You’ve been dating a man for a few weeks, and while you think it’s going okay, you find yourself looking for signs he is talking to someone else. You’re afraid to get too emotionally invested in this situation until you’re sure that he’s interested in you and you alone.
Maybe you’re paranoid because you’ve been cheated on before. Maybe he’s exhibiting behavior (like the following) that gives you good reason to question what’s going on. The point is: if you aren’t secure in this, you need to do some investigating.
Should You Worry if He IS Talking to Someone Else?
Not necessarily. If you haven’t had “the talk” about being exclusive, you can’t expect him to commit to only you. In the early days of dating, it’s pretty common for one or both people to talk to or date more than one person. I understand if you’re recently divorced and new to dating again, this may come as a shocker. You’re used to monogamy (at least on your end), and here you’re in a world that doesn’t seem to value being with just one person, at least at the start of a relationship.
That’s why it’s important to have that “talk” about what you want. You should make it clear if you are not okay with him seeing other people, or find out that he is, which then gives you permission to also date more than one person at once.
If, however, you have had “the talk,” this is serious. If he has told you that yes, he wants to commit to only you but you think he’s showing signs he is talking to someone else, that’s disrespectful, and you need to end things immediately. You deserve better, and you know that.
And realize that talking to another woman doesn’t necessarily mean he’s sleeping with her…but he can be just as unfaithful. There’s a new term floating around the internet called “micro-cheating:” it refers to small actions that amount to the guy you’re with being physically or emotionally invested in someone other than you.
“You might be engaging in micro-cheating if you secretly connect with another guy/girl on social media; if you share private jokes; if you downplay the seriousness of your relationship to another guy/girl; or if you enter their name under a code in your phone,” said Melanie Schilling, a dating expert.
So whatever he’s doing, if you don’t feel good about it, you’re entirely within your rights to express your frustration and even end the relationship.
What to Look For: Signs He’s Talking to Someone Else
Whatever the reason you’re questioning what’s really going on with this guy, here are the signs he is talking to someone else that you shouldn’t ignore.
1. He’s Less Available
When you started going out with this man, he was all about you and made an effort to spend as much time with you as possible. Since then…the time you spend together has tapered off, and you’re wondering why. Has he just lost interest? Is he actually busy? Is he dating other people?
This alone isn’t enough evidence that he’s talking to someone else, but combined with other signs, you might be on red alert.
2. He Mentions Something You Didn’t Do With Him
One day when you’re hanging out with this guy and he says something about the movie Deadpool as if you’d seen it together. You most definitely did NOT see it together…and now you’re adding this to the list of signs he is talking to someone else. And you should! It should be easy enough to remember whether he watched a movie with you or not, so likely he watched it with another female. Jeez. This guy can’t even keep his women straight.
3. He Gets a Lot of Texts or Calls When You’re Together
It feels like every time you’re together, his phone is going off. Whether he shoves it back in his pocket after checking to see who it is or actually takes time to respond to a text while you’re sitting across from him, you’re starting to feel like a second-class citizen.
First of all, I believe that you shouldn’t respond to texts or calls when you’re with anyone else. It’s just disrespectful. And if this guy isn’t respecting you and might be texting other women while he’s with you, he’s not worth wasting your time on.
Test him. The next time this happens, ask who he’s texting. See if he fumbles with an answer. If he does, he’s probably talking to someone else.
4. He Seems to Be Hiding Something
There are gaps in his schedule that he doesn’t account for. When you ask what he did last night, he mumbles something about going to sleep early (but you saw him “liking” photos on Instagram at 2 AM). He gets cagey when you ask him many questions. You feel like you’re being too invasive…but you know what? No. You’re not. You deserve straight answers. If he can’t give them to you, then he’s hiding something.
5. You Catch Him Checking Out Other Women
Guys like this give the rest of us a bad name!
Let’s say you’re at a bar with your dude and you flat out watch him check out a girl’s ass. WTF?? You call him out on it and he denies it. But you’re not stupid.
Whether you’ve talked about being exclusive or not, checking out other women is, once again, disrespectful. You may like other aspects about this guy but if he can’t keep his eyes to himself, then it’s not going to work out long-term.
6. Plans Happen on His Schedule, Not Yours
You’re starting to feel like you’re trying to get an appointment with Oprah…this guy is making it really hard to schedule a date with him. Sure, he’s busy, but it feels like he’s the one in charge of when you get together.
And if “getting together” tends to mean late-night bootie calls…uh uh. This man is not commitment material, and you should end things before it gets worse.
7. He Won’t Connect with You on Social Media
It seems like a simple thing. You are an avid social media user, and you think it’s perfectly normal for you to want to friend this man on Facebook. But when you send him a friend request…he ignores it. When you ask why, he makes up some excuse.
“I’m never on there.”
“Let’s focus on real-life.”
Sure, women tend to use Facebook and other social media more than men, and maybe he really isn’t into it, but he also could be hiding something…like photos of him with other women. There’s not much you can do to crack into his account, but just add this to the list of signs that he’s talking to someone else.
8. He Doesn’t Want You to Meet His Friends (or to Meet Yours)
A man who’s willing to commit to you and only you wants to meet your friends and introduce you to his. He’s proud to be with you and wants to get to know the people who are important to you. But this guy is stalling. He keeps coming up with excuses about why you can’t meet his friends (they’re busy) and when you invite him to a gathering with your friends…he’s busy.
C’mon. The man could at least meet one of your friends after dating you for several weeks. But you need to see this for what it is: evidence that he really doesn’t want to go deep in this thing with you. He’d rather keep things casual. If that’s not okay with you…it’s time to bail.
9. He Called You Someone Else’s Name
Ohhhh. The biggest of all signs he is talking to someone else (and doing a whole lot more with them). You’re in bed having wild sex when all of a sudden, he calls out, “Ohhhh Stephanie!”
Your name isn’t Stephanie.
Either he’s still hung up on an ex…or he’s banging a woman named Stephanie. Either way, there’s no future with this man.
Do call him out on it.
10. He’s Not as Gung-Ho About You
Man, when you first started dating this guy, he was so all about you. He’d text you throughout the day to let you know he was thinking about you. He’d bring you flowers “just because.”
But since those early days, his attention has waned. He texts less and less, and never gives you little gifts anymore. While a relationship will change over time, use your intuition. Does it feel like the reason he’s less enamored with you is because his attention is elsewhere? Does he seem distracted?
He may not feel as strongly as he once did about you, and he may be scared to end things, so he keeps stringing you along. Or else, he wants to keep you in his back pocket in case things don’t work out with the other women he’s talking to. Either way, this doesn’t jibe with what you want and need in a relationship, so it’s up to you to do something about it.
11. He Doesn’t Talk About the Future
You mention a concert that’s happening in a month, and he squirms.“Let’s just see what happens.”
Maybe he used to talk about things that would happen down the road between you two and now he doesn’t. Suddenly this relationship feels quite finite and you’re not sure why. It could be because there’s another woman (or two) that he’s thinking about and he’s trying to keep all his options open. Totally unfair to you.
12. He Says He Wants to “Keep Things Casual”
Not all the signs he’s talking to someone else are so subtle. He may flat-out tell you that he wants to “keep things casual.”
I hate that phrase. It says that he wants to have sex with you with no emotional ties. It’s rare that two people who are dating both feel the same about keeping things casual or not. In this case, you’re looking for a man you can rely on. Who you can fall for. So by him saying he wants to keep things light, he’s blocking any potential for a future. And he’s ensuring that he still gets laid by you…and maybe others.
Take your power back, lady. This isn’t what you want, and you won’t be able to change his mind. Tell him you’re not looking for casual, then move on.
13. You Don’t Go on Real Dates Anymore
When you first started dating, he loved taking you dancing, out to dinner, to parties. Since then, your love life has amounted to Netflix and chill…emphasis on the “chill.”
I get it. You know that as you evolve in a relationship, you’ll go out less and spend more time at home. But this doesn’t feel right. It feels like he doesn’t want to take you out…and there may be a reason for it.
14. There’s a Woman Who’s Around a Lot
“We’re just friends! Why are you so paranoid?” he says.
Maybe she’s an ex-girlfriend who he assures you is just a friend. Maybe she’s a co-worker he spends a lot of time with. Whoever she is, she’s around more than you think a friend should be.
Again, trust your gut. It’s perfectly fine for this guy to have female friends. But if this one gives you the Evil Eye whenever you see her…or if they seem to giggle a lot with inside jokes…or the situation in any way makes you feel like it’s more than friends…this could be one of the signs he is talking to someone else.
15. Sex is All You Do These Days
Those days of wining and dining are over. These days, you’re lucky if he texts you at midnight:
The sex is great, so you’re not complaining…only you’re starting to see that you’re not so much dating this guy as…well, you get the picture.
If you’re fine having only a physical relationship, go for it. But realize that by pulling back from wooing you and taking you out and just coming over to get his rocks off, this guy is majorly disrespecting you.
16. You See Him with Other Women
“I saw Chad with a woman at a bar the other day…they looked pretty cozy.”
You’re getting this message from your friends…or else you’re seeing it firsthand. And while you shouldn’t mind if he’s out with female friends, you should read into his body language with this woman. Are they spaced far apart and just friendly, or are they cozied up together, touching one another? You can’t rely on what he’ll tell you because, of course, he will tell you that they’re just friends. Rely on your instinct.
So you agree that you’ve spotted several signs he is talking to other women and now you need to figure out your best course of action. First, decide how important commitment is to you. Maybe you’re at a place in your life where you’re not ready to commit to a man, so it’s not a big deal that he’s dating other people. But admit if it bothers you, or you’ll constantly be annoyed with the situation.
Talk about it. You can’t get mad if you haven’t discussed being exclusive. And if you are okay with him dating other people, it’s still a good idea to talk about it to get everything out in the open. He might be shocked to know that you’re okay with it…because you want to date other people too. It’s important that you are on the same page, regardless of where you go with this relationship.
Assess how you feel about him. Is he worth committing to and trying to get him to commit to you? If not, back off or date other people yourself. There are other fish in the sea.
Let him know what you want. If it’s unacceptable, tell him. He may have just been waiting for this conversation to realize that he wants only you. You don’t know if that’s a possibility if you don’t talk about it, and he can’t know what you want if you don’t tell him.
Whether this man is The One or not, knowing how to get a man to commit to only you is a skill that will come in handy. Sign up for my training today!