I know I talk a lot about the importance of being confident when you’re out there dating, but I realize that not every woman feels confident naturally. That’s why I wanted to give you some tips on how to be more confident around guys to help you step up your dating game.
It’s amazing the difference in reaction you’ll get from men when you start acting a little more sassy and self-assured. There is, in fact, nothing sexier to a man than a confident woman!
“But Adam, I’ve never been very confident around guys, and my dating experience has made me less so!”
Not to worry. I’m going to show you tiny attitude adjustments you can make to help you learn how to be more confident around guys.
First, Assess Your Self-Confidence
Before we start on this journey of how to be more confident around guys, let’s find out where you are right now.
What’s your overall perception of yourself?
Do you think…
…I’m beautiful, sexy, and intelligent?
…My nose is crooked. I snort when I laugh. I’m uncomfortable around men?
A note: we all have a degree of self-degradation…even those of us who are uber-confident. So that’s normal. But if you never see the good in yourself, that gives me something to work with in teaching you how to be more confident around guys.
Here are some questions to ask yourself to assess your self-confidence:
- Am I afraid to take risks?
- Do I keep my opinions to myself out of fear of being judged?
- Do I worry about what people think of me?
- Do I assume an attractive man won’t be interested in me?
Whether you have a teeny bit of confidence or just need a little more consistency in feeling confident when dating, you have to be willing to make changes to see results. None of these things require a ton of effort, but you’ll need to do them consistently.
Now let’s look into tips on how to be more confident around guys:
- Be yourself.
- Take care of yourself.
- Practice your conversation skills.
- Listen and pay attention.
- Dress in clothes you feel good in.
- Show off your expertise.
- Pre-game your date like an athlete.
- Get your flirt on.
- Change your inner dialogue.
- Channel your inner Queen Bey.
- Sport your favorite fragrance.
- Don’t let past setbacks affect your future.
- List what’s great about you.
- Get out of your comfort zone.
Tip 1: Be Yourself
Okay, I deliberately put what may be the most challenging tip on how to be more confident around guys first. You’ll thank me later!
Why is being yourself so hard for so many people (and believe me: it’s more common than you’d think)?
So many people care what others think. You might be that way. You worry that if you break out in your best ’90s dance moves on the floor, other dancers will say oh. mah. god. Becky. Look at her dance.
In reality, they’re probably impressed that you let yourself go with such abandon and wish they could do what they wanted without worrying about what people think.
You see the vicious circle here? We’re all so worried about what others think…and yet we admire when people truly are themselves, that we’re missing out on a lot of happiness.
When it comes to dating, being yourself is the best way to find compatibility.
Think about it: when you’ve gone on dates where you were a more edited version of yourself, how did it go?
The date might have been good, but did you feel good about how you portrayed yourself?
Let’s say it worked out and you became exclusive. At what point did you start to let your hair down and be yourself? Was he surprised at how different you were from that first date?
Being yourself around men tells them, take me or leave me. You don’t want to be with a man who likes the image of you that you’re putting out there…you want a guy who likes you for you.
Tip 2: Take Care of Yourself
Whatever “take care of yourself” means to you, do it. That might mean getting regular massages. Working out. Getting your nails done.
When you prioritize self-care, you feel good. You’re telling your body, mind, and soul, you’re important to me, so I will take care of you. That, in turn, builds confidence. That, then, attracts men.
Think about men you’ve been attracted to. Maybe the guy at the gym who’s always pushing himself harder. Or the coworker who always brings a kale salad for lunch. It’s a subconscious signal, but they’re communicating that they take care of themselves, and you find that sexy. Yes, kale is sexy.
If you want to learn how to be more confident around guys, put yourself first.
Tip 3: Practice Your Conversation Skills
A lot of the women I work with as a relationship coach say they lack confidence in talking to men they’re interested in. What do I tell them?
Practice makes perfect.
I encourage them to take every opportunity to talk to men. At the coffee shop. At work. On dating apps. At parties.
The secret is to feel like you’ve got nothing to lose. It’s easier if you’re practicing with a man you’re not interested in, like the guy behind you in line at Starbucks. You don’t feel pressure to say the right thing since you’ll probably never see him again (then again…the convo might go so well that he asks you out!).
Simply talking to the opposite sex helps you build confidence. Dating apps are really great for this because you’re communicating via text and have a barrier that makes it a little easier to talk. There’s sort of a rhythm in how these conversations go, so you can try out different opening lines and questions and see which men respond more to.
If you are serious about improving how to be more confident around guys, make it your goal to talk to at least one (male) stranger a day!
Tip 4: Listen and Pay Attention
It might not make sense at first glance that you should listen to build your confidence around men, but hear me out.
As Sir Richard Branson said: “Listen more than you talk. Nobody learned anything by hearing themselves speak.”
You can learn a lot from men if you just pay attention. And people who remember details (like him mentioning his upcoming dodgeball tournament) come off as confident and attractive. Who doesn’t love it when people actually pay attention to them?? So another way of how to be more confident around guys is to hear what they tell you and remember it.
Tip 5: Dress in Clothes You Feel Good In
It confounds me why so many women’s closets are full of shoes that give them blisters and outfits they hate. If you want to know how to be more confident around guys, start with your closet. When you dress in clothes that you feel and look good in, you exude self-assurance.
When you look at an outfit, how does it makes you feel? If it doesn’t make you feel happy, sexy, or good, toss it. When you’re going on a date, choose an outfit that people always compliment you when you wear it. Choose items that compliment your body type.
Don’t wear what you think you should wear. If you’re curvy, that super slinky dress your size 0 sister wears may not be as flattering on you. Be honest with yourself about what works for your body type.
Wear colors that warm your skin and accentuate your features.
When you look in the mirror before heading out on your date, you should think to yourself, damn girl. I look good. If you don’t think it, go back to your closet.
Tip 6: Show Off Your Expertise
Have you ever been talking to a guy and realized you had some common interests? Especially if those interests are in an area you know well, this is your opportunity to really shine.
Let’s say you’re talking about travel and he says he tries to take an international trip every few years. You happen to write a travel blog and take several trips every year, so this is your chance to talk about something you’re both interested in while demonstrating that you really know your stuff when it comes to travel!
You’ll likely blow him away with all your airfare and packing hacks. And bonus? You’ll feel more confident.
I tell women never to hide their light under a barrel. Meaning: if you are smart or experienced in something, show it off! Your passion will shine through, and he’ll be all the more attracted to for it.
Tip 7: Pre-Game Your Date Like an Athlete
Most people — men and women — get nervous before a date. It’s human nature. But do you have a routine that gives just a teeny bit more confidence? If not, take a note from athletes.
Researchers at Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University observed that athletes often immersed themselves in music before a game as a way to psych themselves up for the game. Here are some of the songs that made participants feel the most powerful. Add them to your pre-date playlist!
- “We Will Rock You” by Queen
- “Get Ready for This” by 2 Unlimited
You probably have your own list of songs that make you feel powerful and sexy. I’m serious about creating a playlist to listen to as you put on makeup and get dressed for a date! Do it!
If there’s anything else that makes you feel confident, do that too. It might be styling your hair a certain way, wearing bold red lipstick, or dancing around in your underwear. Those confident vibes will carry through to your date.
Tip 8: Get Your Flirt On
It feels good to flirt. As you’re showing interest in a man, flirting can also help you learn how to be more confident around guys.
Why does flirting feel good and boost your confidence? It’s hard for a man to not flirt in return when he’s receiving positive attention from a woman, so then you get the benefit of his return attention.
Flirting can make you feel sexy, witty, and fun. So start practicing more!
Tip 9: Change Your Inner Dialogue
When you think about whether or not a man will be interested, what does the voice in your head say?
He’s way out of my league. No way he’ll be interested in me.
I’m not thin/smart/sexy enough to talk to him.
We all have this inner critic, and I know how hard it is to ignore it. But I’m telling you for your own sanity: put on earplugs!
You may feel like that inner voice is there to help you. It discourages you from taking risks and encourages you to follow status quo. What’s wrong with that?
Everything, actually. Without risks, you get no rewards, especially as it pertains to love.
Realize that your inner critic’s sole mission is to take you down. It says things that, frankly, are 100% untrue in an effort to derail your self-esteem. Once you realize that, it’s easier to ignore that voice.
So the next time that voice says something nasty about you, I want you to acknowledge it, then let the comment go.
Inner critic: You look fat in that dress. No way he’s going to kiss you on that date tonight.
You: I hear you, but I choose to ignore you. I happen to think I look fantastic in this dress!
You may hear a little scream from your inner critic when it realizes that you’re no longer heeding its advice. Don’t worry. Eventually, that scream will get smaller and smaller until you hear nothing but your own confident self-talk in your head.
This tip on how to be more confident around guys can also make you more confident in other aspects of your life. Just turn off that voice!
Tip 10: Channel Your Inner Queen Bey
For this tip on how to be more confident around guys, I want you to channel Beyoncé or any other celebrity that you think is uber confident. Then ask yourself:
What would Beyoncé do on this date? Would she cross her arms and try to make herself small or sit up straight with her shoulders back and look this man in the eye?
Would she cower when he gives her a compliment or smile and say, thanks! I know!
Sometimes you’ve got to fake confidence until you feel it. The good news is that others have no idea that you’re faking it. You can totally fool them into thinking that you are one badass Sexy Confident lady. And something interesting will happen after you fake it a while…you’ll start to believe that too!
Tip 11: Sport Your Favorite Fragrance
This is such an easy tip on how to be more confident around guys, and it takes literally a second to do: before you leave the house for your date, spray a little fragrance on your skin. The wrists, of course, but also maybe your cleavage and neck.
Studies show that 90% of women who wear a fragrance feel more confident than those who don’t wear one. So add that to your pre-date ritual!
Tip 12: Don’t Let Past Setbacks Affect Your Future
All of these can really ding up your self-esteem, but you’ve got to consciously keep them from causing long-term damage. This can take practice.
First, realize that the more energy you give a negative situation, the more space it will take in your brain, and the harder it will be to get past it.
If you have a bad dating experience, let it roll off your back. Try to figure out what lessons you can learn from it. I know! This is tough.
The last thing you want to do is make blanket assumptions based on past experiences like:
All men are jerks.
I attract men who lie to me.
Realize that we all get hurt. We all have bad dating experiences. But there absolutely are men out there that you will date that will treat you like a queen. Just look at it like this: you’re one fool closer to finding that long-lasting and mutually satisfying love you’re looking for.
Tip 13: List What’s Great About You
It can certainly be easier to think about all your flaws, but humor me: write down a list of all the things that make you a great partner.
I’m funny as hell.
I’m really good at my job.
I have a cute button nose.
I’m a good friend and partner.
I’m good at remembering details about people.
I look great in red.
You may need to pull this list out from time to time to remind yourself why you’re so fabulous. And realize that if it doesn’t work out with a certain guy, it’s not because you have flaws. People are either meant to be together or not. If the guy you go out with tonight isn’t supposed to be your next boyfriend, that’s not on you. It’s just a fact.
Tip 14: Get Out of Your Comfort Zone
One thing I’ve noticed as I’ve taught women how to be more confident around guys is that those who pushed beyond their comfort zones found confidence more easily. Consider whether you stay in your safe zone to avoid discomfort. The idea of stepping beyond that border may terrify you, and yet, that’s the best way to boost confidence.
So what does getting out of your comfort zone look like in dating? It might mean attending a singles event at a bar by yourself when you’d rather stay home and watch a movie. It might mean setting up an online profile. And it might mean saying yes when you’re asked out by a guy you just aren’t sure about.
No one ever suffered by saying yes more! So make it a goal to do something that scares you just a little as often as possible. I’m willing to bet you’ll be less scared once you see how great it is to push beyond your comfort.
BONUS SECRET on How to Be More Confident Around Guys: Men Are Humans, Not Gods!
I’m not sure why so many women elevate the status of men to such a high pedestal. They think that they’ve got to earn approval from them, when, as I see it, it’s the other way around.
The men I know (including myself) are often bumbling and nervous, saying the wrong thing.
Women are much more likely to seem poised and confident on a date, even if they don’t feel that way inside.
So why this disconnect?
We all see the world through our own unique lens. You see your own flaws far better (or…worse?) than anyone else. I guarantee no one but you thinks you’re getting crow’s feet.
And so we make assumptions about how other people are. If you’re not totally confident, you may feel unworthy of a particular man (or all men in general). This is unhealthy because in no way should you rate your own worth based on what someone else thinks of you. This will not only create a block in you finding love, but it will also cause you to have issues in your relationships as you constantly seek approval from your partner.
So realize that the men you date are just as nervous and unconfident as you feel. You won’t see it because you’re so wrapped up in your own head. Just trust me on the fact that men struggle just as much as women.
I hope this article has given you a little insight on how to be more confident around guys. But realize confidence isn’t instant ramen; it will take practice and time to really become the Sexy Confident Lady I know you can be.
Don’t give up. You’ll have setbacks. You’ll have days when you in no way feel confident. That’s completely normal. But like I said in Tip 12: don’t let setbacks affect you. Start fresh every day and remind yourself how fabulous you are.
Take a little inspiration from Stuart Smalley (remember that Saturday Night Live skit?) and say those words of affirmation that make you feel amazing.
I am smart.
I am sexy.
I am confident.
So now let me hear from all my Sexy Confident ladies! What tips can you share on how to be more confident around guys? Share in the comments below.
Guess what? I actually wrote a book on this exact topic. Learn how to be more confident around guys by reading Men Love Confident Women.