now 🙁 I feel like he’s scared to get close to me because he does care for me but doesn’t want help.
My best friend and I hooked up a couple of years ago while he was home on break. We have known each other for many years and he has not been happy with his GF. They have a home together and he has said how he regrets moving in with her. I have met her and she truly is cold and mean. Anyways the night I saw him he has been drinking – he always admits to things and opens up when he drinks. Well he got emotional saying how he misses my parents and he’s so sorry if he upset them in any way because he has a social disorder. A what? He had asked my father to help him with some mechanical projects but he was sick and literally couldn’t do it. He actually ended up with cancer, had knee surgery, then a stroke. This guy of mine vanished during all of that. I called him the day I heard my father had a stroke and he wouldn’t answer the phone. He sent me one text saying he had been thinking of him recently and he was sorry. He never talks on the phone anymore with me yet he just told me how he truly has always loved me. He wants to meet me and see me but whenever I suggest a day, he vanishes and won’t answer the text. Why!?! Whyyyy. He wants to see me . It makes me so mad . I helped him through so many issues in his life over the years , and honestly he didn’t help me a few times but lately , since he moved , he’s been distant. According to him he’s going to just live with me and find a job close by. Really? I told him to call me and discuss that, and he never did. He always says he will call me soon and tell me so much. That never happens . Is he just leading me on and holding me in place if he does move back ? My mind and heart are so exhausted and crushed because he really seemed like an amazing man and I do love him. I am starving for what he used to be even a couple of years ago though. :(((
Most here really need to read between the lines. All the stories are identical in most respects. You’re not going to alter an unavailable man’s nature, you’re not going to change or reform him and if you ask too many questions about his lack of genuine emotion, put pressure on him to explain or commit or cause any actions he perceives as problems he will have to address, he will disappear. You probably won’t fully understand this and will end up hurt by it. For him, he couldn’t care less because he doesn’t really want to be fully involved. The bottom line is as soon as you realize he may be there but really he’s a million miles away, don’t get involved.
This doesn’t just apply to monogamous relationships. I’ve been attracted to and in relationships with men who are loving and emotionally available, and those who are emotionally reserved and distant as is the case now in which one partner reciprocates fully and the other one keeps me at arms length. At some point, which for me is today, I have to love myself more than the partner who can’t reciprocate and let him go. It’s definitely painful, but so is knowing that no matter how much effort I put in to it, he isn’t going to or even able to put forth the same effort.
Oh my word, yes! All of my relationships have been with emotional unavailable men, more or less. Im so happy Ive finally reached a point where I no longer accept this behaviour. So I met this guy very recently, and it only took me 3 dates to figure out just how wounded and unavailable he is. This article just confirms it so well. Thanks!
I’m not sure “wounded” is a good term. Everybody is different and unavailable men are what they are. It’s their personality, it’s simply not a type of personality that you feel is acceptable. As with anything else, if you view it as substandard such as a restaurant with poor service or poor food quality, a vehicle which doesn’t meet your needs or causes you issues, the list could go on and on, simply don’t patronize, use or buy it anymore and don’t waste time trying to fix it what you can’t fix. It seems very simple to me, the moment you realize a man is emotionally unavailable, don’t try to figure him out, don’t try to “fix him,” he is broken only by your thoughts and standards and nothing you do or say will change him. We don’t share your same needs and don’t have the ability or desire to enter in to or sustain a full loving relationship. It’s just our nature and how we are. Some years ago they referred to us as “loners” and now we are emotionally unavailable. I liked the term “loner” better, it seems somewhat less negative. I have emotions but don’t view the give and take and full open exchange of true emotions or concern women expect in a good solid loving and open relationship as being even remotely important. It’s like buying a puzzle with some pieces missing. Those pieces just aren’t there.
This is such a good read. So I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for about 5 years and back then he was a real gentleman would listen to me when we talked and he was the nicest guy ever but recently he’s been busy with work alot and we can barely have conversations without him drifting off thinking about ‘work ‘. I tried to talk about how much he’s changed but he never admits that he’s emotionally unavailable almost like the man I fell in love with years ago and the man I am with now are two different guys. And also I want to get married and have kids he’s reason back then was that he wanted to make more money but now we’re comfortable he’s putting it off saying that he wants “to enjoy the relationship “……. I love him but I don’t know what to do.
45 years with one. Now in retirement the day to day silence and avoidance drives me out of the house. Im financially stuck or I would leave him. All the signs were there in date phase but coming from a home where my parents were emotionally unavailable I saw nothing wrong. Having never been loved I didnot know what it should feel like.
My situation is I’ve been married to a man (that was emotionally unavailable) for 20 years but didn’t realize just how bad it was. He left me two months ago after finding out he had an affair . I was unfaithful in the beginning of our marriage but was just plain selfish and admitted this to him after finding out about his infidelity. He told me our marriage was a lie and he hasn’t loved me for years. He is staying with family for now but left me in this limbo state and only texts me 2-3x/week about random topics and avoids talking about us completely. I didn’t realize how much he avoids until now. Any advice would be so appreciated. This limbo state is killing me. I don’t want a divorce.