You can’t put your finger on it…but something’s just not right in your relationship. Maybe he’s out late without explanation. Texting you less. Acting suspicious. Is he cheating on you?
While I don’t want to be an alarmist, I’ve found that if your gut tells you something, it’s often true. Still, you want to be sure that what your instinct is accurate and that you’re not just being jealous, which is why I created this video.
I always say that there are three rules for any relationship to be successful:
1. Open your heart and love that person.
2. Trust them when he loves you back.
3. Stop following rules 1 and 2 if he cheats on you.
There’s no gray area in my mind when it comes to cheating. If he’s dating — or even sleeping with — other women when he’s indicated that he’s committed to you, you can never trust him again. He may beg, plead, and apologize, but please believe me: you can’t change spots on a leopard. Taking back a man after finding all the signs a guy is cheating and having clear-cut evidence of it only tells him that it’s okay for him to continue his behavior.
After all…if you took him back once, you’ll do it again, right? That’s his thinking.
So let me save you a lot of heartache. If you’re asking yourself is he cheating, then there’s a pretty good chance he is.
P.S. Finding out a guy cheated on you can really beat up your self confidence. But don’t let him win! Sign up for my 21 Days of Confidence to get back to your courageous self!
If you’re a woman who has never been cheated on, congratulations. If you have been cheated on, then you have my sympathies. There’s something so painful about caring about someone — maybe even loving them — and finding out that they haven’t returned that affection and respect.
I know it’s easy to say all men cheat, Adam! but I don’t want you to believe it. Because it’s not true. There are plenty of good guys out there who won’t hurt you…but you have to ditch the cheater before you can find them.
If you’re looking for signs that he is cheating on you, the best thing you can do for yourself is get to the bottom of the situation quickly. If in fact he is cheating, then you need to leave. Like, now.
I’m here to help you preserve your sanity and to minimize the heartache you experience in life and love.
Yes, you will be hurt. But the sooner you can acknowledge that you’re with a cheater, the sooner you can get him out of your life, heal, and move on.
So without further ado, let’s address that question: is he cheating, once and for all.
Sign 1: He Admits it But…It’s Not a Bad Thing
You find a pair of panties that are definitely not yours in the car.
You: Fred, these are not my panties! Are you cheating on me?
Fred: I don’t know that I’d call it cheating…
If it looks like a duck and smells like a duck…
It’s a duck.
If you have seen signs that he is cheating on you, what else could he be doing??
I’ve met guys who legitimately don’t think cheating is a bad thing…as in it’s only bad if you get caught.
One time in a locker room I heard a guy bragging about all of the women he sleeps with…in addition to his girlfriend.
Some men don’t think they’re cheating if sex isn’t involved…but emotions are.
My mother, a divorce attorney, once had a case where the husband had two entirely separate families at the same time. Neither knew about the other. Can you imagine?
What do these dudes have in common? They all genuinely don’t see the issue.
Is He Cheating and Downplaying It?
If your boyfriend makes light of cheating in general or if, when you accuse him, blows it off, this is a red flag. Research on infidelity shows that men with indifferent attitudes about cheating may be more likely to actually cheat. Think about it: which of the following guys would you be more worried about cheating on you?
Fred: What’s the big deal? If you’re not married, you can’t cheat.
Ted: I can’t imagine lying to someone and having a second relationship!
If you know he’s been hanging out with other women in a way that is not friends-only (and he’s been trying to hide it), there’s something wrong. But confronting him won’t get you far because he doesn’t think he’s doing anything bad. Rather than trying to fix him, move on.
Sign 2: He Actually Tells You About the Other Woman
Sounds shocking, but your man might actually tell you about The Other Woman if you listen closely.
Maybe he talks more and more about his “Work Wife.”
Or maybe a neighbor he just keeps happening to bump into.
Things might start out innocent enough. Maybe he doesn’t even intend to cheat at first. But if she’s coming up more and more in the conversation, you need to pay attention.
Why? Because cheating often happens with someone the guy knows, not a total stranger he hooks up with (though that’s possible too). Affairs often start out as emotional. This woman that he’s spending time with, either at work or socially, might make him feel attractive and confident. If you’ve been with him for a while, he might not be getting that same energy in your relationship. Yes, he totally should talk to you if he’s not getting what he needs in the relationship, but he might take the (seemingly) easy route by spending more time with that woman that gives him a boost of confidence.
Is He Cheating and Giving You Clues About It?
So while I’m not saying that you should be concerned about every woman your man ever mentions, if there is a name that’s coming up over and over again, look into it.
If it’s someone you don’t know, say something like: you talk about Beth at work a lot. She sounds great. I’d love to meet her! See what his reaction is. If he’s suddenly squirrelly about getting these two ladies together, there’s something there.
Sign 3: He Suddenly Cares About How He Looks
The longer you’re in a relationship, the less you care about how you look. I mean: at the start, both of you put extra energy into dressing up. You wore more makeup. He showered more. Over time, you’ve grown so comfortable around each other that you’re okay with rocking the torn stained sweatpants most days.
But all of a sudden, he’s going shopping and wearing pastels and plaids.
You can’t figure out why he might suddenly give a crap about fashion. Is it a midlife crisis come early?
Or maybe this guy with the teddy bear belly is hitting the gym hard. If he’s simply trying to feel better, great. But if he’s trying to look better for someone…who isn’t you…that’s not good.
Is He Cheating on You and His Sweatpants?
Look, I personally think couples should always dress up occasionally…both for each other and for themselves. But if he’s doing things that are really out of the ordinary looks-wise, dig into it. It could be that his other woman mentioned how sexy she found suspenders. That would explain his new fashion choice.
Your response? Start dressing up and caring how you look too. But not to make him jealous. To make yourself feel good and realize that you’re wasting time on someone who would only care how he looked for someone else.
Sign 4: He Hides His Phone Screen
You’re laying on the couch together and his phone buzzes. You reach to grab it to hand it to him and he pushes you off of his lap and gets it himself. How rude!
Or you sneak up behind him when he’s on his phone to grab his waist from behind. He jumps like a cat on a hot tin roof and immediately turns it off.
If he’s sneaky about what he’s doing on his phone, this is one of the signs that he is cheating on you, unfortunately. He’s not a CIA agent. What else could he be doing that he wanted to hide? Playing Simon’s Cat??
And if you find that you’re deliberately creeping up on him to see what he’s up to, the relationship is already over. You know what’s going on.
Is He Cheating Through His Phone?
If he’s texting another woman — even if they haven’t met, kissed, or had sex — I still consider that cheating. A man doesn’t have to have sex with a woman for there to be infidelity. Block him from your life…and your phone.
Sign 5: You’re Not Connected…and He’s Not Trying
Research shows that 29% of people who are considering cheating on their partner (and 24% of those who already have) pull back in the contact they have with their significant other.
Is he cheating? Consider how often you get a text or a call from him these days as compared to months ago. Has it dipped significantly? Maybe you used to get a morning check-in text from him daily and now you can’t remember the last time he sent one.
Or maybe you’re the one who always does the calling.
Maybe in person he just doesn’t try to connect. After a long day of work you would love it if he asked how your day was (the way he always used to) but when you get home, he’s playing video games with his brother and has made it clear that they don’t want to be disturbed.
Is He Cheating Because He is Too Chicken to Talk to You?
Emotional distance is far from unusual in long-term relationships. But if addressed, it doesn’t have to mean the demise of one. However, it does take guts for a man (or woman) to tell his partner that things have been different for him. He doesn’t want to hurt you (oh, the irony) so he takes the “easy” way out by having an affair with a woman he can connect with.
Assuming you catch him cheating, the relationship will be over. He might even subconsciously want to get caught for that very reason.
I dunno. I don’t get it. It seems a heck of a lot easier to just sit down and be honest, with the hopes that things will still work out than hurting someone by cheating and getting caught.
Sign 6: He’s Super Defensive and Argumentative
You: Hey babe, it looks like you didn’t fill up the car like I asked. Can you do that tomorrow please?
Him: Jeez. Why are you always on my back?? I was busy, okay??
It seems like every little thing sets him off, particularly when you ask him questions about his life, his activities, and his feelings. It’s hard because women seek to get closer to their mates when things seem off…and at the same time, this makes men pull away. So you continue to prod and he continues to retreat.
There’s no winning here.
He may be arguing more because he knows he’s a dog and feels guilty about it, so he’s trying to tell himself that he’s justified because you keep asking questions!! How dare you?
Or he may be trying to push you away so it doesn’t come to you finding out that he’s cheating. Either way, you can’t make a cornered dog less defensive.
Is He Cheating You Out of Your Relationship?
He’s controlling the dialogue in this example, my dear. He’s trying to blame you for what is a very natural thing for a girlfriend to want to do: get information about her partner. You’re not interrogating him (despite what he says). You simply want answers. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
Realize you might not get those answers, but you do have an answer to the big is he cheating question. What you do from here is up to you.
Is he cheating? Is he lying? Your heart wants to say he’s not…but your gut says otherwise.
I know it would be easier to ignore the situation. Hope that if he’s doing anything he shouldn’t that he stops soon.
I know it might seem easier to be with a guy who may or may not be with other women while he’s telling you that you’re his one and only than to get back into the dating pool.
But look at it like this: if you bought a car and as soon as you drove off the lot, it started giving you trouble, you wouldn’t ignore that. After all, you invested a lot of money into this car. It’s unaccepable that it should deliver a subpar performance.
Likewise, you’ve invested a lot of time and energy into this man. While that might seem like a good reason to stay, it’s actually a reason to leave. You shouldn’t accept a subpar relationship. He will never give you what you want if he can’t be satisfied just being with you.
I know it hurts. But believe me: millions of women have left relationships where they were cheated on, and they’re all so much better for it. Staying with this guy only keeps you from finding true happiness.
So believe in yourself enough to know that it’s time to move on.
Talk to me, ladies. What signs that he is cheating have you come across? How did you handle it? Leave a comment below.
Once you leave him, love yourself. Work on that confidence building. It takes a little time…three weeks to be exact! My 21 Days of Confidence program will fast track you to feeling like your old self and getting back out there.