You’re freaking out. You had sex with the guy you’ve been dating…but he pulled away after you slept together. You thought things were good, but was he just looking for a hookup?!
You’re wondering if you read his signs all wrong…and whether you can even read men at all!
Before you start spiraling, keep reading. Sure, he may just have been looking for something casual, but that might not be the case. There are several reasons why it could be that he pulled away after you slept together. You may never know the reason why. What’s important is what you do next.
What to Do if He Pulled Away After You Slept Together
You may want to ask him WTF if he distances himself after you finally decide to have sex with him, but realize that doing so will definitely push him away. Just because he’s acting weird doesn’t mean that all is lost, but until you have more information, you need to put yourself first. Here’s what to do.
1. Don’t Put Him on a Pedestal
Yes, you saw potential with this guy, but until you have a commitment, you should keep dating other men.
I don’t care how great the sex was: don’t put him on a pedestal. Remember, there are other men on the planet. You might really really want things to work out with this man, but by putting all your focus on him, you give him all the power. Take it back by going on with your life, seeing other men, and putting less energy into worrying what he wants.
2. Don’t Chase Him
Let him come to you. I know how hard this is for a Sexy, Confident woman like you. You’re take-charge in all aspects of your life, so the idea of waiting around for a man to chase you feels…well…archaic. Here’s a great quote from the eHarmony blog:
“When you chase a man, you don’t give him the chance to show you how he really feels about you. And my experience has shown that the only way to really be sure of where his heart is at is by creating the space he needs to pursue you.”
Sex is a big deal, especially if he is looking for something more serious. So give him time to sort through how he feels about you, and then if he wants you, he’ll pursue you. I promise.
And if he doesn’t…you need to realize that it’s not a reflection on YOUR personality. You are not flawed. He just wants something different than you do.
3. Don’t Assume He Just Wanted to Hook Up
If you don’t hear from him for a day or two after you have sex for the first time, don’t write him off as an a$$hole. His feelings might be freaking him out. Give it time.
If every sign told you that he, like you, was looking for something of significance, you were probably right. But sex has a funny way of amplifying emotions: research has shown that physical attraction can lead to emotional attraction, so if you had sex after just a few dates, he may be surprised at feeling something so soon for you, and so he pulled away after you had sex.
That doesn’t mean you won’t end up in a relationship. It doesn’t mean you will. But it would do you good as well to have some distance from the physical act to really ask yourself whether you like him for who he is, or whether your brain is on a serotonin high post-sex.
4. Don’t Have the DTR Conversation Right After Having Sex
The DTR—that’s “define the relationship”—conversation is a tricky one because, done the wrong way, it can blow things up.
Having it right after having sex for the first time is definitely the wrong time.
You may be basking in a warm post-coital glow and only want to make things better by having him tell you how much he adores you and wants to be your boyfriend.
Only…he’s trying to figure out how long he has to cuddle with you before he jets out the door.
You’re vulnerable after having sex, and for that reason, don’t push him to answer the “what are we” question. Let things unfold. Enjoy your time together. Before long it will be apparent whether the two of you are on the same page or not.
Bringing it up too soon will freak him out. Moreover, it’ll put too much pressure on the situation before he’s had time to emotionally connect with you. Just because you’ve connected sexually doesn’t mean you’ve connected emotionally. DTR conversations should only happen after you’ve both had the chance to develop an emotional connection.
5. Don’t Assume Sex = A Relationship
If you don’t have a conversation about what you both want before you have sex, you can’t assume that he’s as keen on being in a relationship as you are after you have sex. You may feel like you’re a couple because you’ve been intimate…but he may be on to the next woman tomorrow night. You can’t take it for granted that he’s not.
If you started treating things like you were a couple post-sex, that could be why he pulled away after you slept together.
If you’re not comfortable asking him what he’s looking for in terms of a relationship or something casual, it’s probably too soon to get intimate with him! The conversation will come up naturally as you get to know one another, and by then, you will trust him enough to open up sexually.
6. Don’t Try to Lure Him Back with More Sex
If he’s ignoring your texts and has been noncommittal about making plans, don’t make the mistake of getting his attention by offering more sex. Because, I promise you, he will take you up on the offer. But it won’t get you any closer to what you want.
Using sex as a weapon or tool is never a good idea. You may feel like you have power in the moment, but what happens when he ghosts you again and you’re left feeling empty and alone? If you act like the high-value woman that you are, you’ll hold out for a man who wants both sex and a relationship with you.
Sex, as fun as it is, can really muddy the waters when it comes to dating and relationships. If you’re someone who ties physical and emotional intimacy together, it will be harder on you if he pulls away after you’ve slept together.
My advice? Try to wait longer before jumping into bed next time. Dating a man longer (my rule of thumb is to spend at least 10 hours together in person) gives you both time to get to know one another and to determine whether you’re a good fit. Having sex too soon can speed up your feelings, or worse, create feelings you wouldn’t have if you weren’t sleeping together.
You’re looking for love, and that will take time. Sex will be a part of it, but don’t rush it.
And if a man has disappeared after you slept with him, good riddance! He wasn’t the right man for you anyway.