You want to know how to stop being jealous. You want to get rid of that horrible feeling you get when you’re wondering…
“Am I crazy, or is there something wrong here? Is my man interested in her??”
Before you’re too hard on yourself, let me just say: jealousy is a completely normal feeling. But the level of jealousy you have may negatively impact your love life. That’s why I’m going to help you learn how to stop being jealous in this video and article.
They don’t call it the Green-Eyed Monster for nothing. Jealousy can make you do crazy things. But let’s keep the cray out of your relationship, m’kay?
P.S. If you’re having trouble getting your guy to commit, your jealousy might be the thing blocking you. After you read this article to learn how to stop being jealous, sign up for my FREE Casual to Committed training program. You’ll learn how to be treated like the high-value woman that you are!
We all know jealousy, either because we’ve felt it, or someone we’ve dated has expressed it. But still, what is jealousy in a relationship?
Jealousy is an emotion. You may experience thoughts of insecurity, anger, or fear or concern over losing someone to someone else. You worry that the guy you’re dating is interested in other women.
The cashier at the dry cleaner’s.
Your best friend.
Okay, obviously it’s possible to go overboard in terms of being jealous every time he looks at another woman, but certainly, if he’s spending more time than usual talking to a woman, those insecurities might flare up.
Did you know that even animals experience jealousy? According to psychologists Abraham Buunk and Alejandro Castro Solano, some birds, like bank swallows, do what’s called mate guarding where they spy on their mates as often as 100 times a day. Their purpose is to guard and defend their territory, which includes their sexual partners. Still, 100 times? That’s a bit much, birds!
Imagine if bank swallows had access to Instagram! They’d easily get up to checking on their mates 200 times a day.
When Jealousy Interferes with Your Relationship
Maybe your boyfriend has pointed out on numerous occasions how you act when he talks to other women.
Maybe you’ve noticed that you’re arguing more than you used to.
Chances are, your jealousy is having a negative impact on your relationship, and you need to learn how to stop being jealous asap to save it.
When you constantly question your partner about his actions, he feels like you don’t trust him. And obviously you don’t, or you would be more secure in his love of you.
It helps to understand where jealousy comes from. Jealousy is a fear of loss. You may love this man so much, you can’t imagine a life without him. And so you fear losing him. You constantly worry that you’re not good enough and measure yourself against every woman he talks to.
You may have past relationship experiences that cause you to have this fear. Maybe men have broken your heart in the past. Maybe you felt abandoned as a child. Whatever happened, you can’t seem to believe that you can hold onto love indefinitely.
It takes some work to get past this, but the first step is to learn how to stop being jealous so that you can get back to having a healthy and happy relationship with this man.
A Word on When Jealousy Goes Too Far
While it’s unlikely that you’d take your jealousy too far, be aware that it can be associated with aggression and violence. You’ve heard that saying that jealousy makes us do crazy things, and sometimes it’s true. If you are to the point where you might hurt yourself, your partner, or a female you think he’s cheating on you with, please get help. These are not healthy feelings.
5 Tips on How to Stop Being Jealous and Save Your Relationship
Now that you understand a bit more about where jealousy comes from and why it’s so important to move past it and let go of that fear of losing your man, let’s look at some strategies to help you learn how to stop being jealous.
1. Recognize It’s a Problem
Is being jealous a recurring pattern for you? Do an inventory of past relationships to figure out if that’s the case. Were you anxious with past boyfriends, or is this completely new with this one?
If you see a pattern of you erupting every time any man you’ve been with talks to a woman, then the issue is yours.
If you’ve never been jealous until dating this man, go deeper. Is there something about this guy that you have trouble trusting? That may be a different issue that you need to explore.
Either way, recognize that the situation can’t go on as it is, because it’s having a negative impact on your relationship.
2. Look At Your Relationship From a Different Perspective
Barista: “Here’s your change. Your coffee will be out soon.”
Your boyfriend: “Thanks. Have a good day.”
You: “What the hell? Why were you flirting with her??”
You see the situation from your own point of view. You see your man as highly desirable, and when he talks to other women, you fear that a) that woman will be all over him and b) he will gladly respond. But step away from the situation for just a moment. See things from his perspective.
Maybe he feels like you’re clinging too tightly to him. That he can’t make eye contact with another female without you freaking out. That he’s got to walk on eggshells around you.
If you were him, how would you feel?
You may be shocked to realize that this guy probably won’t put up with your erratic behavior much longer, which should be all the inspiration you need to work on how to stop being jealous.
3. Try to Figure Out the True Cause of Your Jealousy
If, after doing an inventory of past relationships, you realize that you do indeed have a history of being jealous, try to get to the root cause.
Scientists have a few theories on what causes jealousy, so see if any of these fit you.
One is based on the model of limited resources. A long time ago, people were constantly battling starvation. To survive, they had to compete against family and friends for the limited resources. Survival of the fittest, if you will. People were envious of others and coveted their food supply. And so, the concept of jealousy as a competitive emotion is one that has evolved over time.
It may be caused, as I said earlier, by a history of loss, betrayal, or abandonment, either in a past relationship with a man or in your family. If your dad cheated on your mom, you may have trouble trusting men yourself. If you’ve been hurt, you may worry about being left again.
Another cause of your jealousy might be your attachment style. The anxious attachment style is one characterized by insecurities, which is a major component of jealousy.
And finally, where you are in your relationship may contribute. If you’ve gotten past the first few months of dating, you understandably have invested more time and emotion into this person, and therefore have more to risk. If you’re jealous a lot, you’re probably in the Struggle stage and not yet to the Working/Partnership stage. But you’ll get there…only if you learn how to stop being jealous.
4. Remember: You’re a High-Value Woman. Act That Way
It’s perfectly normal: we get jealous when we feel threatened. But it’s how you respond to that jealousy that makes all the difference in the world.
You can respond by yelling at your boyfriend for what you consider inappropriate behavior (but no one else would see it that way)…
Or you can acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings and process them.
Don’t deny that you’re feeling jealous. Instead, sit with that feeling. Explore it.
“I’m feeling jealous right now. What’s triggering this?”
You may want to wait until you’re not in the middle of the situation to reflect on what caused those feelings of anxiety. If you think it’s worth having a conversation with your boyfriend about, wait until you can express yourself without being accusatory:
“When you were talking to your ex at the party, I suddenly felt jealous. I realized that because my ex got back together with his ex, I’m a little jealous when you talk to her. Can we discuss this?”
With this approach, your boyfriend will want to do anything to make you feel better. Accusing him of wanting to get back with his ex, on the other hand, won’t win you any awards.
Jealousy can also come from a lack of self-confidence. This may be an area of your life that would be well worth investing a little energy into building up.
5. Avoid Social Media Stalking
So your man liked a picture of a girl he knew back in high school. So what? It doesn’t mean anything.
It’s crazy how much women read into actions on social media. Every like, poke, and comment seems to have secret meaning to you.
I say: leave it alone! Social media is designed to give us a glimpse into the lives of our social circles. If he’s friends with someone from high school, it’s not a big deal. You might be friends with guys from high school, so how is it different?
And here’s something interesting: researchers found that people who are prone to jealousy tend to monitor their partners’ Facebook activity more than others. The more they snooped, the more things they found suspicious…at least in their own heads. This made them spy even more, creating a terrible cycle of jealousy.
Just stay away from your guy’s social media accounts, okay? If he had anything to hide, he certainly wouldn’t be blasting it for everyone to see, now would he?
I know that jealousy can feel like a runaway train that you can’t control, but trust me: learning how to stop being jealous is completely within your control. It does take effort, though.
The first step is understanding that it’s a problem, and then diving into what’s causing it. I don’t know about you, but whenever I figure out some big thing about what makes me tick (or what makes me do certain bad habits), it feels like I’m more aligned with how I want to live in life. What I mean is: if you figure out what’s making you a crazy jealousmonster, you can work on changing that and having a more healthy and meaningful relationship with the man you’re with.
If this guy is The Guy, you’ll want to work on yourself so that you can be a better partner. A solid relationship involves two people who can communicate in a healthy way. If you’re having feelings of anxiety, don’t be shy about talking to him about them…but find a way to have a constructive conversation about it rather than ending up in yet another argument.
Step away from your feelings to see the situation. Do you really think he’s flirting with the barista right there in front of you? Especially when you’ve got so much to offer him? No way.
That does it for Part 1 of this deep dive into how to stop being jealous. In Part 2 — which is exclusively for Sexy Confident members — I teach you how to deal with him being jealous of you! The other side of the coin. In Part 2, I give you four tips to deal with his jealousy, as well as one piece of coaching homework to reflect on.
Want to unlock Part 2: How to Deal with His Jealousy? Join the Sexy Confidence Club and get exclusive content, live advanced coaching calls every month, and exclusive interviews with world-renowned dating coaches.