There’s that moment when you look deeply into someone’s eyes and know from the bottom of your heart that you truly love that person.
That moment might just be…the most terrifying moment you’ll ever experience.
Scarier than sky diving…or even spiders. Uck.
But figuring out how to tell him you love him is even harder. Because fear causes us to freeze up (seriously. It’s a thing. Ask a scientist.), that can make it next to impossible to get those three gigantic words out when you’re ready to say them.
I don’t want you to keep it inside because you fear rejection, so I’m going to help you develop a strategy for how to tell him you love him…or figure out that it’s time to move on because he doesn’t feel the same.
P.S. Take my Attract the One workshop, and you might not even have to worry about how to tell him you love him. He might be the first one to utter those words!
How to Tell Him You Love Him Without Fear
Most women, in my experience, will hold back from saying anything about how they feel when they first start dating a guy. As their feelings grow, they wait to see if he’ll say the “L” word first. When he doesn’t, they come out of nowhere and profess their undying love…only to get their hearts broken.
Now, of course, this isn’t necessarily going to happen to you, but it’s all in the approach to the situation.
Before we dive into a few scenarios that will help you learn how to tell him you love him, let’s start with a high-level principle that applies universally.
The way to tell someone you love him is to show him. You do this by thinking about him, doing something special just for him, and legitimately caring about his needs. You’re not doing it so that he’ll do something back or even to make him fall for you. That’s not love.
The reverse is true, too. He communicates his love for you by showing it. Words are great, but if he’s not demonstrating how much he cares for you through his actions, it’s not love.
Here’s a rule I encourage you to live by in your relationships: never invest in a man more than he’s investing in you. You may think that if you continue to give to a man who takes, he’ll eventually reciprocate, but in my years of coaching thousands of women to help them find true love, I have never, ever found that to be true.
Now that we’ve clarified how to tell him you love him through your actions, let’s look at a few scenarios where you want to tell your guy that you love him.
Scenario A: He’s Said “I Love You” But You Haven’t Responded
Weirdly enough, this happens more than you’d think. People aren’t always on the same wavelength when it comes to love. Is he your soulmate? What even is a soulmate? Maybe you’re afraid of being vulnerable, or maybe you were just caught off guard when he told you.
You may feel like if you don’t say it back, you have some power. Science can back you up on this. It comes from the mating theory known as the principle of least interest, which says that the person who expresses more ambivalence about the relationship has the most power. If you don’t gush your feelings, he’s got to be the one pursuing you, and that feels good. Right?
That’s not really fair and you know it. Your relationship shouldn’t be a power struggle. If it is, you probably don’t love him.
But if you know that you do love him, tell him! There’s nothing worse for a guy than to be vulnerable enough to express love to a woman…and then she doesn’t respond. Or she says “thank you.”
Don’t let fear get in the way. I know you’ve been hurt in the past and all you want to do is protect your heart. But if he’s telling you he loves you and he’s showing you, give the guy a chance and let him in.
The past doesn’t equal the future. Whatever you’ve been through in your history doesn’t dictate what will happen with this man. You’re wiser for the experience. And if your gut is telling you that this guy is worth taking a leap of faith for, then do it. I’m rooting for you.
Scenario B: He’s Showing You He Loves You But Hasn’t Told You
This isn’t what you want to hear, but in this scenario, the best way to learn how to tell him you love him is: be patient.
I know you want that security of him telling you that he loves you, but sometimes people take a little bit longer to say those words. You don’t know what insecurities and fears he’s struggling with, and if you try to force the issue too soon, you will scare him off.
I didn’t tell Jessica I loved her for nearly five months of serious dating. She was, naturally, pretty concerned with my turtle pace. She wouldn’t admit it at the time, but I know she was losing her patience with me.
The truth is, I knew I loved her, that she was the one for me, from the moment I met her. So why did I wait so long to say those words?
In a past relationship, I’d said those words prematurely and realized not long after that I didn’t actually feel them for that person and that the relationship needed to end. So I was a little scarred from that breakup because it didn’t go well.
Fortunately for me, Jessica is a very patient woman and let me get there in my own time. When I did finally tell her I loved her, she of course reciprocated, and I was able to open up about why it took me so long to say it.
And…a few years later, here we are: engaged!
So the moral of the story here is: be patient and you will be rewarded. But here’s a caveat: if he takes much longer than six months without saying it or showing love, then you might want to consider: is he in this relationship for the same reasons you are or for something else? You might want to talk to him to make sure you’re both still heading in the same direction (long-term, loving relationship). If not, get out before you get hurt more.
Scenario C: He Hasn’t Showed You He Loves You and He Hasn’t Told You
You may be so wrapped around trying to figure out how to tell him you love him that you haven’t really paid attention to how he’s acting around you. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this relationship is doomed.
I need you to stop living your love life with a strategy of hope: hoping and praying that he’ll eventually come around and confess his love to you. Or, even worse, thinking that if you tell him you love him, he will suddenly realize that deep down, he’s always loved you. Don’t live in that fantasy.
You are too high-value to have these false expectations. You deserve better.
Back off a little from this relationship. Get a life and start finding activities that fulfill you.
If you’re in a committed relationship with this guy and he’s not showing or telling you that he loves you after a few months, then you are free to accept dates with other guys. Keep getting out there. Keep flirting. Keep your online dating profile active. Keep going on dates.
Because this guy hasn’t invested in you. So you have to stop investing in him. I know you wanted things to work out differently, but you need to be realistic about what’s going on.
Just don’t confess your love to him. It’s not going to bring him closer and you will likely feel like a fool for opening up to a man who’s not worth your love.
I’m guessing that one of these scenarios was one that you could relate to. I hope you now have a clearer idea of how to tell him you love him (or move on because he’s not worth your time if he’s not showing or telling you he loves you).
Talk to me in the comments below: which of these scenarios did you relate to best? Do you now know how to tell him you love him or do you still have hesitation?
It’s my sincere hope that whatever approach you take, the result is that the two of you have a wonderful, wacky, forever relationship. That would make me incredibly happy.
If you need a little help getting there, check out my free online workshop to get the guy you want to emotionally chase after you.