Vanessa: How are things going with Steve?
You: Oh, I don’t know. He says he loves me…but won’t commit. I don’t know what to do!
Does this sound like a conversation you’ve had with a friend recently about the man in your life? You believe that he loves you, that he’s serious about moving forward with you, and yet he refuses to actually take the next step in committing to you, whether that’s calling himself your boyfriend, moving in together, or even getting married.
It’s good to take your time in a relationship, but you’re getting so frustrated, worried that you’ve invested all this energy into this man, only to be hurt in the end.
I get it. You’re far from the only woman in the world who has told me, Adam, he loves me but won’t commit. What can I do?
That’s why I created this video and this article: to help you decipher the situation, get to the bottom of why he won’t commit and find some resolution.
Your time is valuable, sexy lady. You don’t need to waste time on the wrong guy. That being said, there are sometimes legit reasons why a guy is hesitant to commit, so don’t automatically assume all is lost if he hasn’t put a ring on it just yet.
Enough chitchat. Let’s take a look at what to do when he won’t commit to a relationship.
PS. While this article will give you some insight into why he won’t commit, my free webinar takes it even further and helps you get what you want: a man who will commit! The best part? It’s totally free…for a limited time. Get Casual to Committed now!
The biggest frustration I hear from women who have been divorced or who otherwise are back in the dating game after a brief hiatus is that the dating landscape looks a hell of a lot different than it did when they were in their 20s.
Times have changed, and a lot of women make the mistake of thinking that the old dating rules apply to the 21st century dating scene today.
Nowadays, people — both men and women — are waiting longer and longer to not only settle down or move in together but also to get married and have kids, which can make for an awkward, non-relationship relationship status. It’s messy.
In 2016, we reached the highest median age for a first marriage: 29.5 years for men and 27.4 years for women. Just a few decades ago, people were getting married just out of high school or college. So in general, we’re seeing a delay in people, particularly men, settling down.
Why is that?
Some of it’s financial. People want to be financially secure before they tie the knot. Also, the incidence of couples cohabitating has impacted the number of couples who get married (or don’t). The number of couples who live together has increased 29% since 2007.
But all those numbers aside, this guy won’t commit to you, and you’re struggling to understand why.
Maybe you have a late night booty call and you’ve suddenly realized that you actually like that guy and want more. Or maybe you’re in a full-on relationship with a guy but neither of you will call it a relationship, or even worse, you both love each other clearly and neither will admit it because you’re both afraid of being vulnerable.
Whatever the situation that has led you to say, he loves me but won’t commit, I want to give you a little advice to help you navigate your concerns.
What to Do When He Won’t Commit to a Relationship Tip #1: Don’t Internalize It
If you’re finding that you’re with a man and it’s clear that you have a great connection and amazing chemistry but he’s clearly not interested in that long-term commitment, you need to realize that it doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s a flaw with you.
Actually, let me say that again: there’s nothing wrong with you.
You don’t know what’s going on in his life that is impacting his decision not to commit to a relationship right now. He may still be healing from a past relationship, and there’s little you can do to make him whole, healed, and ready to commit to you.
He may have started with the intention to date you casually, and now is processing what to do since he’s started to fall for you (and that wasn’t his intention).
This probably won’t help, but the fact is: men can be in love with a woman but not be willing to commit to them. It’s frustrating, but let me say it again: it’s got nothing to do with you.
That being said, you don’t have to settle for this non-committal man. You can find a great man who is willing to commit to you, who will be great for you, and who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I can’t stress this enough.
What to Do When He Won’t Commit to a Relationship Tip #2: Get Real With How You’re Feeling
If you started dating someone casually and then started to get feelings for that person, it is okay. It’s normal for feelings to change. You’re not a robot who can sleep with someone and spend time with him and not want something more.
I ask that rather than you repressing those feelings, get real with them instead.
You have perfectly valid feelings about this. But do you worry about his commitment issues and then say nothing to your man, or worse, tell him that you’re fine with the way things are?
Don’t do that.
You have to be honest with yourself about your true feelings on the subject. You may not be able to change his mind about commitment, but you need to determine what priority commitment takes for you.
Are you willing to wait a few months or years until he comes around?
Are you willing to modify what commitment means to you? For example, if he says he never wants to get married and you do, can you be okay just living together as a way of committing to one another long-term?
Give it time to process your feelings. If it’s early in your relationship, it may be too soon to bring it up. Realize that he may move slower than you in determining that he’s falling in love with you or other signs of commitment, so give him space to work through his own feelings.
What to Do When He Won’t Commit to a Relationship Tip #3: Talk to Him About What’s Going On
When you’re in this kind of non-relationship relationship and both of you start to get feelings for each other, I think it can be easy for both of you to tiptoe around the elephant in the room. It takes a lot of courage to tell him how you feel and that you want more.
Be fair: if you haven’t discussed the fact that you believe he loves you but won’t commit, how can you expect the situation to improve?
He’s not a mind reader.
And the truth is, he may well be aware of how you feel, but doesn’t want to bring it up. Because, you know, some men don’t like talking about their feelings. Especially if the likelihood that he’s going to make you cry is high.
But still, your feelings are valid (see #2), so you need to bring it up. But don’t talk about it when emotions are high, like in the middle of an argument about something else.
You: You didn’t take out the trash! I told you to take out the trash yesterday!
Him: Sorry about that. I forgot.
You: And by the way, I’m sick and tired of waiting for you to ask me to marry you!
Him: Uh. Whaaa?
The best way to approach this sticky topic is to plan out in advance what you want to say. You want him to know how you feel, and how him committing to you by [insert action here: moving in together, giving you a shelf at his place, getting married] would reassure you that you’re solid as a couple.
Ask why it is that he’s been slow to move and why he won’t commit. As best you can, try to not make it come out as accusatory, but rather inquisitive. You want to understand how he feels about commitment in general, which may involve diving into his past relationships, or even his parents’.
If his parents were divorced when he was young, he may have trouble getting emotionally intimate with you, says the Graduate Journal of Counseling Psychology at Marquette University. And according to research by Glen & Shelton, men whose parents divorced have a 35% higher rate of divorce themselves, which may make him reluctant to go down that path.
Still, you don’t know his reasons for why he won’t commit until you discuss it. You may find that having a dialogue about commitment actually solves the problem. Maybe he didn’t realize how important it was to you, and now that he does, he’s ready to give you what you want.
What to Do When He Won’t Commit to a Relationship Tip #4: Be Willing To Walk Away
I am such a firm believer that you are the greatest protector of your own heart. I know it sounds cheesy, but you need to be the type of person who doesn’t put her heart in situations where it can get hurt.
If you find yourself getting feelings for someone who will never be able to return those feelings or commit the way you want him to, you need to be willing to walk away.
If he’s given you every indication that he won’t commit, even after you expressed your need for commitment, realize:
He’s not going to change his mind.
You can’t change him.
You shouldn’t settle.
It may feel like this guy is truly what you want and need, but if he’s unwilling to bend or compromise one iota, trust me: he’s not for you. You deserve the moon, and you can have it. He is not the moon.
Yes, you’ve invested time in this man. Maybe you’ve even invested years in this non-relationship relationship. But if you keep saying he loves me but won’t commit and nothing’s changing, it’s time to let it go. Move on. Find better.
And he may fight to keep you. After all, he’s been getting what he wants all this time. If you leave, that changes. He may tell you what you want to hear, but ask yourself: do you want to be with a man who only decides to commit to you once he’s afraid of losing you? He had his chance to do right by you, and now that opportunity has passed.
My mission on Sexy Confidence is to show you that you absolutely can have the love life you want and deserve. If you’re settling for a man who won’t commit, realize that you are selling yourself short. You will not be happy in the long run.
Sure, you might be able to fake it for a few months or years, but when your unhappiness catches up to you, you’ll be sad that you wasted more time trying to pretend that you were okay with the limits he set on your relationship. If you want a man who will gladly call you his girlfriend, then you will find one. If you want a man who will move in with you, he’ll come along. If you want a man who will get on one knee and beg you to spend the rest of your life with him, I assure you: he’s out there.
You just have to be patient. And you have to free yourself from this man, the one who says he loves you but won’t commit.
Because he’s not that guy. He’s just one man on your journey to real and everlasting love. Close the chapter on this one and move forward.
I’d love to hear from you! Have you ever been in this type of a situation, the non-relationship relationship? I’d love to hear your story below or just say yes, I’m struggling with this as well.
And if you’re ready for more help in finding a man who will commit to you, I encourage you to check out my free Casual to Committed webinar.