Inquiring women around the world want to know: should I kiss on a first date? What will he think of me if I do (or don’t)? Does it set the course for the future of that relationship?
I get it. That first date is so critical for determining whether you have chemistry with someone enough to want to build a relationship with them. You also worry about making the wrong moves because if you do something offensive, he might decide he doesn’t want to see you again.
A lot of women worry that if they kiss on the first date, the guy will think they’re easy and will see it as a gateway to a hookup. On the other hand, not kissing could say you’re not interested…when in fact you are.
So you see the conundrum. What’s a girl to do? Let’s figure it out together.
What Does a Kiss Communicate?
Let’s start by interpreting a kiss. What does one mean, particularly when given on a first date?
While there are plenty of nuances to a kiss (and of course, the type of kiss has a huge impact on what you communicate), the general message you’re both communicating in a kiss on a first date is:
I’m into you. I’m attracted to you and would like to get to know you better…and not as a friend.
So…if that’s what you want to communicate, bring on the kiss…maybe.
But realize that a kiss on a first date communicates more at a subconscious level. In the book The Science of Kissing, author Sheril Kirshenbaum explains that a kiss tells you a lot about how compatible you are at a genetic level.
“And so when we’re kissing, we’re in what we call our personal space. It’s a perfect opportunity to get that sample and to sense whether this might be a good match for us. And the advantage of that would be, if two people with more genetic diversity in this region got together, their child might be stronger, healthier, have a better immune system, be more likely to pass on their genes.”
Even if you have no desire to create children with this man, your inner cave-lady is still tuning into how good a father to those theoretical kids he’d be. You can assume that in this day and age if the kiss doesn’t set off sparks, you might not be a good fit in the long run.
So…Should You Kiss on a First Date?
You know I’m going to tell you that ultimately the decision to kiss on a first date is completely up to you, but let’s explore the pros and cons of locking lips with a guy after dinner and drinks for the first time.
Pros to the First Date Kiss:
I’ve met tons of women who have no problem giving a kiss on the first date. It should be no surprise that these tend to be highly confident women. Here’s why they say you absolutely should consider that kiss on a first date.
1. You’re Interested and Want Him to Know
After a coffee date that stretched on for hours, you’re pretty pumped about this guy. You have so much in common. You’re even looking for the same thing in a relationship! Score! Still, you’re nervous that you haven’t given the impression that you’re as into him as you are. You tried doing those tricks Adam taught you to communicate through body language, but still, you want to close out the date with no question at all that you’re interested.
Also…you want to be completely sure that he’s as into you. You don’t want to go home and wait for him to ask you out on a second date. Lock it down now, girl!
If you’re reasonably sure he’s into you and you want to communicate the same, a kiss on the first date is a great way to get your point across.
2. You Want to Give the Promise of More to Come
You’re a Sexy Confident lady and you want to leave this guy wanting more. You want to end the date making him ready to see you again immediately. So you use your sassy sexy cool and lean over and kiss him when he least expects it.
He’s so taken aback, but he’s into it. And you? Cool as a cucumber, you wink at him and walk to your car alone.
See if he doesn’t text you within hours of that fabulous kiss.
3. You Want to Test His Gentleman Factor
Face it: some of the guys you go out with are jerks who want nothing more than to get in your pants. You’re tired of it, frankly. So you meet a guy who seems to have potential, but you want to make sure he’s not like the others. A good way to tell? Embark on that kiss on a first date and see if he gets handsy or overly passionate.
Consider a kiss on a first date like walking into someone’s house you barely know. Do you knock…or do you barge in and take your shoes off, making yourself comfortable on the couch?
Of course not! A first kiss should be polite and not overly sexual. You may or may not even use tongue. If he’s putting more sex into his end of the kiss, he’s probably interested in one thing, and it ain’t gazing lovingly into your eyes.
4. You Get a Sense of How He Feels
Like I said: a first kiss on a first date communicates a lot. Pay attention to what his body language before and during the kiss is telling you.
Before the kiss…
Is he slowly getting closer to you?
Is he finding every excuse to touch you?
Is he acting nervous?
And during the kiss…
Does he pull you close like he can’t get enough (without stepping outside the gentleman zone)?
Does he still act nervous?
Does he run his fingers through your hair or touch your face?
All of these are very good signs that he’s into it…even if he is a little (and understandably) nervous. So giving a kiss on a first date can help you better understand where his head’s at in terms of how he feels about you.
5. You’re a Modern Woman and Don’t Need to Wait for Him to Make the First Move
A lot of times whether you kiss on the first date falls to whether the man makes the first move or not. But this isn’t 1955.
An OKCupid survey found that women who made the first move on the dating site had better results, so it’s safe to assume that men like it when ladies take initiative from time to time. Your date may not be sure that you want to be kissed on the first date, so he might hold back…meanwhile you might interpret this as signaling that he’s not interested.
A surefire way to find out if he is interested is to make that first move yourself!
Cons to the First Date Kiss:
On the other hand, maybe you’re not a go-get-’em kind of girl and you don’t want to move too fast on a first date. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not having a kiss on a first date…and in fact, there are several reasons why you might want to hesitate before smooching.
1. You Don’t Know Who Else He’s Been Kissing
The date went so well, you’re already planning a spring wedding next year…only you have no idea that you’re his third date this week. A first date can be really early to know what the other person’s looking for in terms of dating, so you might be putting yourself out there to a man who is only looking for something casual.
Until you know if you’re aligned in what you want relationship-wise, it may be better for you to slow down a bit. Kissing a guy can make you feel more emotionally attached to him, and if you’re not certain that you’re the only woman he’s dating, it may be better to pull back until you do know.
On the other hand, if you’re also going out with (and kissing) multiple guys…it might not matter to you if he’s doing the same, so kiss away!
2. You May Not Know Him Well Enough
For some women, kissing is pretty intimate, and they want to save it for a man they feel like they know at least well enough to trust him with their spit.
If you’re going on a “first meet” over coffee with a guy you’ve chatted with a couple of days on a dating app, you might consider this your opportunity to get to know him in person, suss out whether you have chemistry or not, and then decide if you like him or not. You might not even put kissing on the agenda for a first meet like this.
In the event that this meetup went well and you’d like to kiss him the next time you see him, you can always text something to him afterward to let him know you’re interested…and that he can anticipate a lip lock the next time he sees you. That gives him all the more reason to ask you out again!
3. You Don’t Want to Send the Wrong Signals
When I ask some women whether they kiss on the first date, they say, Why Adam! I’m not that kind of girl!
While it’s true that in this day and age it’s a lot less likely that you’ll be judged as a hussy for kissing on the first date, many women nonetheless want to avoid having a man think that she’s all too eager to be intimate.
If you really want to take things slow and get to know a guy before kissing and maybe, just possibly, down the road having sex, you can communicate that you roll slowly by not kissing on the first date.
4. You Don’t Want to Get His Hopes Up
Frankly, a first date can be a whirlwind. As you sit there sipping your glass of wine, you have every emotion under the sun.
He’s super hot!
Wait…no…he’s kinda ugly.
Wow, we have a ton to talk about.
I really like him!
I want to get the hell out of here!
Truth is: you may not know how you feel about this man in the moment on a first date. You may need to go home and reflect on the date, as well as text or talk to him more to determine whether or not you want to pursue anything further with him.
A kiss definitely communicates that you’re into him…and if you’re not sure you are, you should avoid it on a first date.
Should You Kiss Him First?
I touched on this question a bit earlier but let’s go deeper because it’s one to consider whether you kiss on the first date or sometime later.
Some men are impossibly shy and may take far longer than you would like to get around to kissing you. They’re waiting for a thousand signs that you’re into them and that you won’t reject them if they lean in for a kiss.
You can wait if you’re patient…
Or you can take initiative and plant one on him. Most men will be pleasantly surprised.
Here are some tips to follow if you decide to be the one to make the first move.
Watch his body language. Make sure you’re not reading what you want to read from the date, and that he is into you enough to welcome a kiss.
Determine whether he’s ok with an assertive woman. Some men may feel threatened if you make the first move, so see if his personality indicates whether he’d be ok with it or not.
Wait for the right opportunity. In the middle of dinner is not the right time for a kiss! Wait until the end of the evening and ask him to walk you to your car, or catch him as he opens your car door.
Consider the type of kiss. If you’re not brave enough for a full-on French kiss, lean in for a sensuous lip peck. If he wants to take it further, the invitation has been given.
The good news is: you don’t have to make a hard and fast rule about whether you kiss on a first date or not. You can change your mind on every first date you go on.
Maybe one guy is giving crazy good vibes and you end up walking through the park holding hands. Bring on the kiss!
Maybe another guy is interesting but shy, and you don’t want to push him out of his comfort zone, so you let him dictate when that first kiss happens.
Maybe another guy is giving mixed signals and you’re not sure how into him so you wait to figure it out. He ends up ghosting you, so you didn’t waste any saliva on that dude.
Whatever you decide on whether to kiss on a first date or not, you need to be comfortable with your decision. If a guy leans in and starts kissing you and warning bells are going off in your head (too soon! too soon!) back away and tell him it’s too early for you to kiss him. Or make sure there’s no good opportunity for a kiss at the end of the date (you call your Uber to get you, so it’s too awkward to kiss there).
Don’t worry about what a man will think if you kiss on a first date. Quite honestly, I’ll tell you that we’re just happy to lock lips with you at all. We’re not really thinking about what happens down the road or judging you for it…so stop judging yourself.
If you want to kiss him…kiss him! You make the rules for your life.
So now let me hear from my Sexy Confident ladies. What’s your philosophy about a kiss on the first date? Do or don’t?
Get one step closer to that kiss by stepping up your flirting game. My Flirting Workshop will teach you how to be irresistible to men that you go out with.