He broke your heart, and now you’re struggling to know how to get over the love of your life.
Everything seems dull and gray. Though it’s been weeks (or even months), you can’t pull yourself out of this funk.
You can’t focus.
You can’t eat.
You can’t sleep.
While you know that being with your ex isn’t the right thing for you, that doesn’t make it any easier to get over someone you love deeply.
Whether you ended things with him, or vice versa, you know that this man wasn’t right for you in some way. It hurts. Hard. But you know that being without him is the right path.
Only…accepting how to get over the love of your life is easier said than done.
Your friends tell you that you’ll be okay, and you just want to punch them. They can’t possibly understand what you’re going through…can they?
I know you’re super focused on yourself right now, but realize: most people have been through heartbreak at some point. So even though you feel like your friends don’t get it, they probably do. So let them be there for you and take care of you.
Was He Really the Love of Your Life?
Right now, you can’t imagine any love bigger than what you had, whether it was for weeks, months, or years. And very likely, you’ve never loved anyone as much as you loved this man. But take heart: there is bigger and better love waiting for you down the road. You need to take time and heal from this heartbreak, then open your heart up to loving again.
In the early stages of heartbreak, you will be overwhelmed with grief, and you will think that this man was the love of your life and that you’ll never find better. But realize that your thinking is skewed right now. In many ways, you’re not in your right mind.
Acknowledge any and all feelings you have, but let them pass through you rather than act on them, desperately calling your ex in an attempt to get back together.
You won’t know if he was the love of your life until later in your life when you have more experiences to compare him to, but I’m guessing that if things are over, he wasn’t your soulmate.
So take comfort in knowing the best love is still ahead of you.
14 Proven Steps to Get Over the Love of Your Life
In order to succeed in how to get over the love of your life, you need to go through each of these steps which have, in my years of relationship coaching, proven again and again to work. Be patient with yourself. This won’t happen overnight, or even in a few weeks. The best thing you can do right now is put yourself first for the healing process.
1. Let Time Do Its Job
There is, unfortunately, no set timeline for how long it takes your heart to heal after a breakup. You’ll find articles online that say you need a month for every year you were together, but that isn’t precise. Everyone’s different.
And I know it can be frustrating to get through this part of the grieving process, but realize there’s nothing you can do to rush it. What you do during this time will make the difference in how you heal, though.
It turns out that heartbreak is actually a physical thing. Researchers at the University of Aberdeen found that takotsubo cardiomyopathy or “broken heart syndrome,” though a rare condition, is caused by intense emotional or physical stress. The heart muscle is stunned, causing the left ventricle to change shape. All the more reason to take care of yourself!
2. When You Miss Him, Remember Why You Let Him Go
I can almost 100% guarantee that in the coming weeks, you will miss your ex at least part of the time. You will remember only the positive things about your relationship…and none of the bad things.
“He was such a good cook!” [forgetting how he made a big stink if you didn’t wash the dishes HIS way.]
“I loved talking all night with him!” [ignoring how he would be cranky in the morning and start an argument with you.]
“He really loved me.” [though he had trouble showing it much of the time.]
It may be helpful to journal about your feelings right not to process them. You can write about what you miss…but you have to also be real and talk about what you don’t. Write out why you broke up with him (or why it’s good that he broke up with you) so that you can refer back to this when you forget.
3. Know That You Will Find Love Again
I know that right now you want to believe that you have already had the only great love of your life, but I am here to tell you: that’s not true. You have plenty of time to find The One, and trust me, Sexy Confident Lady, that wasn’t him.
You can’t fathom finding love again — an even bigger and better love than you’ve ever known — but I need you to tell yourself that you will. It may be hard to believe right now, but like positive affirmations, the more you say them, the more you believe them.
So every morning when you wash your face, I want you to look in the mirror at your reflection and say out loud:
“I WILL find love again.”
4. Stop All Communication With Him
I’ve touched on this tip in posts about the No Contact Rule, but it’s usually advice I give when you want to win back your ex-boyfriend. In this case, ceasing all contact is for your own sanity so that you can focus on healing.
I realize that if you have kids together, this is going to be tough. If that’s the case, make sure communication is either text or email and only deals with the logistics of co-parenting. If he starts pointing the finger at you as the cause of the demise of your relationship or tries to win you back, do not respond.
Otherwise, it should be simple to have no contact. Unfriend him on social media. Delete his number from your phone (this prevents drunk texting your ex!). It’s all too easy to swipe through your ex’s Instagram feed and fall apart when you see a photo of him with a woman, so by blocking all communication and contact connections, you avoid this possibility.
Make sure you also tell your friends not to inform you about what he’s up to if they follow him on social media.
5. Get Rid of Old Photos, Objects, Presents That Make You Remember Him
I’ve worked with women who save mementos from every. single. relationship. they’ve. ever. had. Including their first boyfriends from 8th grade.
I say there is absolutely no value in doing so! It only makes you dredge up old memories and think about your ex.
So toss that concert tee of his that you loved to sleep in.
Delete photos of the two of you from your phone.
Give away that giant teddy bear he gave you.
If you absolutely can’t part with something he gave you, pack it away and get it out of sight. If you don’t think about that item for over a year, I encourage you to then let it go.
6. Take a Social Media Break
While sure, you don’t want to risk seeing photos of your ex through mutual friends’ profiles, this is also just to recenter your focus on yourself. Research shows that spending a lot of time on social media can make you depressed, and since you’re already there, there’s no value in adding fuel to the fire.
When you’re learning how to get over the love of your life, it can hurt to see others so happy on Facebook and Instagram. Just remember: we tend to filter our lives for social media, so more than likely, none of your friends are as happy as they seem. Still, deleting your social media apps for a while will let you live in the moment and appreciate what’s going on around you.
7. Go on”Dates” with Your Friends
Who said dates had to be romantic? Use this time to reconnect with friends who you maybe haven’t spent as much time with lately. They’ll be eager to be there for you during these hard times, and it’s a great excuse to dress up and do something fun together.
Rather than waiting until you’re in a relationship with a guy who will splurge on taking you to a fancy restaurant…go with your besties.
Instead of waiting for that latest girl power chick flick to come out on Netflix, share a giant tub of popcorn with your sister and see it on the big screen.
Schedule a weekly can’t-be-canceled homecooked dinner with a handful of girlfriends.
Not only will you bond with the people who matter to you more than ever, but you’ll also quickly fill up your calendar, giving you less time to sit around feeling sorry for yourself.
8. Allow Yourself to Be Sad…But Don’t Wallow
You’ll learn, as you try to get over your ex, that your sadness will make people uncomfortable. “Don’t be sad,” they’ll say. You will be unable to do anything about it.
I say, let yourself be sad. Acknowledge that, in this particular moment, you are drowning in sorrow. It will pass. Let it.
You don’t need to fake happiness. But if on the other end, you notice that you’re looking forward to wallowing in your sorrow on the couch with a box of tissues every night, it’s time to do something. Consider talking to a therapist, or at the very least, a good friend.
9. Give Up the Idea That You’re Meant to Be With Him
This goes back to my question: was he really the love of your life? Once you’ve had a few weeks away from him, you may answer that question differently than right after the breakup. But maybe you keep believing that somewhere down the road, the two of you will get back together.
Maybe it’s happened in the past. Maybe you’ve broken up and gotten back together more times than you can count. But that doesn’t make the two of you meant to be; it just makes you habits of one another. Probably you didn’t take enough time apart to reflect on all that was wrong in your relationship before getting back together.
I hate throwing out platitudes, but let me just say: if it’s meant to be, it will be. But more than likely, it isn’t meant to be. You just can’t see around the situation to realize it.
Consider your relationship with this guy like an object in your car’s rearview mirror. Right after the breakup, it’s right there, behind your car. You can’t see around it to see what else is there. But over time, as you drive down that metaphorical road of life, it gets smaller and smaller…until you can barely see it. Give it time. It’ll disappear from sight.
10. Do Not Compare Yourself to Others
“My friend Tiff was over her ex in a month,” you whine, “so why are you telling me this will take months, Adam?”
The thing is, you don’t realize that Tiff has made a bunch of bad decisions in dating in an effort to forget her ex (clearly showing that she wasn’t over him). She drinks a bottle of wine every night. She hides this because she wants you to think she’s okay.
So stop comparing yourself to her or anyone else. This is your path, and it will take as long as you need it to. Not as long as you want it to!
11. Be Proud of Your Decision to Get Over The Love of Your Life
Especially if you ended the relationship, you need to give yourself a pat on the back. Not every woman has the strength to leave a relationship, especially if there aren’t huge glaring issues in it. But you decided not to settle on a Good Enough relationship because, deep down, you know there’s someone better out there for you.
So take a moment and really reflect on the courage it took to leave the man you consider the love of your life. Likely there were some benefits of being with him, like him encouraging you to start your own business or introducing you to sushi. But you realized that those benefits weren’t enough to keep you in the wrong relationship, and so you left.
Good for you!
12. Learn from the Breakup
I encourage my relationship coaching clients to find the lessons in everything they do in dating and relationships. That includes breakups. If you reflect on it, you likely can see some things that you want to avoid in future relationships. You might even want to communicate differently with the next guy.
Again, journaling can help. Don’t look at this relationship as something you regret; instead, find what you got out of it and how it makes you better equipped for the next relationship.
13. Put Yourself Back into the Dating Game
Ugg. I know this is the last piece of advice you want to hear right now, but one day, you’ll be ready for it once you’re over someone you loved deeply.
When it comes to getting back out there, just think: you have nothing to lose.
If you meet a man you connected with online, through friends, or at a coffee shop, you don’t have to marry him. You don’t even have to kiss him. You just need to see if there’s chemistry and whether or not you’d like to invest more time in getting to know him.
14. Trust Your Future! It Will Surprise You!
The day will come when you stop and realize, “I’m okay. I’m really okay.”
That day, you’ll see that your future is big and bright ahead of you. And while you won’t know exactly what it entails or when you will meet the man who is the love of your life, that’s what makes it so exciting.
So let your future unfold without the need to control it. Take every day with gratitude, and live in the now.
Conclusion: How to Get Over the Love of Your Life? Slowly and Deliberately
Consider the process of learning how to get over the love of your life as your graduate degree in the School of Hard Knocks. It will suck, guaranteed. But it will end. Keep that perspective, even when things look bleak.
Billions of people around the world have lived through heartache. You can choose to be a victim for the rest of your life, keeping that pain at the center of everything you do…or you can simply experience it and move on.
I know which I prefer.
Be kind to yourself. You will have days when you feel like you’re back to Square One, and trust me: that’s completely normal. Keep the perspective of the big picture and how far you’ve come since the breakup, and know that every day, you’re one day closer to being whole and healed.
What tips can you share with other readers on how to get over the love of your life? Please share them in the comments below.
Once you’ve succeeded at how to get over the love of your life (or who you thought was The One), put your energy into attracting the RIGHT One! My Attract the One Academy will help you identify what you want…and get it.