Have you ever started seeing a guy and felt like he didn’t want to sleep with you?
Maybe you worried it was because…
…he didn’t find you attractive…
…or you were doing something wrong…
And it probably killed your confidence.
Normally, you feel like you’re a pretty confident lady, but guys like that…well…many women would wonder what was wrong with them.
Let me just say something, and I want you to hear me: it’s likely that there’s nothing wrong with you. If he doesn’t want to sleep with you, it’s more likely about him and his own issues. Still, understanding the reasons why can help you better understand a man…and figure out if he’s worth your time.
If He Doesn’t Want to Sleep With You, Pay Attention
Even if you’re not the reason he doesn’t want to sleep with you, you shouldn’t sweep this fact under the rug. It may, in fact, be a sign of a bigger issue and one that will affect your relationship going forward. It might be something that will change, like him being stressed at work or having issues with his family. It might be indicative of the fact that he in no way wants a relationship.
Are you really paying attention to the signals he’s giving you? They can be valuable pieces of information, if only you listen.
10 Reasons Why He Doesn’t Want to Sleep With You
Here are a few reasons he might be keeping you at a distance.
1. He Feels You Getting Attached
To you, sex equals emotional attachment. It’s more common for women to feel this way than men because women have an abundance of oxytocin, a love drug that floods your brain after sex. You might be falling for a guy more and more when you sleep together…and he probably senses that.
If he pulls back from having sex after you’ve already been intimate, consider what this tells you: he’s worried about an imbalance in feelings between you. If he sees you giving him googly eyes in your post-coital bliss and he doesn’t feel the same, he figures the quickest way to slow those feelings of yours is to stop sleeping with you.
What to do: If you are in fact catching feelings and he pulls back from sleeping with you, ask yourself where this situation could go. Sure, he could start having stronger feelings for you, but he might not. You may want to cut things off before your feelings grow stronger and you get really hurt.
2. He’s Sleeping With Other Women
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: you’re not in a committed relationship until you’ve had a conversation about it and agreed to be exclusive. Just because you’re sleeping together doesn’t mean you’re the only woman he’s sleeping with or going out with. You may want that to be the case, but if he doesn’t want to sleep with you, you can’t rule out the possibility that you’re just one filly in his stable.
What to do: Bring it up. You have a right to know if the person you’re intimate with is sleeping with other women. Now’s the time to lay out what you’re looking for. Better yet, with the next guy, have that conversation before you sleep together.
3. He’s Having Difficulties in That Department
You’d be surprised how many men simply struggle with their libidos, especially later in life: 5% of 40-year-old men have erectile dysfunction, and that number rises the older they are. There are other issues like low testosterone or just simply fluctuating sex drive that may impact what happens (or doesn’t) in the bedroom.
What to do: Tread carefully. Men are extremely sensitive about their ability to perform, so you don’t want to make him feel worse by sharing frustration or anger about the situation. Gently try to get him to talk about it. There may be medical treatments he can seek. Otherwise, just be there for him, no pressure.
4. He’s Stressed
I’m sure you’ve been so stressed before that it impacted your desire to get frisky, right? It’s totally normal and usually temporary. But don’t underestimate how much him being in his own head can impact his desire. Talkspace provider Rachel O’Neill, Ph.D., LPCC-S, says:
“When you’re stressed, you may feel physically unwell. You may not feel much responsive or spontaneous desire for sex. It’s also possible that you may simply feel like sex is one more thing that you need to add to your to-do list. All of these things can contribute to a general feeling of overall unsexiness and disinterest in sexual activity.”
What to do: Don’t pressure him for sex. Now isn’t the time to worry about yourself. Be there for him.
5. He’s Hiding Something
Whether he’s got a great poker face or not, how he acts around you can be telling if something is up. Sex is an intimate experience, so if he’s avoiding it, it may be because he worries you’ll know something is wrong. He may not be ready to talk about it. It may not even be anything terrible; he may just need time to process it on his own before having a conversation with you about it.
What to do: Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do. Demanding he tell you what’s going on isn’t going to get you the result you want. All you can do is wait it out.
6. He’s Fallen Out of Love With You
I certainly hope this isn’t the case, but you can’t rule it out if these other reasons he doesn’t want to sleep with you aren’t making sense.
Consider what your relationship has looked like over the past few months. Would you consider the two of you as being happy together most of the time? Do you still spend time together, laughing and having fun? Or…have things become strained? Do you avoid one another or argue a lot?
If he’s fallen out of love with you, the signs have probably been there for a while, I’m sorry to say.
What to do: Decide what you want. Do you want to work on things to see if you can get back on track? Or do you, deep down, know it’s over? Knowing what you want, have a conversation with him. It’s going to be a tough one, but trust me: whatever happens was meant to.
7. He’s Insecure About His Body
You think women are the only ones who obsess about how they look naked? No way. Men can be just as insecure. In fact, they’re slightly more insecure: 80.7% of men (compared to 75% of women) obsess over what they see as body flaws. And it’s only made worse by all the six-pack abs on Instagram.
Whether you recently started dating a man and he’s nervous about letting you see his hairy back or you’ve been with this guy forever and he’s feeling bad about the 15 pounds he’s put on, a man’s self-image absolutely can impact your sex life.
What to do: Reassure him. Let him know you don’t care what he looks like as much as you care how he treats you. A deep relationship isn’t superficial anyway, but know that it may take him a while to let go of those insecurities.
8. He Needs More Emotional Connection
Women aren’t the only ones who seek an emotional connection in a relationship. For some people, sex provides that connection, but for others, they need it from other avenues. He might need to spend some time having quiet talk and cuddling before he gets into the mood, whereas maybe you just want to throw him on the bed and get busy.
What to do: Respect his needs (if you want to get some!). You don’t have to have moonlight and violins every time you have sex, but if it helps him get in the mood, be willing to modify your foreplay to arouse him emotionally first.
9. He’s Not Ready for a Relationship
This goes back to that imbalance of feelings. If a man feels like you equate sex with a relationship and he’s not interested in one, he may pull away from having sex. Maybe he started out dating you looking for something casual, but now he realizes you are not that kind of girl, so he’s distancing himself from you.
What to do: Let him distance himself. You can’t deny that you want something more meaningful with a guy, and if he doesn’t want to sleep with you because of that, he’s not for you. Free yourself to find a man who knows that lovemaking is an intimate and necessary part of a healthy relationship.
10. He’s Using it as a Power Play
It’s so childish, I know, but some men use sex as a tool to get what they want. Maybe he wants you to do “that thing” in the bedroom but you’re not comfortable with it, so he revokes sex completely. WTF?
What to do: This is not the man for you. Any man who tries to control you by not having sex with you is not stable or looking for an equal partnership the way you are. Set him free, my dear.
As you can see, there are many reasons that could explain why he doesn’t want to sleep with you. They’re not all dramatic relationship-killers. But they are helpful in that they will either help you filter out the dudes who aren’t in line with what you’re looking for in a partner or in that they help you better understand your boyfriend’s needs. This is your opportunity to be a good partner. Just remember not to make it about you. Just because he isn’t as interested in sex right now doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to you. Be patient.
It can feel awful when a man pulls away from you, especially if you don’t know why. That’s why I designed this special webinar, Why Men Pull Away, so that you can discover the three biggest mistakes that cause men to withdraw.